dajoga
06-12-2004, 08:52 AM
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It is also important to understand about my upbringing that I have two sisters who are 10 and 12 years older. You can imagine what my father, who owns sporting goods stores, had in store for his only son. I was going to be the best athlete that my dad could possibly make me. And it never happened. But you see, in my father’s world, masculinity was equal to athleticism. If you were a jock, you were a man and there was nothing else that met that standard.
My dad’s way of making me invest in his world of masculinity was to verbally ridicule me. He would refer to me as “Michelle” or “his third daughter,” thinking that ultimately that would make me embrace his definition of masculinity.
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Well, at the age of 16, I sought a counselor at the school and shared with her what I was feeling. And she said, “Mike, from everything I understand about the issue of homosexuality, this is how you were born. This is how God has made you, so to live a healthy productive life, you’re going to need to embrace that.”
So I decided that I would test the gay community; I went to a gay bar for the very first time at the age of 16. I grew up in an area Laguna Beach, which is very “gay-friendly.” And I’ll never forget that first time I walked into a gay bar. I felt like I had come home. Here were people that understood me.
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One of the things that I did when I was involved in the gay community is I looked for that long-term monogamous relationship that the gay community often promises. I wasn’t finding it. I wasn’t seeing any of my friends that had it. Twelve years of involvement I was there. I went through relationship after relationship. I continually thought that I could find what would make me happy. I didn’t believe there was anything else because I had bought into the lie that I was born gay....There was no possibility of change for me.
So it was very difficult. I would go home to visit my family during these times because I wanted to be around my family. But I couldn’t stand them because they were Christians. And I didn’t want to be around them too long because their light shined on my darkness. So I’d go home for my sisters’ weddings or I’d go home for the birth of a newborn niece or nephew and I’d hold those nieces and nephews in my arms and my heart would just break because I desperately wanted what I saw in the lives of my sisters. I wanted to be enough for somebody. I wanted that relationship that was going to last. I wanted to be a father but I knew that I couldn’t because I was “born gay.” I believed that lie.
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In December 1989, I left homosexuality. And I’d love to tell you that from there it’s this wonderful incredible God-pleasing story but that’s just not the reality. The year of 1990, frankly, was the closest thing to hell I believe I’ll ever experience in my life.
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The Great Escape (http://www.nljonline.com/june_july04/mh.html)
It is also important to understand about my upbringing that I have two sisters who are 10 and 12 years older. You can imagine what my father, who owns sporting goods stores, had in store for his only son. I was going to be the best athlete that my dad could possibly make me. And it never happened. But you see, in my father’s world, masculinity was equal to athleticism. If you were a jock, you were a man and there was nothing else that met that standard.
My dad’s way of making me invest in his world of masculinity was to verbally ridicule me. He would refer to me as “Michelle” or “his third daughter,” thinking that ultimately that would make me embrace his definition of masculinity.
[/ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Well, at the age of 16, I sought a counselor at the school and shared with her what I was feeling. And she said, “Mike, from everything I understand about the issue of homosexuality, this is how you were born. This is how God has made you, so to live a healthy productive life, you’re going to need to embrace that.”
So I decided that I would test the gay community; I went to a gay bar for the very first time at the age of 16. I grew up in an area Laguna Beach, which is very “gay-friendly.” And I’ll never forget that first time I walked into a gay bar. I felt like I had come home. Here were people that understood me.
[/ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
One of the things that I did when I was involved in the gay community is I looked for that long-term monogamous relationship that the gay community often promises. I wasn’t finding it. I wasn’t seeing any of my friends that had it. Twelve years of involvement I was there. I went through relationship after relationship. I continually thought that I could find what would make me happy. I didn’t believe there was anything else because I had bought into the lie that I was born gay....There was no possibility of change for me.
So it was very difficult. I would go home to visit my family during these times because I wanted to be around my family. But I couldn’t stand them because they were Christians. And I didn’t want to be around them too long because their light shined on my darkness. So I’d go home for my sisters’ weddings or I’d go home for the birth of a newborn niece or nephew and I’d hold those nieces and nephews in my arms and my heart would just break because I desperately wanted what I saw in the lives of my sisters. I wanted to be enough for somebody. I wanted that relationship that was going to last. I wanted to be a father but I knew that I couldn’t because I was “born gay.” I believed that lie.
[/ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
In December 1989, I left homosexuality. And I’d love to tell you that from there it’s this wonderful incredible God-pleasing story but that’s just not the reality. The year of 1990, frankly, was the closest thing to hell I believe I’ll ever experience in my life.
[/ QUOTE ]
The Great Escape (http://www.nljonline.com/june_july04/mh.html)