Warlady
03-09-2001, 07:09 AM
WolfPlus3 sent me this: My only comment now that I'm through laughing and have wiped off the tears so I can see to type is that Texas chili judges don't do beans in the chili. Now enjoy.
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing
kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very
mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this
stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one.
These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red
peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must
be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note
that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit
of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili,
safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili,
neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost
when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot
down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: --------------
(editor's note: Judge
#3 was unable to report)
sweetnetty
Forum Host
posts: 168
(2/11/01 1:26:21 pm)
ROFLBO
EveningStar3
Gold Star Member
posts: 67
(2/11/01 1:47:39 pm)
ROFL, WarLady!
I'm going to forward this one!
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools.
-- Kipling
tacitus c
Forum Host
posts: 943
(2/11/01 2:47:29 pm)
WL
That was the funniest thing I've read in a while. Felt the same a Frank when I first went to Tejas. Yanks thnk salsa is ketsup with onions!!
"No man can establish himself by wickedness,but good men have roots that cannot be dislodged" Proverbs 11:3
Tazeeyore2
New Member
posts: 8
(2/11/01 3:11:54 pm)
bwaaaaaaaahahahahahahahah!!!!!!!! I have never laughed so hard for so long. Could be that iv'e been to chili cook-offs and have felt some of the same things. HILARIOUS!!
Dave Smith
Conservative American
Jeff Davis
Gold Star Member
posts: 77
(2/11/01 3:23:20 pm)
Real chili don't have beans in it. Just meat and as many ground hot peppers as you can stand + one. If it don't make your nose run and your eyes water it ain't chili. Lord, some Yankees I know even put spagetti in the pot and then attempt to call it chili.
tacitus c
Forum Host
posts: 948
(2/11/01 3:54:33 pm)
Pasta & Chili
"No man can establish himself by wickedness,but good men have roots that cannot be dislodged" Proverbs 11:3
Keith J
Forum Host
posts: 262
(2/11/01 3:55:14 pm)
Roger on the no-bean rule but there are other traditional ingredients. I have good research on this as the origin of chili is San Antonio and I've spent many hours pouring over records at the Institute of Texan Cultures there......history is my hobby.
Originally, venison and tough longhorn beef were used. Onion, garlic, comino (cumin for non-Spanish), oregano and masa harina are all added in some types. Manteca (lard) was used especially with vension as its bone dry.
Chili vendor regulations were some of the first public health laws written in San Antonio, predating its first admission into the Union and formulated a code of what could and couldn't be added to the pot.
tacitus c
Forum Host
posts: 949
(2/11/01 4:18:02 pm)
www.flash.net/~rockware/chili.html (http://www.flash.net/~rockware/chili.html)
Looks yummy!!!
"No man can establish himself by wickedness,but good men have roots that cannot be dislodged" Proverbs 11:3
AtomicLibSmasher
ezOP/TaskMaster
posts: 850
(2/11/01 5:03:50 pm)
Reminds me of the time I had to judge a Texas Chili Cookoff...... I ended up voting for "Slap Yo Momma". It was a church affair and some individuals gave me the eye when I did... wooo ha.. and yup.. dat chit B hot!
``I tried to walk a line between acting lawfully and testifying falsely, but I now recognize that I did not fully accomplish this goal" - Slick Clinton
PaulRevere98999
Gold Star Member
posts: 54
(2/11/01 8:42:17 pm)
Some day I am going to use that "snowcone" line in a conversation. It'll be a gas, I am sure.
tacitus c
Forum Host
posts: 959
(2/11/01 8:50:29 pm)
I'll bet you beans to bacon that our Texas Lady has some killer chili recipes that we would all like to try.
Care to share a 5 alarm recipe with us??? Anyone!!!!
"No man can establish himself by wickedness,but good men have roots that cannot be dislodged" Proverbs 11:3
WarLady1
Owner/ezOP/Moderator
posts: 1484
(2/11/01 9:07:49 pm)
I used to be the food editor for an outdoor magazine. I have my published recipes somewhere.....I guess I could share. I'll write it up and post it on the members forum tomorrow.
wall264eye
I should register!
(2/12/01 12:00:29 am)
ROTFLMAOTIPMP.....two hours after reading this joke and I'm still laughing about it....thanks for sharing.....Len
WarLady1
Owner/ezOP/Moderator
posts: 1489
(2/12/01 12:06:12 am)
Hey Walleye!!!! Everyone meet my friend Wall!!
Jeff Davis
Gold Star Member
posts: 79
(2/12/01 8:05:24 am)
I have read an account that even before the San Antonio vendors started selling chili, it gained popularity in the Texas prison system. It seems the spices helped tenderize the tough pieces of meat that were served to the prisonors. Supposedly many ex-cons wrote to the Department of Prisons asking for the recipes.
Backwoods Home Magizine had a good article on Chili several months ago.
AtomicLibSmasher
ezOP/TaskMaster
posts: 874
(2/12/01 8:09:10 am)
Walleye
hey ya old coot!... welcome aboard!!!
``I tried to walk a line between acting lawfully and testifying falsely, but I now recognize that I did not fully accomplish this goal" - Slick Clinton
TheKellyCrew
Forum Host
posts: 219
(2/12/01 8:14:15 am)
I thought chili came from a can...Hormel sumthin or other. I need to take a trip to Texas. I would probably wind up leaving my stomach there.
WarLady1
Owner/ezOP/Moderator
posts: 1502
(2/12/01 8:24:40 am)
Kelly, Hormel is that guy that Ashcroft opposed as Ambassador. I wouldn't trust his chili recipe. Maybe he has a good fratata recipe...or quiche.
AtomicLibSmasher
ezOP/TaskMaster
posts: 898
(2/12/01 2:08:03 pm)
``I tried to walk a line between acting lawfully and testifying falsely, but I now recognize that I did not fully accomplish this goal" - Slick Clinton
Maggie T
Forum Host
posts: 219
(2/12/01 2:35:26 pm)
This was extremely funny!
Texas is the place to go for chilli, obviously!
My husband LOVES hot food. I can stand it provided no pain is involved. I feel for poor judge #3.
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing
kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very
mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this
stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one.
These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red
peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must
be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note
that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit
of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili,
safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili,
neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost
when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot
down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: --------------
(editor's note: Judge
#3 was unable to report)
sweetnetty
Forum Host
posts: 168
(2/11/01 1:26:21 pm)
ROFLBO
EveningStar3
Gold Star Member
posts: 67
(2/11/01 1:47:39 pm)
ROFL, WarLady!
I'm going to forward this one!
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools.
-- Kipling
tacitus c
Forum Host
posts: 943
(2/11/01 2:47:29 pm)
WL
That was the funniest thing I've read in a while. Felt the same a Frank when I first went to Tejas. Yanks thnk salsa is ketsup with onions!!
"No man can establish himself by wickedness,but good men have roots that cannot be dislodged" Proverbs 11:3
Tazeeyore2
New Member
posts: 8
(2/11/01 3:11:54 pm)
bwaaaaaaaahahahahahahahah!!!!!!!! I have never laughed so hard for so long. Could be that iv'e been to chili cook-offs and have felt some of the same things. HILARIOUS!!
Dave Smith
Conservative American
Jeff Davis
Gold Star Member
posts: 77
(2/11/01 3:23:20 pm)
Real chili don't have beans in it. Just meat and as many ground hot peppers as you can stand + one. If it don't make your nose run and your eyes water it ain't chili. Lord, some Yankees I know even put spagetti in the pot and then attempt to call it chili.
tacitus c
Forum Host
posts: 948
(2/11/01 3:54:33 pm)
Pasta & Chili
"No man can establish himself by wickedness,but good men have roots that cannot be dislodged" Proverbs 11:3
Keith J
Forum Host
posts: 262
(2/11/01 3:55:14 pm)
Roger on the no-bean rule but there are other traditional ingredients. I have good research on this as the origin of chili is San Antonio and I've spent many hours pouring over records at the Institute of Texan Cultures there......history is my hobby.
Originally, venison and tough longhorn beef were used. Onion, garlic, comino (cumin for non-Spanish), oregano and masa harina are all added in some types. Manteca (lard) was used especially with vension as its bone dry.
Chili vendor regulations were some of the first public health laws written in San Antonio, predating its first admission into the Union and formulated a code of what could and couldn't be added to the pot.
tacitus c
Forum Host
posts: 949
(2/11/01 4:18:02 pm)
www.flash.net/~rockware/chili.html (http://www.flash.net/~rockware/chili.html)
Looks yummy!!!
"No man can establish himself by wickedness,but good men have roots that cannot be dislodged" Proverbs 11:3
AtomicLibSmasher
ezOP/TaskMaster
posts: 850
(2/11/01 5:03:50 pm)
Reminds me of the time I had to judge a Texas Chili Cookoff...... I ended up voting for "Slap Yo Momma". It was a church affair and some individuals gave me the eye when I did... wooo ha.. and yup.. dat chit B hot!
``I tried to walk a line between acting lawfully and testifying falsely, but I now recognize that I did not fully accomplish this goal" - Slick Clinton
PaulRevere98999
Gold Star Member
posts: 54
(2/11/01 8:42:17 pm)
Some day I am going to use that "snowcone" line in a conversation. It'll be a gas, I am sure.
tacitus c
Forum Host
posts: 959
(2/11/01 8:50:29 pm)
I'll bet you beans to bacon that our Texas Lady has some killer chili recipes that we would all like to try.
Care to share a 5 alarm recipe with us??? Anyone!!!!
"No man can establish himself by wickedness,but good men have roots that cannot be dislodged" Proverbs 11:3
WarLady1
Owner/ezOP/Moderator
posts: 1484
(2/11/01 9:07:49 pm)
I used to be the food editor for an outdoor magazine. I have my published recipes somewhere.....I guess I could share. I'll write it up and post it on the members forum tomorrow.
wall264eye
I should register!
(2/12/01 12:00:29 am)
ROTFLMAOTIPMP.....two hours after reading this joke and I'm still laughing about it....thanks for sharing.....Len
WarLady1
Owner/ezOP/Moderator
posts: 1489
(2/12/01 12:06:12 am)
Hey Walleye!!!! Everyone meet my friend Wall!!
Jeff Davis
Gold Star Member
posts: 79
(2/12/01 8:05:24 am)
I have read an account that even before the San Antonio vendors started selling chili, it gained popularity in the Texas prison system. It seems the spices helped tenderize the tough pieces of meat that were served to the prisonors. Supposedly many ex-cons wrote to the Department of Prisons asking for the recipes.
Backwoods Home Magizine had a good article on Chili several months ago.
AtomicLibSmasher
ezOP/TaskMaster
posts: 874
(2/12/01 8:09:10 am)
Walleye
hey ya old coot!... welcome aboard!!!
``I tried to walk a line between acting lawfully and testifying falsely, but I now recognize that I did not fully accomplish this goal" - Slick Clinton
TheKellyCrew
Forum Host
posts: 219
(2/12/01 8:14:15 am)
I thought chili came from a can...Hormel sumthin or other. I need to take a trip to Texas. I would probably wind up leaving my stomach there.
WarLady1
Owner/ezOP/Moderator
posts: 1502
(2/12/01 8:24:40 am)
Kelly, Hormel is that guy that Ashcroft opposed as Ambassador. I wouldn't trust his chili recipe. Maybe he has a good fratata recipe...or quiche.
AtomicLibSmasher
ezOP/TaskMaster
posts: 898
(2/12/01 2:08:03 pm)
``I tried to walk a line between acting lawfully and testifying falsely, but I now recognize that I did not fully accomplish this goal" - Slick Clinton
Maggie T
Forum Host
posts: 219
(2/12/01 2:35:26 pm)
This was extremely funny!
Texas is the place to go for chilli, obviously!
My husband LOVES hot food. I can stand it provided no pain is involved. I feel for poor judge #3.