Actual Military Instructions

[Sierra]

In their quest to make things either soldier Sailor or Airman proof (a physical impossibility) the DoD (Department of Defense) training manuals and warnings sometimes take on some unintended but nonetheless comical overtones here are a few I’ve encountered or was told about during my time in uniform.
<O:p</O:p

AIM TOWARDS THE ENEMY." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"WHEN THE PIN IS PULLED, MR. GRENADE IS NOT OUR FRIEND." - Marine Corps

"CLUSTER BOMBING FROM B-52s IS VERY, VERY ACCURATE. THE BOMBS ARE GUARANTEED TO ALWAYS HIT THE GROUND." - U.S.A.F. Armament Group

"IF THE ENEMY IS IN RANGE, SO ARE YOU." - Infantry Journal

"A SLIPPING GEAR COULD LET YOUR M203 GRENADE LAUNCHER FIRE WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT. THAT WOULD MAKE YOU QUITE UNPOPULAR IN WHAT'S LEFT OF YOUR UNIT." - Army's magazine of prevention maintenance

"IT IS GENERALLY INADVISABLE TO EJECT DIRECTLY OVER THE AREA YOU JUST BOMBED" - US. Air Force manual

"TRACERS WORK BOTH WAYS." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"IF YOUR ATTACK IS GOING TOO WELL, YOU'RE WALKING INTO AN AMBUSH." -Infantry Journal

"ANY SHIP CAN BE A MINESWEEPER....ONCE." - Anonymous

"NEVER TELL THE PLATOON SERGEANT YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO." - Unknown Marine Recruit

<O:p</O:p
"DON'T DRAW FIRE; IT IRRITATES THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU." - Infantry Journal

"IF YOU SEE A BOMB TECHNICIAN RUNNING, TRY TO KEEP UP WITH HIM." -U.S.A.F. Armament Group

[Wolfcounsel]

"In their quest to make things either soldier Sailor or Airman proof (a physical impossibility)..." -Sierra


Nothing is Sailor-proof. A Sailor can take apart a steel ball.

[Patriot Heart]

Here is one that made me cackle, from an Air Force Survivial Guide in my possession

Under the Chapter heading Survivial At Sea, "If it looks like a monster, don't eat it"

We found several instances of that in the chow hall.

[Sierra]

Nothing is soldier proof either this is why the military probably has an MSDS for navel lint. :smirky:

[mabzie]

Nothing is soldier proof...

Anyway, It's always a good idea to have reminders about things, especially things that might cause your own death, or the death of your comrades.

[Sierra]

True enough but you gotta love the way some of these Pentagon whizkids write!

[Turret Gunner A20]

This is old as the hills, and it might not EXACTLY fit here, but I drag it out now and again, and get some more laughs out of it.


THE GRIPE SHEET

After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.

The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes and then the mechanics read and correct the problem. They then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, known as submitted by QANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.

"P" is the pilot's description of the problem. "S" is the
engineer's
response.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. No's 1, 3, and 4
propellers lack
normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed in cockpit.

[UnkHiram]

:roar:

[HomeschoolrsRUs]

Oh my gosh, Turret! You had me and Bubba in tears we were laughing SO hard! http://www.freeconservatives.com/vb/images/icons/biglaugh.gif