DoctorDoom
03-14-2005, 08:44 AM
In keeping with the coming day...
Three Englishman walk into a bar a spot an Irishman sitting alone at a table. One fellow says to the others, "Let's pick a fight with the Mick over there".
His partner replies, "Wait we don't want to be arrested. Let's make him start the fight"
The third Englishman says, "Wait here chaps. I know how to do it". He goes over to the Irishman and says, "St. Patrick was a bloody faggot!"
To which the Irishman replied "You don't say now!" and calmly resumes drinking his beer.
The second Englishman now tries his luck and says to the Irishman, "St. Patrick was a fag that wore a dress!"
To which the Irishman again replies "You don't say now!" and calmly resumes drinking his beer.
The last Englishman tell his friends he knows how to rile the Mick and bounces up to the table and screams "St. Patrick was an Englishman!"
To which the Irishman matter-of-factly replied, "So your friends were telling me."
<hr>
An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you sir?"
"Yesss, sssshombody stole me car!" the Irishman replies.
The cop asks, "Well now, where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wass at the end of thish key." the Irishman replies.
About this time the cop happens to notice that the Irishman's penis is being exhibited for all to see.
He then asks, "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself, sir?"
The Irishman looks down woefully and moans "OHHH GOD...they got me girlfriend, too!"
<hr>
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and each order a Guinness. They sit down and a fly falls right into each of their beers.
The Englishman looks at the fly in his beer, gets disgusted and pushes the beer away.
The Scotsman looks at the beer, picks up the fly, flicks it away and drinks his Guinness.
The Irishman looks at the beer, sees the fly picks it up and shouts: "SPIT IT OUT, DAMN YOU, SPIT IT OUT!"
<hr>
Mike O'Reilly came home from a hard day at the mill, and what did he see but his wife, Colleen, standing naked in front of a mirror, obviously pleased.
"Faith and what are ye doing, lass?"
"Well, Mike, I went down t' see Doctor Flannigan today. And, after he finished his exam, he said to me, 'Ye know, Missus O'Reilly, I've seen many a fair lass in my day, but ye have the foinest body in all of Dublin."
Mike stared in amazement, and with a sneer he asked, "Begorrah, that old mick can throw the blarney! And what would he be sayin' about your great big Irish ahss?"
"Well, Mike, ye know, he never mentioned you."
<hr>
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begorra, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight. The Murphy twins are drunk again."
<hr>
Two leprechauns went to the convent and begged an audience with the mother superior. "Well, how can I help you little people?" asked mother superior.
The larger and more intelligent-looking of the leprechauns asked, "Oh mother superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns here at the convent?"
"No," says mother superior, "I don't have any midget nuns here at the convent."
"All right then, mother superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns in all of Ireland than?"
"No, no," replied mother superior, "I don't know of any nuns who are also midgets in all of Ireland at all."
"Well then, mother superior, in all of nundom, in the whole world of all the nuns, would you be knowing, than, of any midget nuns?"
"No, I would not, there are no midget nuns in the whole of the world!" replied mother superior, "and would you please tell me what this is all about!!?"
The asking leprechaun turned sadly to the stupid leprechaun and said, "See, it's as I told you all along, you've been dating a Penguin."
<hr>
As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church, which she had always attended as a child.
In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips.
Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"
<hr>
An old Irish man is lying in bed, very ill. His son is sitting at his bedside, expecting the end to come at any moment. The old man looks up at the boy and says, "Son, it's time for you to get me a Protestant minister."
The son is astounded. "But, Dad!" he protests, "You've been a good Catholic all you life! You're delirious. It's a priest ye be wanting now, not a minister."
The old man looks up at him and says, "Son, please. It's me last request. Get a minister for me!"
"But, Dad," cries the son, "Ye raised me a good Catholic. You've been a good Catholic all your life. Ye don't want a minister at a time like this!"
The old man manages to croak out the words, "Son, if you respect me and love me as a father, you'll go out and get me a Protestant minister right now."
The son relents and goes out and gets the minister. They come back to the house, and the minister goes upstairs and converts him. As the minister is leaving the house, he passes Father O'Malley coming quickly through the door. The minister stares solemnly into the eyes of the priest. "I'm afraid you're too late, Father," he says. "He's a Protestant now."
Father O'Malley rushes up the steps and bursts into the old man's room. "Pat! Pat! Why did ye do it?" he cries. "You were such a good Catholic! We went to St. Mary's together! You were there when I performed my first mass! Why in the world would ye do such a thing like this?"
"Well," the old man says as he looks up at his dear friend. "I figured if somebody had to go, it was better one of *them* than one of *us*."
<hr>
Young O'Donnell rushed into a church, placed his rifle under a pew and entered the confessional. "Father," he said breathlessly, "I've just shot down two British lieutenants!" Hearing no response he went on: "I also knocked off a British captain!" When there was still no response from the priest, O'Donnell said, "Father, have ye fainted?"
"Of course I haven't fainted," replied the confessor. "I'm waitin' for you to stop talkin' politics and commence confessin' your sins!"
<hr>
O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent. "Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.
"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"
O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."
<hr>
Father O'Malley, the new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand."
The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, I understand and how did you feel about that?'" The new priest says those things. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No shit?!? What happened next?'"
<hr>
Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and if ya' don't give up your drinkin', it's to Hell I'll take ye'".
Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell ARE you?"
To that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil, ya' damned old fool".
To which Flaherty remarked, "Damned glad to meet you, sir, I'm married to yer sister."
<hr>
Kathleen Murphy was standing vigil over her husband's death bed. As she held his hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his face, and roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Kathleen," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh, don't talk."
But he was insistent. "Kathleen," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Kathleen. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Kathleen. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother." Kathleen mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. "Hush now, Patrick, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," she said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"
<hr>
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together." The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine. I just quit drinking."
<hr>
After the British Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
<hr>
Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ye."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ye, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"Sure and I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda......no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
<hr>
Sister Mary Margaret enters O 'Flynn's liquor shop. "I'd like to buy a bottle of Irish whiskey", she tells O 'Flynn. The owner of the store shakes his head and frowns. "A bottle of Irish whiskey? And you being a nun too."
"Oh no, no," Sister Mary Margaret exclaims. "It's for Father Reilly. His constipation, you know." O'Flynn smiles, nods, and puts a bottle into a bag. Sister Mary Margaret pays, takes the bag and goes on her way.
Later that day, O'Flynn closes shop for the day. On his way home he passes an alley. There in the alley is Sister Mary Margaret, rip roaring drunk, the empty bottle at her side. "Sister!" O'Flynn scolds. "And you said it was for Father Reilly's constipation."
"It is," answers Sister Mary Margaret. "When he sees me, he's gonna shit!"
<hr>
Paddy and Murphy are knocking back a few pints of Guinness at the local and in walks O'Rourk. He says, "Did ye hear about O'Hara dyin' last night?" Paddy and Murphy, in shock, exclaim, "No! Poor O'Hara. Has anyone told his wife?"
O'Rourk says, "No, she hasn't been told yet, but i'll get sweet-talking Patrick to tell her. He is such a sweet talker and so good with words that he can talk the fish out of the brook and the birds out of the trees."
They leave to find Patrick and as they are leaving in he walks and says, "Good Mornin to ye all lads, a pint on me for everyone." O'Rourk tells Patrick the sad news about O'Hara dyin and asks him to break the news very gently to his wife, as she doesn't yet know.
Patrick, the sweet talker says, "I will be glad to have a chat with O'Hara's wife and I'll break it so gently to her that a whimper is all she'll utter. I'm a man of words and I can charm the fish from the brook and the birds from the trees. Don't worry lads, I'll take care of this. They don't call me sweet talker for nuttin'."
Well, off they all go to O'Hara's house. Patrick knocks on the door and O'Hara's wife answers and says, "Yes, may I help you?" Sweet-talking Patrick steps forward and at attention says, "Are you the widow O'Hara?" To which the woman responds, "My name is O'Hara but I'm not a widow."
Sweet-talking Patrick braces himself and exclaims, "Shite you aint."
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard..
>
> "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
> "That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."!
> Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
> "What was his name?" asks Paddy.
> Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,
> "Miles, from Dublin." ************************************************** *
>Irish Predicament
> Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.
> The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits there.
> Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
> The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either." ************************************************** *
>Irish Last Request
> Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
> He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
> She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
> The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"
> She says, "That he did, Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
> She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'
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