Cat Perpetual Motion Machine

[The_Sonarman]

Perpetual Motion

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground.

If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of a high-speed monorail system.

In the buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered side down - it doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well with Jacob's crackers. So to save money you just miss out the toast - and butter the cats.

Also, should there be an imbalance between the effects of cat and butter, there are other substances that have a stronger affinity for carpet.

Probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple formula:

p = s * t

where p is the probability of carpet impact s is the "stain" value of the toast-covering substance - an indicator of the effectiveness of the toast topping in permanently staining the carpet.

Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very high s value, while the s value of water is zero.

t indicates the tone of the carpet and topping - the value of p being strongly related to the relationship between the colour of the carpet and topping, as even chicken tikka masala won't cause a permanent and obvious stain if the carpet is the same colour.

So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you use chicken tikka masala and a white carpet - in fact this combination gives a p value of one, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on its feet. Therefore a cat with chicken tikka masala on its back will be certain to hover in mid air.

Therefore, the monorail system should be powered by cats smeared with chicken tikka masala floating above a rail made from white shag pile carpet.

[The_Sonarman]

The Buttered Cat Principle

The Facts...
If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from a window or other high and towering place, it will land on it's feet.

The Problem Statement...

But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side up to a cat's back and toss them both out the window? Will the cat land on its feet? Or will the butter splat on the ground?

The answer...

Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash its furry back. If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall.

That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.

Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies.

The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and ticked off aliens crash on top of them.

[The_Sonarman]

Cat and Toast Continued

ORIGINAL:
When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on its feet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the buttered side facing down. Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat. When dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground, probably into eternity. A "buttered-cat array" could replace pneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and "giant buttered-cat arrays" could easily allow a high-speed monorail linking New York with Chicago.

REBUTTALS:

Allow a humble engineer to comment. In the described mode, the buttered cat array will drop like a stone and go splat. The toast is on the cat's back, so its feet are free. Presumably, the toast is butter side up. Dropped from any height, the cat's feet OR the buttered toast both are attracted to the ground, and there is nothing to stop the descent to splat-dom. It is the cat's BACK, and the UNBUTTERED side of the toast that repels the ground. For the "buttered cat array" to work, the cat must have four pieces of toast attached to its paws, with each paw firmly planted on the butter side. THIS array will then "hover, spinning inches above the ground" as the toast tries to flip over to the buttered side and the cat tries to spin so it's back is upright. -- Stan P

"Would you believe that I actually tried that buttered-cat thing, it didn't work and my cat scratched the shit out of me...?" -- Kain0

I am sorry to have to spoil your grand hopes of the perpetual motion machine but: The proposed revision to the buttered cat array will simply not work. In order to have the assembly work properly, the center of gyration would have to coincide with the plane through which the junction of toast and paws pass. The current proposed configuration has two masses joined together, which are of extremely unsimilar masses. The resultant center of gravity would be; depending upon the breed of cat; approximately 1/4" above the belly of the cat. The forces acting against the approaching ground, working through the junction of sole and butter, causing the assembly to rotate around the off-centered point of gyration; resulting in the cataclysmic disassociation of all parts in common. Not to mention the loss of life and limb of any laboratory worker foolhardy enough to try and get one piece of buttered bread onto a cat let alone attempt this feat four times. (Everybody knows that the cats' disposition in indirectly proportional to the fifth power of the cats discomfort.) -- Jeff B

The other thing to keep in mind is that you'd have to be careful where the cat is dropped...in the northern hemisphere, the spinning cat would, of course, spin in a counterclockwise direction, ala hurricanes and toilet bowls. South of the equator, the reverse would be true. A regulatory commission would have to be established to prevent mean spirited people from dropping buttered cats ON the equator, which would cause them to spin both ways at once, either turning them inside out or making them politicians. The truly perverse would tie the cat's feet together, apply the buttered toast, and then watch with glee, as the reverse g-force applied to such a concentrated area would shoot the cat up into the sky like some furry rocket. You have to be careful with these things. -- Rev. Glenn F.

[The_Sonarman]

Cat and Toast

Was it Douglas Adams who proposed the anti-gravity device composed of a buttered slice of toast tied to the back of a cat? Since cats "always land on their feet" and toast "always lands buttered side down" the combination of the two could logically never reach the floor.
Report of experiment:
Hypothesis
See above.


Apparatus
a.. One (1) English muffin half, lightly toasted (no standard bread was available at the time)
b.. Strawberry jam, homemade by the experimenter's mother
c.. String
d.. One (1) cat; in this case a six-year-old spayed female, slightly overweight, named Gotterdammerung


Setup
Two small holes were cut in the English muffin half, each about 0.75 inches from the edge of the muffin, 180 degrees apart. After toasting, a length of string was threaded through the muffin, which was then spread with approximately one tablespoon of strawberry jam. (Aside: will the amount of jam determine the hovering height of the cat-muffin assembly?) The string was tied around the cat's waist, with the muffin arranged on the cat's back, strawberry jam side up.

Methodology
The cat will be dropped from about three feet above the floor. The initial trial will be done with the cat oriented sideways upon release, so as not to bias the results in either the catwards or muffinwards direction. Should the apparatus prove durable enough for repeated trials, additional starting orientations will be tried.

Observations
a.. The cat seemed vaguely disturbed by the assembly process, although she did not attempt to escape (perhaps because she had not yet been fed her breakfast and was afraid she would miss it).
b.. Because the string had been tied somewhat loosely (so as not to cut through the muffin or interfere with the cat's breathing), there was an unanticipated degree of muffin slippage, particularly as the cat twisted around during her descent.
c.. The cat landed on her feet.
d.. By the time of the cat's landing, the muffin had slipped around her body almost to her stomach.
e.. After the cat landed, she sat down and started chewing at the string; this action brought the jam side of the muffin in contact with the floor.
f.. Roommates tend to be displeased with patches of strawberry jam covered with cat hair in the center of the kitchen floor.


Discussion
Obviously the two physical laws involved in this experiment are far stronger than this experimenter had anticipated. A more sophisticated method of muffin affixation is needed before a reliable anti-gravity device can be produced. Unfortunately, the experimenter had to leave for work after cleaning up the mess, so no further experimentation was possible.

Conclusion
Two unbreakable laws, when set up in seeming opposition, will both be satisfied anyway. Further research into cat-muffin phenomena is desperately needed, pending the award of extremely large research grants (cash in small-denomination, unmarked bills preferred) and the assistance of nubile young laboratory assistants (ones who look like Erica Eleniak would be ideal).

[Patriot Heart]

Sorry Sonar I did not see your post before I started a thread on the same topic. Well worth discussing nontheless! :catplus: (http://www.freeconservatives.com/vb/misc.php?do=getsmilies#)

[The_Sonarman]

f.. Roommates tend to be displeased with patches of strawberry jam covered with cat hair in the center of the kitchen floor.

The cats aren't terribly pleased being covered with strawberry jam, either.

[Lazarus]

HAHAHAHA... That made me laugh... Thanks!:grin: