Ten Rules For Dating My Daughter

[The_Sonarman]

Ten Rules For Dating My Daughter

Rule One

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear theirs trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: you may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four

I'm sure that you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five

In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh, and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or pastors within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies, which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless commander of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car-there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[Crusader]

ROFL! Sounds like your daughter is well taken care of.:solder: :grin:

[The_Sonarman]

It's an oldie, but a goodie.

I think I've published this one three times in the past three years.

I particularly like #9 and #10.

[PrezLeefun]

uhhhhhhhhhhh didnt Homes post something like this yesterday?

[The_Sonarman]

oops

You're correct.

I only saw the application form

[Teenager]

I love this. It reminds me of who I'm gonna be when I grow up :)
I also like it b/c it shows how much fathers should really care for their daughters.

[Pennville_Bill]

It's an oldie, but a goodie.

I think I've published this one three times in the past three years.

I particularly like #9 and #10.

And it keeps getting better with age. And it goes for grandfathers as well as dads.......:thumb:

[miniCoach]

Yeah... that sounds JUST like my dad.

[Peachdiane]

Well, now! Since I have no daughters, how about the other gender? :D

"8 Simple Rules for Dating My Son."


Back in those primitive years before the invention of helpful objects like cell phones that work underwater, boys chased girls. We did this fluently. We planned for it, we paid for it, and we preened for it. But something happened a few short years ago: The roles reversed. Girls began chasing boys. Aggressively. Like hungry lionesses preying on limping antelope. They started yelling out car windows at them and calling them on the telephone. Fathers began greeting these calls with the same enthusiasm we reserve for telemarketers. “You’d like to speak with my son?” we say. “I am sorry, he is on a mission trip to Zimbabwe where he is marrying a local girl.” The caller does not laugh at this point. In fact, she calls back later: “Is this Edna?” we ask. “Or Diane or Sarah? There are so many, I get you mixed up.”

Since my sons are both receiving calls from lovely girls who I am sure will make fine wives for someone in twenty or thirty years, I have decided to issue this short edict to help them increase their chances of that someone being one of my children. Though shorter than Martin Luther’s 95 Theses, I believe this is worth nailing to the front door. I will be doing this myself later today. With an electric staple gun.<?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = O /><O:P> </O:P>

Rule One: If you would like to talk with my son, please do this in the church foyer during the fellowship hour when the lights are on. Remember to bring your Bible. If you call my house to talk with my son, your call could be monitored by our Customer Service Department. <O:P></O:P>

Rule Two: My son is sixteen. The following locations and activities are acceptable for your date: Um…I can’t think of any right now.<O:P> </O:P>

Rule Three: Please remember that earrings are intended for your ears only.<O:P> </O:P>

Rule Four: If you would like to hang out with my son, you will have to put up with me. I am out on a weekend pass and I am unsure of what I will do or say next. Though we are a loving and kind family, we also have a history of Paranoia. Schizophrenia also runs deeply through our genes, though my grandfather adamantly denied this before we locked him up. <O:P></O:P>

Rule Five: My son cannot use my minivan to drive you to a mall. The van is already booked that year.<O:P> </O:P>

Rule Six: Please do not touch my son. Do not lean against him unless you are falling over and are in danger of injuring yourself or plunging off a cliff. Do not even pull lint from his ear. I have been trying to do this for years and he will not let me. He can do this himself.<O:P> </O:P>

Rule Seven: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for girls your age to wear Britney Spears t-shirts that do not reach their low-slung pants or necklines that sink lower than the Dow Jones Industrial Average. My wife and I have discussed this and since we want to be fair and open-minded about it, you are free to show up in such attire. My wife will affix it properly to your body with a glue gun. <O:P></O:P>

Rule Eight: Above all else, please remember that we’ve been praying for this boy since before God gave him breath, and we will continue to. If you’re The One, we’ve been praying for you too. When and if he chooses a godly girl, we will be happier than Mr. and Mrs. Turtle when they finally exited the Ark, but until then we’ll keep praying that both of you will pursue Jesus first, and watch everything else fall into place. <O:P></O:P>

PS: If you are a teenage girl who has read this and still has a smile on your face, go ahead and call. Our number is 1-800-321. If you somehow get through, just remember that your call may be monitored by our Customer Service Department

[The_Sonarman]

I've never seen the one on the girls chasing the sons before. Good one, Peach.

[TheRealLobo]

And it keeps getting better with age. And it goes for grandfathers as well as dads.......:thumb:

And Uncles.