Patriot Heart
10-08-2005, 08:53 PM
Forgive me if this is a repeat, I just found it.
> Division of the human family into two distinct political groups began
> some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of
> nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains in the
> summer and would go to the beach and live on fish and lobster in
> winter.
>
> The two most important events in all of history were the invention of
> beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get
> man to the beer.
>
> These two events were the foundation of modern civilization and
> together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two
> distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
>
> Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning
> of Agriculture, neither the glass bottle, nor the aluminum can were
> invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around
> waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the
> brewery. That's how villages were formed.
>
> Some men split their days tracking and killing animals to barbecue at
> night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what
> is known as" the Conservative movement." Other men who were weaker
> and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the Conservatives by
> showing up for the nightly barbecue and doing the sewing, fetching and
> hairdressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
>
> Some of these Liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest
> became known as "girlymen." Some noteworthy Liberal achievements
> include the domestication of cats, the trade union, the invention of
> group therapy and group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to
> decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.
>
> Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
> most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are
> symbolized by the jackass.
>
> Modern Liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
> white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like
> their beef well done. Sushi, tofu and French food are standard
> liberal fare.
>
> Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have
> higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,
> personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and
> group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated
> hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher
> also bat.
>
> Conservatives drink domestic beer and eat red meat and potatoes.
> Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
> construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate
> executives, soldiers, athletes and generally anyone who works
> productively outside government.
>
> Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to
> work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to
> "govern" the producers and decide what to do with production.
>
> Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans.
> That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives
> were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame
> and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
>
> And here ends today's lesson in world history
> Division of the human family into two distinct political groups began
> some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of
> nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains in the
> summer and would go to the beach and live on fish and lobster in
> winter.
>
> The two most important events in all of history were the invention of
> beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get
> man to the beer.
>
> These two events were the foundation of modern civilization and
> together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two
> distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
>
> Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning
> of Agriculture, neither the glass bottle, nor the aluminum can were
> invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around
> waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the
> brewery. That's how villages were formed.
>
> Some men split their days tracking and killing animals to barbecue at
> night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what
> is known as" the Conservative movement." Other men who were weaker
> and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the Conservatives by
> showing up for the nightly barbecue and doing the sewing, fetching and
> hairdressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
>
> Some of these Liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest
> became known as "girlymen." Some noteworthy Liberal achievements
> include the domestication of cats, the trade union, the invention of
> group therapy and group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to
> decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.
>
> Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
> most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are
> symbolized by the jackass.
>
> Modern Liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
> white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like
> their beef well done. Sushi, tofu and French food are standard
> liberal fare.
>
> Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have
> higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,
> personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and
> group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated
> hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher
> also bat.
>
> Conservatives drink domestic beer and eat red meat and potatoes.
> Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
> construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate
> executives, soldiers, athletes and generally anyone who works
> productively outside government.
>
> Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to
> work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to
> "govern" the producers and decide what to do with production.
>
> Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans.
> That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives
> were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame
> and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
>
> And here ends today's lesson in world history