a girl

[Black Phoenix]

Sheesh, I thought I'd never ask anyone about this.

Unfortuanately my circle of conservative Christian friends that I'm confident sharing the fact that I have differing views from the church at large with, is... well, my whole family, won't listen to a word I say about God, no matter how good a presentation I give (often ones that would knock the socks off polictical presentations I give here and at school) and I have very few Christian friends at the moment. So this is the only place I have to go for advice on subjects that involve that subject.

I met a girl.

I know, I know, "Phoenix, you're 21, shouldn't this have happened a long time ago?". Probably. I was just never looking for a girl. Now I've found one I just can't stop thinking about. What's wrong with me???!

At work I had one or two (maybe three... couple hour talks though, so yea, I think we covered a lot) conversations with her about religion and politics, and I'm starting to get hooked. She's the only person whoes ever understood and shared my beliefs on God so readily, openly and well. From what I understand, we both arrived at very much the same conclusions, the same way... on our own! I went home so happy that I was NOT alone in my beliefs, hoping to meet her again.

But now I'm think of her as a "girl" girl. Ya know... well, you know.

IS THIS NORMAL? Should I keep trying to find her again... sheesh, every girl is now starting to look like her... what's wrong with me!!!??? I don't talk this way... I don't think this way... Help...

[Teenager]

Dude, I've just gotten myself into the same problem. Yeah, this girl really cool, not just on the outside, but especially on the inside, which is extremely awesome. Everytime I see her, I get butterflies, and sometimes I'm afraid to talk to her. I keep thinking about her more and more often. I've never been like this before. It's cool!

Anyways, I know this didn't help, but I just felt like sharing the same thing.

[HomeschoolrsRUs]

Your emotions cannot be trusted, you are human, and they can deceive you very easily. The Bible says much about seeking counsel, and that would be my suggestion. I would follow a decided path:

If we are seeking a clear direction in a matter such as this, we should subject our thoughts and desires to different sources of counsel -

1) The Counsel of Scripture - First, what does God's Word say about a particular issue? The Psalmist wrote, "Thy testimonies also are my delight and my counsellors." Psalm 119:24

2) The Counsel of Godly People - "The mouth of the righteous speaketh wisdom, and his tongue talketh of judgment. The law of his God is in his heart; none of his steps shall slide." Psalm 37:30-31
A. Parents - even if they aren't of the Lord, they could have cautions to give, and you are commanded to honor your parents
B. Experienced People (people who have successful relationships)

3) The Counsel of the Lord - Pray, and listen to the Lord's voice. Make yourself soft, so that even the smallest of messages can get through ... even if it is not one you would like to hear.

4) Avoid the counsel of the wicked - fortune tellers, mediums, spiritualists, etc, and biased counsel (when the other person has a stake in your decision, they could be swayed and give sway).

Just my .02 worth.

[Lazarus]

Ok... Now its time for advice from OLD Uncle Laz... So listen up, young dudes...

Its a wunnerful thing when you find a member of the opposite sex who agrees with MOST of your beliefs, and has a personality, can carry on a conversation, and has all the charms God gave the female... Enjoy... But Im gonna warn you, this is a very dangerous position you are in at the moment - especially if this is the first serious crush you have had...

I would be happy to expound in more deatil but I think it should be done in PMs instead of the open forum - This is "Guy talk" - Big Brother to Little Brother sorta stuff... And I tend to use graphic explicit detail in my explanations that may not be suitable to the open forum...

So if you want to know more, send me a private message... Uncle Laz has been there and is here for you...:smirky:

[HomeschoolrsRUs]

I would be happy to expound in more deatil but I think it should be done in PMs instead of the open forum - This is "Guy talk" - Big Brother to Little Brother sorta stuff... And I tend to use graphic explicit detail in my explanations that may not be suitable to the open forum...

So if you want to know more, send me a private message... Uncle Laz has been there and is here for you...:smirky:

That would be option #2, I believe, http://www.freeconservatives.com/vb/images/icons/biggrin.gif

2) The Counsel of Godly People - "The mouth of the righteous speaketh wisdom, and his tongue talketh of judgment. The law of his God is in his heart; none of his steps shall slide." Psalm 37:30-31
A. Parents - even if they aren't of the Lord, they could have cautions to give, and you are commanded to honor your parents
B. Experienced People (people who have successful relationships)

So sayeth YOUNG (at heart) HMS, :smirky:

[jag]

IS THIS NORMAL? Should I keep trying to find her again... sheesh, every girl is now starting to look like her... what's wrong with me!!!??? I don't talk this way... I don't think this way... Help...

Of course it's normal and good for you. Go with it, but keep your head on straight and move slowly

[Teenager]

Alright Laz, fire away at the pm's :D. I could always use advice. I never get advice from e-people(I always get it from my family members), but it doesn't hurt to see what good ol' Laz has to say.

[ConservativeYouthMovement]

Check for signs like wedding bands or boy friends, ask her out on a date but take her someplace that is not cliche like the movies. Take her to a place that is special that in the future you can both relate to.

Also, if you never ask you will never know. The real question is, is she worth losing because you never asked her if she feels the same way.

If you know how you feel you wont need counsel because it sounds like you already made up your mind.

[Black Phoenix]

About asking my Parents and family

First I'd have to explain my beliefs to my parents. If they'd listen without cutting me off, laughing at me, or accusing me of going against authority before hearing much more than a sentence of reasonable non-accusation style ideas (they're Baptist, are Baptist not going against the authority of the Pope and many old Catholics, and Lutherns, and all other denominations for that matter?), I would. But, to be honest, I guess that's a rather serious side of this issue. I now find myself trying to avoid them... I'm afraid this will end up in six months when I move out and get an apartment (I'll have my degree then, and I can't wait to get out), right there I'll tell them my beliefs, and if they refuse to listen, instead acting the way they've acted in the past, I'll have to ask them to leave... I love my parents, they're VERY good people, and honestly, they have no other flaws it often seems. We have our disagreements, but usually we can work it out. This issue, on their side, gives no hope of that being possible. No I don't understand why, no this is NOT like them at all.

But I love God more. The Calvinist views I'm fighting so hard against, and am so easily proving false, alomst drove me to paganism and atheism.

The other problem with getting advise is... I haven't got many Christain elders to ask I guess. Not that I know on that level. What should I do, ask the pastor? "Hey, I know you have no clue who I am, but I met a girl who are agrees with me that half your Biblical views aren't actually based on the Bible, what should I do?"
Hence why I rejoiced so much in the idea that I was not alone. Hmmm, I guess for now, even if I do find her, my life is not one to bring a woman into at the moment. I guess I should keep looking for her, but for a friend, not someone to date and well... you know.


I would be happy to expound in more deatil but I think it should be done in PMs instead of the open forum - This is "Guy talk" - Big Brother to Little Brother sorta stuff... And I tend to use graphic explicit detail in my explanations that may not be suitable to the open forum...


Bud, if you're thinking about talking about sexual things... not really worried about that... we both feel the same way. Virgins till marrage. So IF (and that's a big if at this point), we got married, it would be our first times. Besides... I don't know how loud I should say this... she's not that unbelievably attractive in body... not that she's ugly, just not really attractive, that's all.

[SunnyBrook]

Re: purity until marriage

Once you meet someone who is THE ONE, it becomes much harder to stay pure, even when you are both virgins/committed to abstinance before marriage, etc. Don't let your guard down. I never had a problem controlling myself with guys until I dated dh. We were one in heart and spirit, something that fueled the flames of desire more than mere physical attraction. We spent a lot of time at the altar trying to maintain control throughout out dating relationship (which was mercifully SHORT)!

Here are some suggestions for when you do start dating someone special:

- date in groups/church functions, etc.
- have those long heart to heart conversations in a public place as opposed to a dimly lit vehicle
- make yourself accountable to someone
- set up ground rules from the first time you become physically involved (i.e. keep both feet on the floor at all times, no hands inside clothes, etc.)
- set consequences for yourselves if you break those rules (i.e. several days separation, no 1 on 1 time alone together, etc.)

Hope this helps!

[Pendragon_6]

The only problem I see is that you both work at the same place.

[dPrasse]

Hey Guy ...

simple words that for you to think about before you , the girl and any possible kids in the future get hurt ....

make sure you KNOW where you are going in life and that she KNOWS where she is going in life and that both of are going the SAME direction ...
Speaking from expeience .. if two people get married and are not in synch with each others thinking , no matter how many "band aids " you apply , your relation will die ... then you will have the very heart-wrenching decision of whether to live "dead" in a dead mariage "for the kids" ... or be "true to oneself" and tear things apart and deal with the heart break of everyone you love ...

so , if you are still not sure "Where you are going" with your life ... have a really cool friend that you can confide in and share with ..

as far as "attractive" ...dont let her see that ! geez ! you'll be neutered !
but , seriously ... are you saying that she is plain or that you don't find her attractive ?

[BEST45CAL]

At work I had one or two (maybe three... couple hour talks though, so yea, I think we covered a lot) conversations with her about religion and politics, and I'm starting to get hooked. She's the only person whoes ever understood and shared my beliefs on God so readily, openly and well. From what I understand, we both arrived at very much the same conclusions, the same way... on our own! I went home so happy that I was NOT alone in my beliefs, hoping to meet her again.

But now I'm think of her as a "girl" girl. Ya know... well, you know.

IS THIS NORMAL? Should I keep trying to find her again... sheesh, every girl is now starting to look like her... what's wrong with me!!!??? I don't talk this way... I don't think this way... Help...

Go and find her if you can. When you do, find out if she's single. Then take it from there, but don't put the cart in front of the horse.

[jag]

Besides... I don't know how loud I should say this... she's not that unbelievably attractive in body... not that she's ugly, just not really attractive, that's all.

You shouldn't say it at all, silly boy. That is not a criteria for feelings other than lust - unless she can actually shave that unibrow and have the wart on her nose removed :smirky:

What I mean is if it didn't have an effect on how you felt before, it would be shallow for it to evolve into meaning anything in the future.

[dPrasse]

Jag , why is it shallow to base a relation partly on physical looks ?

There are more than one person in this world that shares his views ?

No use in "settling" with the first one he happens upon ... for a long term relation , it is nice to be attracted to the significant othe at the beginning ! ;)

[jag]

Jag , why is it shallow to base a relation partly on physical looks ?

There are more than one person in this world that shares his views ?

No use in "settling" with the first one he happens upon ... for a long term relation , it is nice to be attracted to the significant othe at the beginning ! ;)

In his initial post it didn't sound like an issue, so I meant to make it an issue was shallow. Many, many wonderful and unattractive people hook up becuase the spark isn't on the surface but they are "attractive" anyway.

I get what you mean about settling, but he sounds like the fact that she isn't a beauty queen didn't matter when he wrote about how great she was, he sounded a tad apologetic 'cause she's not a looker.

I could be wrong, it happens more times than I'ld like to acknowledge :crazy:

[Beowulf]

Lots of good points in this thread.

Pheonix, I think it's totally normal what you're experiencing. The advice I often give is don't go looking for a relationship, it often just happens. It's kinda how Mrs. Beo and I started. We met when we were kids (13 yrs. old). We've been married now for 16 years.

We're both Catholic but just because we don't attend mass all that often doesn't mean we don't have our faith. It's a base for us. I usually don't discuss religion around other people for the reasons you encounter with your folks and such. Most don't care or it's just too personal. This gal sounds like a keeper.

And I do get a bit bothered when people base relationships on physical attributes. My feeling is, as guys, if we are a bit overweight, what business do we have being critical if she is a bit overweight? Comliness doesn't make up who someone is. I look within someone.

[dPrasse]

the fact that she isn't a beauty queen didn't matter when he wrote about how great she was, he sounded a tad apologetic 'cause she's not a looker.

Agreed that it did sound like it was tacked on ... he needs to remember that if things get real serious ... that'll be the "not so attractive" peson he wakes up to evey morning ... :hahaha:

I guess if he finds her attractive , it shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks , eveybodies sense of "outward beauty" is diffeent ...

but , if he is just "intellectually" attracted to her because she is the first girl his age that thinks the same way and is not also "shallowly" attracted to her outwad appearance ... good friends at work is the best bet ...

There are lots of fish in the sea ... and they all appear when you are in a difficult time of a relation ... take your time ... good friends is a GREAT start though !

[Lazarus]

Bud, if you're thinking about talking about sexual things... not really worried about that... No not really... Im talkin about infatuation over a sitiuation that is a new experience in your life... And about NOT making a lifetime commitment over a situation that you know very little about... About being in a very natural and very vulnerable situation...

...but , if he is just "intellectually" attracted to her because she is the first girl his age that thinks the same way and is not also "shallowly" attracted to her outwad appearance ... good friends at work is the best bet ...

There are lots of fish in the sea ... and they all appear when you are in a difficult time of a relation ... take your time ... good friends is a GREAT start though !Good advice...

The danger you are in at this point is that you are taken with a situation you have never experienced before, and you may be confusing it with love... I obviously cannot know whether this gal is "the right one" or not - Only you can make that decision... But from my own experience (far more extensive than I care to illustrate here), you MUST go slow at this point...

If you are dating her, date her for at least a year - People always show their best side when they are in a romantic situation, but no one can hide their flaws over a year's time... And when you see the flaws you MUST be honest and true to your norms and standards... If you cannot live with these flaws, dont for one second believe you can change her - because you cant...

My pastor has a saying he likes to use: No one is better at marriage than they are as a person... ie, Marriage does not change ANYONE... A bum or a bitch will still be a bum or a bitch after they are married, and then you are chained to him/her...

If this is your first serious romantic hangup, its almost certain that she will NOT be the right one... Without trying to sound condescending Im going to tell you (and Teenager) that what you are mostly experiencing is nothing more than infatuation - ie, you are in love with the idea of being in love... You have now discovered a female of the species that has depth and facets to her that never appeared in any previous romantic relationship you experienced before - Its all new and in your mind, this must be love...

In truth its just a new phase of your life - and its exciting... After living on this earth for almost 50 years, I have decided that in our culture, adulthood doesnt really begin until sometime around 30 yo...

Its normal - everyone goes thru this in the beginning... I thank God that he gave me the wisdom to NOT marry the first gal I felt this way with... Or the second... etc...etc...

There is no mistake a person can make in their personal life that comes near the torture and misery that results from being married to the wrong person when the right one comes along... Its the most terrible situation to find yourself in - and you have no one to blame but yourself...

So take it slowly... Remain calm... And you will discover, most likely, that this girl is only the first of MANY you will meet in your life who stimulates your intellectual side... Its just a part of growing up - a new phase of your life that you are only now discovering...

Enjoy it but dont make any binding decisions based on this first, introductory relationship... Take your time and commit to yourself that you will wait and meet all those other fine ladies that God has waiting in the wings for your consideration... You wont miss anything by taking this route... If this gal is the right one, she'll still be the right one 5 years from now...

[Black Phoenix]

I was thinking of dating two years if that ever gets started. (Sheesh, still gotta find er'... I think maybe I have, but best not to get my hopes up). In any case, teenager may be thinking that advanced... but I don't know if its far into LOVE for me. Just, ya know, it feels like this person could be right...

But in the end, I couldn't possibly know that yet.

May not have any actual dating experience, but I'll give a little advice to the teen, if ya'll don't mind.

1. If you stay with this girl for a long time, you may hear the line that you should "see other people", why you would, is beyond me. Don't abuse her like that, and don't let her do it to you. If she's serious about you, she won't be trying to date every football jock that comes along, whilst dating you at the same time, as you shouldn't be staring at those cheerleaders.

2. On the issue of "alone time" I have something very important to say: AVOID AT ALL COSTS!!!! If you're as young as your pictures look,... what the hey, if I find this girl, I'll be trying to avoid alone time as well. Try to remember, you're doing this BECAUSE you care about her, not because you just want to keep your distance. If your alone and things go too far (things much more easily avoided if in a crowd of people likely to deter... eh em, not your friends that howl every time an attractive girl walks by, they're more likely to CAUSE problems), imagine how much that will hurt HER.

3. They all say, "listen to your elders" on this one, but here's a tip. Not all elders give good advice. Many a one has unashamedly (not here you understand) told me to find a girl, do her, and leave fast as I can (sometimes without me asking... not always sure why they're so eager to brag that they're SOBs, but... makes me feel like maybe I should support a form of "assistant suicide"). Just cause their old, doesn't mean they're not shallow.

4. Look into her EYES. No, do not constantly look lower. EYES UP!:uhh:

5. Got a sibling? Would probably be a good chaperone and adviser... I would have been for my sis. (Boy, could she have avoided a lot of troubles if I was around on those dates... course maybe a few of those guys would be six feet under the way they treated her... but I still wonder if that would in fact be a happy ending:whistle: ... maybe...) He or she, will probably be more interested in what best for you, then making sure things work out with you and your girl. It's hard to listen to elders sometimes, I know. But that sibling may just be the medium you need, since it's not a elder, but still someone who can see this from an objective point of view.

6. Please, she has a name, use it, not "baby". And see that she understands your name is not "sugar".

7. DO keep an eye on how she acts around other guys... of course, conversly, check your own behavior around women.

8. KNOW you have the same faith. If not, call it off.

9. You can't change her, she can't change you, you can't change for her.

10. for the first year... maybe you should avoid talking about things like kids and marrage. I'd really give this about three for four years at your age. After all, remember, you might still want to go to college, and that won't be easy if you're married.

[Teenager]

Excellent advice, Laz, Black Phoenix. Right now, I haven't made any move to suggest to anybody that she is my girlfriend, simply because she is not. My family knows I really really like her alot, and I hope they are the only ones that know right now. Also, I am just watching her a lot before I make any moves that remotely suggest that I want to be her boyfriend.

A big plus, her brother goes to the same community college I'm at right now. I want to make good friends with him first. This a good idea, right? I figured it's always a good idea to get to know her entire family, and not just her.

4. Look into her EYES. No, do not constantly look lower. EYES UP!:uhh:

Absolutely one of the best advices for this day and age, IMO.

[BEST45CAL]

Get to know her FIRST. The family will come later. If you're a good guy, you don't have to prove yourself to anyone.

[dPrasse]

9. You can't change her, she can't change you, you can't change for her.



BINGO !! Rule #1 ... love someone for who they ARE , not who they COULD BE !

I'd say that was the major flaw in my first mariage ... we both thought the other would "change" .....

[Lazarus]

I was thinking of dating two years if that ever gets started...Actually Mrs Laz and I dated for 3 years before we decided to lock it down... I am a big believer in long dating periods...

4. Look into her EYES. No, do not constantly look lower. EYES UP!:uhh: Which is hard to do when they wear em right up front like that...:grin:

6. Please, she has a name, use it, not "baby"...Im guilty of this even with the ladies on this board... But that may be a "Southern Thang"... Its common down here to be called "sugar" by any number of big fat blondie waitresses in any cafe in the South... It comes nachural to some of us... Im afraid this dog is too old to unlearn that trick... ;)

8. KNOW you have the same faith. If not, call it off.This is a serious point here... And there is no room for negotiation here, unless of course you have no faith...

[SunnyBrook]

DATING: IT'S A PURE THING
Navigating the dating scene can be like white-water rafting — without the raft. Despite what your friends are doing, it is possible to date and honor God in your relationships. Here's great advice from top Christian artists on how to stay on course, pursue purity and have fun!



http://www.breakawaymag.com/Girls/A000000152.cfm
Click the link to read the rest.