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10-13-2005, 07:06 AM
Texas vs. Australia
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation, where he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field.
The Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large back home."
They walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows back home."
The conversation has almost died, when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asks, "And what are those?"
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers back home?"
A Texas Soldier
A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune, "One Texas soldier is better than ten Taliban soldiers!"
The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out, "One Texas soldier is better than one hundred Taliban soldiers!"
Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The Texan voice calls out again, "One Texas soldier is better than one thousand Taliban soldiers!"
The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket, and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.
Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander,
"Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There's two of them!!"
Texas Pride
Bigger in Texas As everyone knows, everything is bigger in Texas.
The roads are bigger, the trees are bigger,
and the wide open spaces are, well, wider.
Texans wear the biggest hats, the biggest boots, and drive the biggest cars.
One day, a Texan died and went to heaven.
He was met at the pearly gates by none other than St. Peter, who proceeded to give him a tour of the wonders of heaven.
The Texan, however, was not impressed.
St. Peter showed him the most beautiful rivers, and the Texan said that they were bigger in Texas.
St. Peter revealed to him the majesty of mountains, but the Texan reminded him that they were just as good, if not better, back in Texas.
St. Peter showed him the glory of the stars (they shine brighter in Texas), the enormity of the sunrise (you haven't seen it until you've seen it in Texas), and the simple wonder of a doe and a fawn drinking at a lake at sunset (reminiscent of Lake Texarkana, only not as pretty).
There was nothing St. Peter could do to overcome the man's opinion of his home state. Finally, St. Peter took the Texan right out to the edge of heaven, and they both looked down.
From there one could see all the way down into Hell.
They could see the fire and the brimstone and the agony ad infinitum. It was a horrific sight.
St. Peter then said, "Well? What do you think about that? Have anything like THAT down in Texas?"
The Texan replied, "No sir, we don't -- but I know a couple old boys down in Houston who will put that out for ya."
Trip To Texas
Prior to her trip to Texas, Virginia had confided to her sorority sisters that she had three goals for her trip the Lone Star State: she wanted to taste some real Texas barbecue, she wanted to take in a bona fide Texas rodeo, and she wanted to have sex with a Texan.
Upon her return, the sorority sisters were curious about how she had fared.
"Let me tell you," she said, "they have an indigenous bush down there called Mesquite, and when they slow-cook that brisket over that mesquite wood, wow! That beef not only melts in your mouth, the taste is beyond belief! And the men? I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes! These guys wrestle real, full-grown bulls like they do in Spain. Except they ride a horse at full gallop, throw a rope on these huge bulls, then jump off the horse and literally grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground and tie 'em up. And that's not all! It's a race! They ALL do it and only the fastest gets prize money!"
"Virginia! Come on, tell us! You said you wanted to make love to a Texan! What happened?"
"Well," Virginia said, "I'll admit, I was tempted, but when I was at the rodeo and saw the outline of the condoms in the back pocket of those Texans' jeans, I changed my mind!"
A journal of a Texas Summer
May 30th: Just moved to Texas. Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Trees and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.
June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th: The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? Too bad it's not a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th: Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though, got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20: I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and just as I opened the door she exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. No more pets in this heat!
July 25th: Dry #@*&$!% heat, my ass. Hot is hot!! The home air conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th: Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,500 in darn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
Aug 4th: 115 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman peed in my pool. I hate this #@*&$!% state.
Aug 8th: If another wise jerk cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to tear his #@*&$!% throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like a roasted #@*&$!% goat!!
Aug 10th: The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It's been too hot two #@*& darn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren darn desert?? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the #@*&$!% pool. Even a cactus can't live in this heat.
Aug 14th: Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the #@*&$!% windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.
Aug 30th: Worst day of the damn summer. I'm not leaving the house. The #@*&$!% monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with its new $500 windshield. That does it, we're moving back to California where all you have to worry about is earthquakes.
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation, where he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field.
The Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large back home."
They walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows back home."
The conversation has almost died, when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asks, "And what are those?"
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers back home?"
A Texas Soldier
A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune, "One Texas soldier is better than ten Taliban soldiers!"
The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out, "One Texas soldier is better than one hundred Taliban soldiers!"
Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The Texan voice calls out again, "One Texas soldier is better than one thousand Taliban soldiers!"
The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket, and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.
Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander,
"Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There's two of them!!"
Texas Pride
Bigger in Texas As everyone knows, everything is bigger in Texas.
The roads are bigger, the trees are bigger,
and the wide open spaces are, well, wider.
Texans wear the biggest hats, the biggest boots, and drive the biggest cars.
One day, a Texan died and went to heaven.
He was met at the pearly gates by none other than St. Peter, who proceeded to give him a tour of the wonders of heaven.
The Texan, however, was not impressed.
St. Peter showed him the most beautiful rivers, and the Texan said that they were bigger in Texas.
St. Peter revealed to him the majesty of mountains, but the Texan reminded him that they were just as good, if not better, back in Texas.
St. Peter showed him the glory of the stars (they shine brighter in Texas), the enormity of the sunrise (you haven't seen it until you've seen it in Texas), and the simple wonder of a doe and a fawn drinking at a lake at sunset (reminiscent of Lake Texarkana, only not as pretty).
There was nothing St. Peter could do to overcome the man's opinion of his home state. Finally, St. Peter took the Texan right out to the edge of heaven, and they both looked down.
From there one could see all the way down into Hell.
They could see the fire and the brimstone and the agony ad infinitum. It was a horrific sight.
St. Peter then said, "Well? What do you think about that? Have anything like THAT down in Texas?"
The Texan replied, "No sir, we don't -- but I know a couple old boys down in Houston who will put that out for ya."
Trip To Texas
Prior to her trip to Texas, Virginia had confided to her sorority sisters that she had three goals for her trip the Lone Star State: she wanted to taste some real Texas barbecue, she wanted to take in a bona fide Texas rodeo, and she wanted to have sex with a Texan.
Upon her return, the sorority sisters were curious about how she had fared.
"Let me tell you," she said, "they have an indigenous bush down there called Mesquite, and when they slow-cook that brisket over that mesquite wood, wow! That beef not only melts in your mouth, the taste is beyond belief! And the men? I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes! These guys wrestle real, full-grown bulls like they do in Spain. Except they ride a horse at full gallop, throw a rope on these huge bulls, then jump off the horse and literally grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground and tie 'em up. And that's not all! It's a race! They ALL do it and only the fastest gets prize money!"
"Virginia! Come on, tell us! You said you wanted to make love to a Texan! What happened?"
"Well," Virginia said, "I'll admit, I was tempted, but when I was at the rodeo and saw the outline of the condoms in the back pocket of those Texans' jeans, I changed my mind!"
A journal of a Texas Summer
May 30th: Just moved to Texas. Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Trees and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.
June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th: The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? Too bad it's not a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th: Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though, got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20: I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and just as I opened the door she exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. No more pets in this heat!
July 25th: Dry #@*&$!% heat, my ass. Hot is hot!! The home air conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th: Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,500 in darn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
Aug 4th: 115 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman peed in my pool. I hate this #@*&$!% state.
Aug 8th: If another wise jerk cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to tear his #@*&$!% throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like a roasted #@*&$!% goat!!
Aug 10th: The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It's been too hot two #@*& darn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren darn desert?? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the #@*&$!% pool. Even a cactus can't live in this heat.
Aug 14th: Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the #@*&$!% windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.
Aug 30th: Worst day of the damn summer. I'm not leaving the house. The #@*&$!% monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with its new $500 windshield. That does it, we're moving back to California where all you have to worry about is earthquakes.