The Junker Presidency and the FC Debate

[Wyatt_Junker]

I am running for the President of the <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:pUnited States of America.</ST1:p</st1:country-region>
<O:p</O:p
The Junker team will be investing in a major multi-front PR blitz. You are all welcome to donate to the cause.
<O:p</O:p
Now is your chance to ask any questions of me, your candidate, for the highest office in the land. Fire away. You may ask me anything.
<O:p</O:p
But be forewarned, I am not a smart man but I have my share of convictions and I am very blunt. I do, however, want your criticism. So put me to the test. Show me if, at any point, I’m being impractical or how my solution will not work.
<O:p</O:p
Now, to kick off the dialogue, here are just a few of my bold promises to the American public that I guarantee you will transpire over the next 4 years of my term. (you may also ask me to expand on these)
<O:p</O:p
First, I will make a number of enemies in my bid and even after I assume the role of POTUS. But what I can absolutely guarantee you is the most amazing and soaring GDP as a historical percentage since the dawn of this country. It will positively skyrocket with successive double digit gains each of the next 4 years, one annual double digit increase after the next piggybacking onto each year into a total fiscal monster!
<O:p</O:p
How will I accomplish this? Well, I’m glad you asked. I am bold and beholden to no one. I will simply eliminate every tax that doesn’t go to the defense of this nation. If the tax can’t be used to justify American defense, then no tax. At the same time, I will raise military salaries by 3X in workable tiers of achievement based goal setting. At least potentially, people who join the military have the possibility of earning 3X as much in incentivized phases if they show promise. Everything else, the government will be backing out of entirely. Social Security will be immediately seized as an illegal ponzi scheme and a crime. The people over age 65 now may still collect. The people who are 55 will get a small remainder. People at age 45 will get hardly anything at all. Then, when they die, it is no longer a part of society. It is simply no more. We will grandfather in the death of SS. Hopefully, this will, at the same time strengthen family interdependencies. It will also, hopefully, encourage folks to invest their own money. If they don’t want to invest, they are SOOL.
<O:p</O:p
Medicare? It is gone. If you get sick. Sorry, but you may die from it. There are no guarantees in life. Oh yeah, good luck.
<O:p</O:p
The States are still open to play the coconut shuffling nanny if they so choose. <st1:State><ST1:pVermont</ST1:p</st1:State> can still be a little <ST1:pChinatown</ST1:p of dreamy yuppie feel goodism if it wants to. Most States I would encourage to keep a running tax tab on the books for firemen and police and road and levee maintenance. This is their decision. Not mine nor the Feds. If <st1:City><ST1:pNew Orleans</ST1:p</st1:City> sinks like Atlantis, oh well. You were warned.
<O:p</O:p
Also, there is no more public education. It is abolished. Gone. All that tax money goes back to parents. Let the free market go nuts. And let parents go shopping for schools.
<O:p</O:p
I will be in charge of minor cirricula though. I will have passed an English Only language bill. Businesses will not be allowed to conduct business in any other language inside these borders. They certainly can go international and do whatever the hell they want ‘over there’, but here businesses will be prohibited from cuing up ‘press one for ingles’ on their phone message machine. They will be fined heavily.
<O:p</O:p
And that brings me to illegals. Walls will be built on both the North and South borders. Fencehoppers caught in the act will be beaten and sent to jail without passing ‘go’. However, active participatory legal immigration will be highly encouraged. The only bar will be an English test, some history tests and some agreements to inject hard work and a spirit of selfless gratitude into the host country. They will not be eligible for any bennies and will be unable to free load because I have outlawed it. It doesn’t exist for anyone anyway.
<O:p</O:p
Torts. First, I will get rid of the BAR Assoc. as we know it. They are shysters who never rebuke their conmen. Lawyers who file frivolously will lose their license on a first proven offense. They will be unable to retrieve it, ever. Slip and fall artists will spend a long time in the greybar hotel. I will encourage the guards to beat them.
<O:p</O:p
Death penalty? You fry quickly and publicly after your conviction. Let me amend that. It’s a bit harsh. I’ll give you exactly 2 weeks, maybe 3 to have an appeal. If it has any merit, another trial in 6 months. Your only way to escape being fried(that’s right, we’re bringing back the chair) is to win friends and influence people(the jury) a second time around. There will be no maudlin exceptions here. The timeline will remain firm and intact.
<O:p</O:p
There will be no governmental regulations in the business world. Absolutely none. It will be somewhat like <ST1:pHong Kong</ST1:p. Total economic anarchy. No workers comp. No Federal minimum wage. If the states want to dilly dally in hand-holding exercises they may, but the Fed will remain completely non-hostile to businesses. No child labor laws. Let parents parent. We have CPS for shit like that. The entire OSHA dept. is fired. The entire EEOC is fired. The <st1:City><ST1:pADA</ST1:p</st1:City> is obliterated. FMLA is killed on contact. Businesses will be held to no real standard. Caveat Emptor bitches. There are no guarantees in life. God grants us none. Why should Papa Fed?
<O:p</O:p
Let real charity work. Let Churches again become storehouses of charity. As (small t) taxpayers now have a lot more choices(with school and more money; they only contribute a small sum to our military and defense) they can actually start being more freewheeling with their compassion. Let the Churches actually get into their vocation which is helping people, not the Fed. Don’t let the Fed rob them of their call. If you’re a good worker and you get laid off, go to Church. That’s what its for, at least its tertiary goal(helps and alms) right after the Gospel is preached and fellowship is maintained. Say hello to the new, more honest, welfare.
<O:p</O:p
Medical. You don’t have medical coverage? Sheesh. That’s too bad. Guess what? Neither does 95% of Africans. Neither does 90% of people of Thai descent. You know what? Eating is more important to those guys. That’s right. Just getting their stomach full. You will die quicker without food than you will by not having a paid-for health plan. Guess what <st1:country-region><ST1:pAmerica</ST1:p</st1:country-region>? Grow the hell up. Should we in <st1:country-region><ST1:pAmerica</ST1:p</st1:country-region> have food insurance? What about clothes insurance? Ugly insurance? A question: What exactly are Americans automatically owed? Everything? Every owie gets kissed? What kind of pansies are we, exactly?
<O:p</O:p
We aren’t owed anything. The only certainty we do have, for sure, is that someday if we are born, we will also die. That’s a for sure. I can guarantee you that. Bank on it.
<O:p</O:p
If God puts us into uncertain outcomes here on Earth, why should I, as a society, be any different and steal from disciplined, hard-working people to sieve that money back over to lazy, indifferent people with a hand out? Is that godly? Is that right? Is that what God would want us to do?
<O:p</O:p
As for the national debt, I will kill it probably in 1.5 years as now all the non-defense taxes will go immediately towards retiring it. After 2 years and no national debt, all non-defense taxes are sunsetted permanently.
<O:p</O:p
As for national emergencies like Katrina, there will be no one to blame any longer. The States will be the only one to tow the line. The Fed is getting out of the business entirely. FEMA is gone, completely. Oh yeah, and personal responsibility. Let’s talk about that. You can choose wherever the hell you want to live. Choose wisely, knowing there will be no one there to catch you if you crash and burn. Also, if you do decide to live in places like N.O., buy flood insurance, you dolts. Also, if you decide to live in hurricane country, buy hazard insurance that has an inclusive ‘act of God’ clause. You who live along the <ST1:pSan Andreas fault</ST1:p, buck up and buy hazard insurance. Buy fire insurance etc. etc. Everything will be privatized. I do mean everything.
<O:p</O:p
Anyway, that’s all I got for now but ask me anything you want before election day. You don’t want to vote for me based on a lack of knowledge about my positions. I didn’t do foreign policy. As my campaign unfolds, you may certainly ask me questions about that. I have nothing to hide.
<O:p</O:p
The MSM will not be on my side. I support hardcore FOS laws. Let them say whatever they want about me. I welcome it. But I am also very blunt and will slaughter them right back using those very same FOS laws. It will be fun belittling the press and I will use the 7 deadly, radio unfriendly words. I hope they have enough Pepcid AC to handle it.
<O:p</O:p
Now, ask me your questions, any questions you want. You, in the backrow, you first.
<O:p</O:p
<O:p</O:p
<O:p</O:p

[Wyatt_Junker]

Also, I want to promise you that the nation's unemployment will go sub 4 percent in my first year, perhaps under 3 in my second.

How?

I will kill unemployment benefits. In fact, the first thing I will do in office is fire the EDD. Now you will have to go out job hunting or open your own bizz. Heck, I don't know, mow lawns, paint fences, hustle hustle hustle.

If someone is truly on the rocks, there will be Churches that I will encourage to follow their calling and help them out. I will not in any way incentivize them to do so, but I will call on all Churches to become real Churches and handle those problems.

Let them discern the real from the fake cases. Not the Fed. And not you, Mr. Taxpayer.

[DoctorDoom]

Allow me to be the first to announce that you will have my 2008 vote. If you need a Secretary of Offense, let me know.

[HomeschoolrsRUs]

<O:p</O:p
Also, there is no more public education. It is abolished. Gone. All that tax money goes back to parents. Let the free market go nuts. And let parents go shopping for schools. <O:p</O:p
<O:p</O:p
<O:p</O:p


So far, so good, and as of right now, you have my vote as well. As for a position in your Administration, I could be Secretary ... of, well the Administration. I'm just a really good secretary (or I was, when I was in the private sector and not homeschooling my children, :smirky: ).

[ducktapehero]

From what you've said so far I pretty much agree with ya. The Fedgov should be concerned with national defense and little else. Maybe the interstate system but that's it. You said plenty about Federal taxes but what about Federal laws? Gun control, abortion, drug war, discrimination laws, marraige(gay and otherwise).

[BuckeyeMike]

Hey, Junks ...whut ya gonna due about foreign aid? There's a boatload o' sheckles for ya. Position?................hmmmmmmm.........MISSIONA RY for starters!

[Peachdiane]

And if you need a real good photo-op you are welcome to use any of our cute kiddies. :D

[Wyatt_Junker]

A Sec. of Offense? Hmmm. I like the sound of that. 'Defense' is like apologetics, a posture of backpedaling. Screw backpedaling. I want to dive right in and kick a lot of foreign ass 'over there' and I want to do it unapologetically.

You got the top slot on the S.O., Doctor.

Homes, you can be a part of the support staff. I will rely on you for my daily briefing. I start early. 6AM ... sharp.

And Ducktape, as far as Federal Laws, I will have to look at them specifically. I can't make general statements without knowing specifics although I can tell you right now that abortion would be stopped immediately as it is an assault on humanity. If mothers decide to go underground and clotheshanger themselves, fine. If they die while trying to rub out their baby, then fine. Life's a bitch. They need dying.

As far as the W.O.D., its a fallacy. If people want to do drugs, if they hurt anyone else in the process, as in a Doowie, they will fry. In fact, I will fry them myself. The ones who become addicted, I welcome them to do so for I want to know who these idiots are so that I can implement my internment camps for addicts. They will go to camps cordoned off by loads of winding cocertina wire. I will even bring them the drugs so as to kill them off faster. Drug addiction is the pussy's way of committing suicide. It is slow and arduous. I want to help them die quicker.

As far as gun control, there will be no control. We're only talking about guns. I can go into Home Depot and buy tools that can nearly as effectively end human life. I will conduct background checks to see if there is a criminal past, however. There probably won't be. The criminals don't do well in the Junker jails.

Discrimination laws? Ha. They're gone. Every last one of them. If someone wants to discriminate, let them, whether they be a landlord or an employer. Go work for someone else who isn't a bigoted dipshit like them. Problem solved. The only thing worse than a bigot is a whiner who thinks everyone is a bigot. Get over it and get on with your life.

Poofters? If they want to cornhole the chocolatey shaft, I don't care. As for laws, they can't get married however. They can dress up like clowns if they so desire. We all need a good laugh every once in awhile. Let them run around like the lil' ballerinas they are. But they can't be a part of society for I will require an investment into the host nation for I need procreative human labor and talent in order to feed the war machine and industry. I will reward parents with incentives since parenting is hell and is not easy.

Foreign aid? It is gone. Completely.

And Peach, your kids will be used hopefully at a rate we both can find agreeable. The country needs to know I care.

[ducktapehero]

A Sec. of Offense? Hmmm. I like the sound of that. 'Defense' is like apologeticsI think the dept of defense should be renamed "The dept of pain"

[Pendragon_6]

Aw, no chicken in every pot? :grin:

[Wyatt_Junker]

No chicken and not even a pot. No acres and no mules. No 'hand' and no 'out'. Just rigid and unforgiving responsiblity. It may take an entire generation to die off before it transforms into an awareness of 'refreshing' responsibility, but I'm willing to wait for the tide to turn on their corpses.

As far as a Dept. of Pain.

I'm down.

[Beowulf]

I'm trying to figure out where I would fit in this administration.
Since I'm sure Wyatt will do away with the U.N, I can't be ambassador there.
Wyatt, I'm sure you can fit my skills and the like in somewhere.

I like your picks so far!

[Wyatt_Junker]

I'm trying to figure out where I would fit in this administration.
Since I'm sure Wyatt will do away with the U.N, I can't be ambassador there.
Wyatt, I'm sure you can fit my skills and the like in somewhere.

I like your picks so far!

I will use you to be in charge of maintenance, Airforce One. You will be paid very well, my friend. Since I am the CIC, you are also automatically a part of my defense staff.

And you are correct about the UN. All funding will stop the moment I put my right hand on the Bible at my inauguration. The next step will be the eviction process. The building may be turned into a hotel. I have not yet decided. Perhaps I will just put it up for open bid and let investors tear it apart like vultures picking at a carcass.

[Elgalad]

You've got my vote as well, Wyatt! :thumb:

And I would also at this time, like to submit my application for Secretary of State in your Administration..

It's clear that you need someone to represent you on the foreign stage and to carry the

http://img202.imageshack.us/img202/3536/cluebat0vd.jpg
(formerly known as the Big Stick)

when engaging foreign po-ten-tates and dick-taters. Nothing would thrill me more than to share tea and cakes with such colorful individuals as Kim Jong-Il, Hugo Chavez, and Bashar al-Assad. And I can make personal assurances and guarantees that should any of these, or any other 'international problem children' make a point to impede the progress of your visionary administration either overtly or covertly, they will soon find themselves on the receiving end of Hard Justice and in dire need of several boxes of extra-absorbent Huggies.

Oh, we may have a minor war or two, here or there.. but such things are unavoidable. And besides, once we teach the right sorts of lessons to a few wayward souls, the rest will fall into line. Or else.

The important thing to remember is that history is Only written by the successful. With You at the helm of the great ship America, there can be no question that We, your loyal crew and passengers, will be its authors.

Now aside from my demonstrated ability to be a warmonger, a jingoistic nationalist, a pompous blowhard, and a spectactular kiss-ass, I would like to add some references and background pertinent to the job I am seeking.


1) I am fluent in only one language; American English. But I do have the facility for obscenities and cuss-words in over 10 other languages! I even know what half of those mean. :smirky:

2) I've visited several other countries in my life, including Tijuana and Ackypolco, the Maple Leaf place, Sushi/Neonlight Land, and New York City. I learned the customs and behavior of the peoples in those foreign lands and made it a point to be as brazenly American as I could be to show my poor hosts how much their culture was lacking in content and style when compared to the good old U.S. of A. :patriot:

3) A history professor in high school once gave me a passing grade on an exam when I successfully remembered which continent America is located on. :question:

4) I once won a computer game of Civilization 3 by completing my spaceship and sending it to Alpha Centauri in the year 1110 A.D.! This clearly demonstrates my incredible diplomacy and foreign policy skills as well as my flair for strategic planning. http://gprime.net/board/images/smilies/mf_napoleon.gif

5) I am available for bachelor parties and bar-mitzvahs I have my own source for office supplies and won't allow the State Department to unduly call 555-7340, ask for Cupcake the Clown burden the American taxpayers with unnecessary funding requests. http://gprime.net/board/images/smilies/vertag.gif

6. I'm a snappy dresser and learned all my dance moves from 80's music videos. These mad skills will allow me to charm many a foreign dignitary and lull them into revealing all of their nation's best-kept secrets.:cool:

7. I like pie (http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/pie.htm). http://www.weebls-stuff.com/forums/images/smilies/pie.gif

Personal and Professional References:

Tyrone Lewis, Illinois State Penitentiary, Joliet, Illinois. (former co-worker): "Elgalad gots the @%&* slick moves, alright. We was partners back in the day, and I'd run the girls and product, E would handle the front-end you know, the rough stuff with the competition. Never did see noone could lay the jive so thick on a **#$(. We'da gone bigtime if that &#&$-@%&*@ hadn't a sold me out, @$*$(@)%) &*#$(* ?!@#!!

Sirius Coltrane, 12th street alley between Jackson and Madison Avenues. (professional mentor): "Who? Wha? Hey, Mister, you got a five? I ain't ate all week.. What you sayin' bout egg salad, you got some change or what?"

Millicent Carlson, Semiphore Springs, Kentucky. (Political Science Professor): "You've reached 1-900-Love-Chat, please give me your credit card number to speak with.. oh, who? oh, uh, one sec here..............Yes, this is Doctor Millicent Carlson. Elgalad? Why.. yes, what a bright young student he was. He left such an impression on.. (sound of shuffling papers).. and his brilliant summary of the cause and effect of post-recessionary budgetary spending on the natives of Swaziland was nothing short of Genius! I wish that I had more (background voice, "Milly, you got 3 calls waiting, get the damned card number and move on!") students like him..

Further references available upon request.


In conclusion, Mr. Junker, I would just like to say that if you tap me to head up your foreign affairs strategy, I will endeavour always to learn how to spell words like endeavor in the correct, American way, and not as our silly Eurotrash cousins do. Even if and when they bribe me to do so.

And uh, if you already found someone for State, I'll take NSA..

Or Treasury (licking lips)..



-Elgalad

[Large_Al]

"The only thing worse than a bigot is a whiner who thinks everyone is a bigot. Get over it and get on with your life."

Gosh I wish I said that!!

You got my Vote.

I'd like to put in for the position of White House Spokesmen.
I find the way they do it now is pretty lame. I could get the press in line with your Administration really fast. I'd make a pair of Alligator skin boots (but not as smooth) out of Helen Thomas and every time some "Jerk" like David Gregory repeats a question that we already answered I'd make him have to put on the boots and a Billy Ray Cyrus Mullet wig and line dance to Achy Breaky Heart.

If they act openly hostel to me or the administration I would make them do what my first grade Nun used to make us do. I make them stand in front of the press room in a waste paper basket with their chewing gum on their noses till after the news briefing and then call their parents.
Then they'll have to live their life with no self-esteem either. Ops I've said to much.

Please consider me...

[HomeschoolrsRUs]

Elgalad, Large Al --

:hahaha: http://www.freeconservatives.com/vb/images/icons/biglaugh.gif:hahaha:

You'se guys is da BOMB! http://www.freeconservatives.com/vb/images/icons/biggrin.gif

(El, what's with the "pie," bro? :smirky: )

[Wyatt_Junker]

Wow.

I see my posse is growing. I like what I'm reading here. I especially enjoy the enthusiasm, the creativity, the seething passion for change. There is a real hunger here to just get it fully on, to don the knickers and the puffy shirt and the mukluks and go to war.

But how will I let anyone know 'out there' that I'm not joking? That I really do want to do everything I said, implementing it, without looking like a rerun of the Walley Show or Morton Downey? I want to fire up another Boston Tea Party but this time, no tea. Coffee maybe. Starbucks perhaps. Maybe caviar. Or tuna. Just go into a grocery store with a can opener and start opening up cans and leaving them all over, chucking them over my shoulder as I go.

Nah. That's dumb.

Okay, back to the Official Cabinet. Egalad, you got it. You're on. And Big A, I want you to fire up the press corps daily. David Gregory will be your first victim. Have him put on the assless chaps and the ten gallon lid. Then go do some Billy Ray is gay on prime time. I know I look real gay and shit when I do it.

Anyway, let's do this. Everyone's hired.

[Faithful_Servant]

Can I be the head of the EPA? I know that you said that these kinds of depts. would be dissolved, but someone needs to be in charge of cutting down the tree-sitters and arranging for the knee-capping of various eco-nuts who like to spike trees, burn logging trucks and ruin my forests. The job would be self-eliminating by definition. I figure after the first couple of dozen tree-huggers are placed in wheel chairs for life and then used as shopping carts at Wal-Mart in order to pay the bills, my job will be done.

[HomeschoolrsRUs]

Hey Junkman, SOMEBODY want's to give you a run for your money, :smirky:

My bid for the United States Presidency by Mike S. Adams - Mar 2, 2006 (http://www.townhall.com/opinion/columns/mikeadams/2006/03/02/188353.html)

On Tuesday, March 7th at Auburn University, I will make an important public announcement. From behind a podium in Room 217 in the Foy Student Union, around 7:30 CST, I will announce my intention to run - as a Republican, of course - for the Office of President of the United States of America.

The following night - on March 8th at 5 Seasons Brewery in Atlanta, GA - I will formally kick off my campaign with a more detailed speech around 7pm EST. In these speeches, I plan to outline my vision for America – a vision that should propel us into a future where the three evils of socialism, terrorism, and feminism will soon become relics of the past.

The most ambitious aspect of my presidency will be a drastic reduction in the size of the federal government. In my first term, I plan to eliminate all of the following government agencies:

[UnkHiram]

I want to apply for Secretary of Defense, Cause I am deffinately in the mood to make war not peace.

[Melz]

Can I apply for just being a groupie (not the fish, no not that)??? I have nothing more to offer such a wonderful candidate.

You perhaps need someone to write speeches though? May I suggest Laz for that?? He says the greatest things. And Unk can help with publicity and lobbying, he has the inside track on some things! He has connections.

I vote for Wyatt!

(can I get one of those stickers now, I already voted and usually my November is so filled up. I was proactive. Gimme an "I voted today" sticker)

[Wyatt_Junker]

Can I be the head of the EPA? I know that you said that these kinds of depts. would be dissolved, but someone needs to be in charge of cutting down the tree-sitters and arranging for the knee-capping of various eco-nuts who like to spike trees, burn logging trucks and ruin my forests. The job would be self-eliminating by definition. I figure after the first couple of dozen tree-huggers are placed in wheel chairs for life and then used as shopping carts at Wal-Mart in order to pay the bills, my job will be done.

You know when the royalty knights someone with the flat of their sword? It is a very solemn occassion.

I will knight you into the EPA using the tip of a 24 inch Husqvarna. You will drink gasoline and piss fire. First thing on the agenda; kill Smokey Bear.

[Wyatt_Junker]

Hey Junkman, SOMEBODY want's to give you a run for your money, :smirky:

My bid for the United States Presidency by Mike S. Adams - Mar 2, 2006 (http://www.townhall.com/opinion/columns/mikeadams/2006/03/02/188353.html)



Strange that he would announce his bid for POTUS on the very next day of my annoucing my bid. As much as I like him, I don't know if I can trust him anymore. This was my idea, not his.

Maybe I can work him over in the primaries, appeal to the base and wipe him out. I will have to see what kind of dirt I can find on this guy. Sheesh. He only gives me one day to reveal my platform before he totally plagiarizes it. The man has no shame.

[Wyatt_Junker]

I want to apply for Secretary of Defense, Cause I am deffinately in the mood to make war not peace.

Doc's got you beat, but I will see if I can't get you onto the final planning commission on which countries we will take out first. I want your full confidentiality on this. You will wear a bracelet with a cyanide capsule hidden within it. You must take it if you are captured. I added a bit of Nutra Sweet to the capsule in order to make it more palatable. Don't worry, when the time comes, you will feel no pain. Remember, you are doing this for your country.

In the meantime, PM me with a comprehensive list of countries that you want to punk in the order of their punking. I will have to run this list by my Dept. of Pain first. If Doom raises his mailed fist with glee in the conference room upon reading your suggestions, you will have passed the first test. But he is very busy as of late re-attaching the laser beams to the sharks' heads. I will see if I can arrange a meeting regardless.

[Elgalad]

Bah, he's a Mikey come lately. I think we can easily sweep him in the primaries. We'll capitalize on his name similarity to that Presidential Pimp, John Quincy Adams and see if we can get folks to associate him with that bad Madonna video, you know, the one where she had the MuFF DaDDY license plate? We do a morph shot, clip that, then do a quick trans over to the video of her latest video on the killing spree with the old lady.. total bait and switch, it'll leave the potential voters seeing the name Mike Adams and hearing, "Don't cry for me Argentina"... she'll be.. er, he'll be toast. :evilgrin:

I'm already putting together some packs of young Repub canvassers for the Iowa Caucuses. Going down to Des Moines this weekend to brainstorm with the kids on the State Fair booth and BBQ pit we'll have set up. It'd be good if we can fit you out in an appropriate apron when you show up to dish out the sizzlin' meat. I was thinking something along the lines of.. "Kiss the Ch I ef" (with a large bloodshot eye in the place of the 'I' there. Sorta like Sauron's unblinking orb from that Lord of the Rings movie. We could even put some orange and black flames shooting out from it. Good tie in as well for the action figures. hmm..

This is all advanced planning of course, so if you want to make changes or add-ins, we have loads of time left to finalize. I'm thinking.. get your name out there and in folks' minds during this off-year election (2006) and we'll have a jump on any other potential contenders that come along. I'll send you a brief next week.

Let's do this, Boss.

:patriot:


-Elgalad

[Wyatt_Junker]

Can I apply for just being a groupie (not the fish, no not that)??? I have nothing more to offer such a wonderful candidate.

You perhaps need someone to write speeches though? May I suggest Laz for that?? He says the greatest things. And Unk can help with publicity and lobbying, he has the inside track on some things! He has connections.

I vote for Wyatt!

(can I get one of those stickers now, I already voted and usually my November is so filled up. I was proactive. Gimme an "I voted today" sticker)

Groupies are good. If nothing else, they make excellent eye candy. :evilgrin:

But, I must warn you. I have many many groupies already. I have arranged for them to bulldoze the White House. I have no need for the pomp and circumstance of such ridiculous architecture. There, my groupies will have camped out, in the rubble of what once was. They will tailgate for 4 years straight inebriated on the high of my election victory.

I will live in an Aerostream(that's how I roll), which will be towed across the country. I will be on constant tour along with the Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile and the Commodores. I will make speeches at small venues mostly like Taco Barns and Burger King. I want to just bust it with my peeps.

Sorry, there will be no scripts though. I prefer to riff straight from the nougat-filled center of goldeny delicious yummy yum yum diddly 'dacious goodness. I like to lather on the impromtu action like Kobe did when he got hisself into all that trouble, with one part Banana Boat lotion and 2 parts Penzoil. Scripts are like the white guy trying to do the robot dance at an urban Bar Mitzvah Rap-A-Thon. Even E-40 would stop the show and tell the man to stop, just stop and take the mahogony outta his ass.

I prefer to bring the shit straight up like a boulemic at an all-you-can-scarf or like a fire hydrant kicked over by a drunk driver, just a 40 foot spray of attitude and chaos and wonderful truth raining down on the heads of all the bystanders. I don't do 3X5's. I just bring it. Besides, why would I use a Peggy Noonan on Cliff Notes (like Bush 1) to translate my message? Its like watered down beer.

[Wyatt_Junker]

Bah, he's a Mikey come lately. I think we can easily sweep him in the primaries. We'll capitalize on his name similarity to that Presidential Pimp, John Quincy Adams and see if we can get folks to associate him with that bad Madonna video, you know, the one where she had the MuFF DaDDY license plate? We do a morph shot, clip that, then do a quick trans over to the video of her latest video on the killing spree with the old lady.. total bait and switch, it'll leave the potential voters seeing the name Mike Adams and hearing, "Don't cry for me Argentina"... she'll be.. er, he'll be toast. :evilgrin:



I like your style, Eazy E.

Mike's no doubt a very real threat, but I can already a hear a scandal in the making. McCain got wurked by Bush 2's machine. I think we can shitcan this guy using similar restraint.

[JNSmith]

I want something in the State Department, or whatever exists in its place. Doom (et al) like to fire on people, and I want to make sure they have targets.

[UnkHiram]

My First suggestion on who to attack would be the Social Security Administration, Then Medicare, Then Medicade, Then the idiots that determine who is eligible and who is not. Then lets round up all the scumbags that run Nursing Homes and force them to watch Slim Whitman video's, after a few hours they will beg to be shot.

[Beowulf]

I will use you to be in charge of maintenance, Airforce One. You will be paid very well, my friend. Since I am the CIC, you are also automatically a part of my defense staff.

And you are correct about the UN. All funding will stop the moment I put my right hand on the Bible at my inauguration. The next step will be the eviction process. The building may be turned into a hotel. I have not yet decided. Perhaps I will just put it up for open bid and let investors tear it apart like vultures picking at a carcass.

And I will take very good care of AF1 and am doubly honored to be on the defense staff. I'll just need to load up on specialty tools. Hey, I'm a mechanic, I can never have enough!:grin:
Let me know if there are any personal extras you need added aboard. (shake machine, exercise area, etc)

[Riverboat]

Got a lot of talking points there to work with. More than Bill O'Reilly on speed. It's raw material. Stuff you could build an edifice with on a neo-modernist scale - pure lines, concrete, steel and glass with the angularity of elbows at the Come-and-Get-It-Salvation-Army-Buffet-For-the-Down-and-Out-Homeless.

But I'm not throwing my beret in the ring with the dude's porkpie hat until I'm guaranteed the slot in the Department of Education. I've got three years to go at the public trough to get my pension, and I aim to build a bridge to future with all the styrofoam coffee cups in the teachers' lounge. After that, I want to be on the bridge as I fire the cannons on the ships of Commerce, Energy, Transportation, Interior, Exterior and Posterior, et al.

For the biggest et al of all, namely, Homeland Security, I have a special fate. The outgoing chairman shall be lashed to the mast to listen to the Siren song of Cheap Mexican Labor while sailing through the Scylla and Charybdis we call the Persian Gulf as the Muezzenin calls the Mooselem Faithful to stick their asses up the air on the prayer rugs imported from the the People's Republic of Knobby Fingers and Really Wide-Brimmed Rice Farmer Hats.

As long as I'm in the game, I'm going to have to insist on a height requirement. All the porcelein pissers in the White House will be raised to Pre-ADA standards. We just can't take any chances on allowing more midgets like Donna Shalala or Robert Reich into places where adults are making responsible decisions. While we're at it, all the tops of doorways will be rigged with combustible explosives on Waco-level strength to deter Janet Reno from sneaking in undetected.

The Justice Department will abolish lethal injections. Old Sparky will be revived, but the favored method of execution shall be the noose. The squeamish will be allowed smelling salts, but if you konk your head on a table on your way to the floor, you're on your own.

On that note, I hereby declare my chad is hanging for Junker, the ur-enchilada of all that is sacred and good for our foundering republic.

[Wyatt_Junker]

That's some good stuff there Boat and I will take it all under advisement.

I especially liked this.



As long as I'm in the game, I'm going to have to insist on a height requirement. All the porcelein pissers in the White House will be raised to Pre-ADA standards. We just can't take any chances on allowing more midgets like Donna Shalala or Robert Reich into places where adults are making responsible decisions. While we're at it, all the tops of doorways will be rigged with combustible explosives on Waco-level strength to deter Janet Reno from sneaking in undetected.

The Justice Department will abolish lethal injections. Old Sparky will be revived, but the favored method of execution shall be the noose. The squeamish will be allowed smelling salts, but if you konk your head on a table on your way to the floor, you're on your own.



I'm sensing the Great Books requirement and Western Civ. lit.(thanks to Harold Bloom's defense) is nearly subliminal with you at this fine point in your career as you are literally seething with it(in a good way), adopting it into policy decisions that I will happily employ.

Don't worry about the pension. Yer covered.

[Riverboat]

I'm sensing the Great Books requirement and Western Civ. lit.(thanks to Harold Bloom's defense) is nearly subliminal with you at this fine point in your career as you are literally seething with it (in a good way), adopting it into policy decisions that I will happily employ.
Nearly. I can weave in allusions of every sort into confrontations have with public school adminners and other folks. Unfortunately, I seem to be the only one in on the joke.

I was sorta thinking we'd require future presidents to be able to write Latin with one hand and Greek with the other simultaneously. That would leave us with Jefferson and Garfield as your models. The former's record has been abused by both parties, and I'm kinda shaky on the latter. For now, I'll accept one who has actually heard of Cicero, let alone one who has read any of his orations.

Thanks for the pension guarantee. I promise not to squander it on hair weaves or hookers.

[Wyatt_Junker]

If yer gonna git x-10-shuns and you want cornrows for the street cred, make sure you do it like Latrell. I know how you are Boat. Always trying to one-up the lunchlady, the principal and the school's eeire landscaper you thought was putting hitchikers under his doublewide. And always remember, if they pull it too tight when they pull them rows, it will make you involuntarily smile as it compromises the facial muscles. This is what I call the insane gangsta look, smiling like the Joker while looking like Bo Derek in 10.

Might I suggest a gold incisor instead of the extensions? Its less of a hassle. You can stud it out with an onyx stone or inscribe an ace of spades. We're talking the real pimpjuice. And at Open House and the Parent-Teacher Conference, the mothers will think you are absolutely adorable.

[Rhino]

Will you use your avatar pic on your campaign posters?

[Riverboat]

If you ask me, this thread belongs in the Elections Forum. Shall I start a petition?

[CzechPrince]

Wyatt, you know I am an economic anarchist. I can also speak fluent English, Czech, and Russian, and in 2 years I will have a degree from a pretty bad ass university. Would you want a spot for me somewhere sir?

[Elgalad]

Hey Boss, I realize this is sorta puttin' the cart ahead of the horse, but..

I'm in the process right now of working out a land grab DEAL with a neighbor of ours. I just know you're gonna love it. If this works, we'll need never fear another beer OIL shortage again.. I'll give you all the details on Friday when I get back from carousing with the Canucks MY FACT FINDING JUNKET TO OTTAWA.

On a side note, when can I hire a new wench SECRETARY? I'm running out of white-out here and I can't figure out how to get this damned old-fashioned typewriter to work right.. The ribbon was going dry sotriA@#$@# drop a color cartridge in it and it !@$o%( exploded all over the metal doohickeys but the ribbon'..... .. ...ll . ng. ..


Regards,
-Elgalad

[Faithful_Servant]

You know when the royalty knights someone with the flat of their sword? It is a very solemn occassion.

I will knight you into the EPA using the tip of a 24 inch Husqvarna. You will drink gasoline and piss fire. First thing on the agenda; kill Smokey Bear.

Consider it done. Do you want the pelt or can I keep it and wear it like a cape when I 'negotiate' with the tree-sitters?

[Bluemoon_Rising]

Junker in '08! I want the State Department job; just give me four years with it.

[MSGT]

I want to apply for Secretary of Defense, Cause I am deffinately in the mood to make war not peace.Joint Chiefs

[Antigone]

Wyatt-

I would just love to be your Chief of Protocol. I'd put Martha Stewart to shame in the planning of fancy "swah-rees" :dancers: . As far as organizing swearing-in ceremonies well, I can swear pretty darn good if I try real hard! :D

And as far as suggesting Presidential gifts and taking care of the one's you receive..........what else are women for but shopping and cataloging all the things we buy and give when done with said shopping. :gift:

Then of course there is the arrangements for foreign press who accompany the visiting dignitaries. I'm sure I can handle that with no problem! :peefrance: