Gonzo67
05-31-2006, 01:27 PM
Thank you for your interest in the position of "Red Shirt Ensign" aboard the USS Enterprise, NCC-1701.
Due to our high turnover rate, we have many spots to fill, so frivolous and illogical applications will not be tolerated. Answer all questions to the best of your ability. Good luck, and may The Force be with you... oops... wrong movie.
A: Gender?
Male
Female
Undetermined
Neither
Both(If the answer is 5 skip to question S)
B: Why do you want to join the crew of The Enterprise?
I want to serve with the bes crew in Starfleet.
I want to boldly go where no man has gone before.
I want to seek out strange new worlds.
I have lost the will to live.C: Which of the following physical descriptions most accurately describes you?
Thick-necked, dumb looking white guy.
Middle aged dough-bellied white guy.
Too sexy for my shirt.
White guy, with unfortunate bulls-eye shaped birth mark on forehead.D: If you are asked to join a landing party with Captain kirk, D. McCoy, and Mr. Spock, you would:
Jump for joy.
Call your parents and tell them you've "finally made it".
Cry like a little girl.
Record a holographic and touching personal goodbye message for each member of your immediate family knowing you'll never see them again.E: What would you consider to be your main asset as a "Red Shirt"?
Can-do attitude.
A good set of lungs.
Ability to hold your tattered mini-skirt together with one hand.
Will emit sweet fragrance of daisies when vaporized.F: What color uniform would you PREFER if you were accepted to StarFleet?
Gold.
Blue.
White.
Red, like my gushing blood spilling out over the rocks of a strange alien world, clouding my vision as I gasp my last, dying breath.G: During an away mission, you are asked by your commander to split up. Which of the following would you head to?
The peaceful meadow of love and harmony.
The never ending beer geyser of Vulcan.
The island of bikini clad vixens (with the Captain).
The fiery temple of painful Red Shirt death.H: How would you like to die?
In your home, surrounded by your friends and family.
After traveling back to 1986 and saving a whale.
While heroically defending your captain, crew and ship.
By being turned into a small white cube.I: What is the right time to die?
As a very, very old man.
In the middle of sex.
8:30 pm Sharp!
Before the first commercial break.J: If you were exploring by yourself, and found something unusual, you would:
Back away cautiously.
Take a tricorder reading.
Alert your commanding officer with your communicator.
Scream at the top of your lungs, "CAPTAIN! I FOUND SOMETH...AAARRGGGHHHH!"; and proceed to die horribly.K: In the unfortunate, extremely unlikely event of your death, how would you expect your crew-mates to react?
A formal dress funeral.
Scotty playing bagpipes.
Being shot out of the torpedo tube into deep space.
A quick, sideways glance.L: Who is your personal hero?
Captain Kirk.
DeForest Kelly
Kenny from "South Park"
A small white cube.M: What do you see in the following ink-blot?
http://webpages.charter.net/gonzo367/inkblot.gif
A sad clown.
Dogs playing poker.
A kitten hanging from a tree branch, with the caption, "Hang in there baby".
The devil and a sure indication of your coming demise.N: What should the setting on your phaser be?:
Goo-ify.
Extra crispy.
Caressing breeze.
We were supposed to get phasers?O: In the heat of battle, you'd most like your crew-mates to:
Fight to the death to save my life.
Help me escape back to the ship at any cost.
Say to the enemy, "Take me instead!".
Stand around and watch slack-jawed, as I'm reduced to a small, white cube.P: Your parent's reaction to your decision to apply for a "Red Shirt" is:
Beaming pride.
Bragging to friends and relatives.
Preparing your will.
Have anther child to replace you.Q: What is too much pain to bear?
Getting a paper cut.
A Vulcan nerve pinch.
Having an alien suck away all your sodium, causing every cell in your body to implode.
As a small, white cube I will feel no pain.R: Which rug is mos realistic?
Kirk.
Chekov.
Picard.
Tribble.S: Look at the following picture:
http://webpages.charter.net/gonzo367/kirk.jpg
What feelings does this man elicit?
Intense loyalty and patriotism.
Pride and admiration.
Mild disgust.
Intense horniness.(Women, if your answer was anything but #4, please turn in your application now. You are done here.)
T: What is your StarFleet career goal?
To climb the ranks all the way to Admiral-ship, after a long and distinguished career.
To orbit the Genesis planet in a space-coffin.
To abuse the "Red Shirts" under your own command.
To be turned into a small, white cube.
Due to our high turnover rate, we have many spots to fill, so frivolous and illogical applications will not be tolerated. Answer all questions to the best of your ability. Good luck, and may The Force be with you... oops... wrong movie.
A: Gender?
Male
Female
Undetermined
Neither
Both(If the answer is 5 skip to question S)
B: Why do you want to join the crew of The Enterprise?
I want to serve with the bes crew in Starfleet.
I want to boldly go where no man has gone before.
I want to seek out strange new worlds.
I have lost the will to live.C: Which of the following physical descriptions most accurately describes you?
Thick-necked, dumb looking white guy.
Middle aged dough-bellied white guy.
Too sexy for my shirt.
White guy, with unfortunate bulls-eye shaped birth mark on forehead.D: If you are asked to join a landing party with Captain kirk, D. McCoy, and Mr. Spock, you would:
Jump for joy.
Call your parents and tell them you've "finally made it".
Cry like a little girl.
Record a holographic and touching personal goodbye message for each member of your immediate family knowing you'll never see them again.E: What would you consider to be your main asset as a "Red Shirt"?
Can-do attitude.
A good set of lungs.
Ability to hold your tattered mini-skirt together with one hand.
Will emit sweet fragrance of daisies when vaporized.F: What color uniform would you PREFER if you were accepted to StarFleet?
Gold.
Blue.
White.
Red, like my gushing blood spilling out over the rocks of a strange alien world, clouding my vision as I gasp my last, dying breath.G: During an away mission, you are asked by your commander to split up. Which of the following would you head to?
The peaceful meadow of love and harmony.
The never ending beer geyser of Vulcan.
The island of bikini clad vixens (with the Captain).
The fiery temple of painful Red Shirt death.H: How would you like to die?
In your home, surrounded by your friends and family.
After traveling back to 1986 and saving a whale.
While heroically defending your captain, crew and ship.
By being turned into a small white cube.I: What is the right time to die?
As a very, very old man.
In the middle of sex.
8:30 pm Sharp!
Before the first commercial break.J: If you were exploring by yourself, and found something unusual, you would:
Back away cautiously.
Take a tricorder reading.
Alert your commanding officer with your communicator.
Scream at the top of your lungs, "CAPTAIN! I FOUND SOMETH...AAARRGGGHHHH!"; and proceed to die horribly.K: In the unfortunate, extremely unlikely event of your death, how would you expect your crew-mates to react?
A formal dress funeral.
Scotty playing bagpipes.
Being shot out of the torpedo tube into deep space.
A quick, sideways glance.L: Who is your personal hero?
Captain Kirk.
DeForest Kelly
Kenny from "South Park"
A small white cube.M: What do you see in the following ink-blot?
http://webpages.charter.net/gonzo367/inkblot.gif
A sad clown.
Dogs playing poker.
A kitten hanging from a tree branch, with the caption, "Hang in there baby".
The devil and a sure indication of your coming demise.N: What should the setting on your phaser be?:
Goo-ify.
Extra crispy.
Caressing breeze.
We were supposed to get phasers?O: In the heat of battle, you'd most like your crew-mates to:
Fight to the death to save my life.
Help me escape back to the ship at any cost.
Say to the enemy, "Take me instead!".
Stand around and watch slack-jawed, as I'm reduced to a small, white cube.P: Your parent's reaction to your decision to apply for a "Red Shirt" is:
Beaming pride.
Bragging to friends and relatives.
Preparing your will.
Have anther child to replace you.Q: What is too much pain to bear?
Getting a paper cut.
A Vulcan nerve pinch.
Having an alien suck away all your sodium, causing every cell in your body to implode.
As a small, white cube I will feel no pain.R: Which rug is mos realistic?
Kirk.
Chekov.
Picard.
Tribble.S: Look at the following picture:
http://webpages.charter.net/gonzo367/kirk.jpg
What feelings does this man elicit?
Intense loyalty and patriotism.
Pride and admiration.
Mild disgust.
Intense horniness.(Women, if your answer was anything but #4, please turn in your application now. You are done here.)
T: What is your StarFleet career goal?
To climb the ranks all the way to Admiral-ship, after a long and distinguished career.
To orbit the Genesis planet in a space-coffin.
To abuse the "Red Shirts" under your own command.
To be turned into a small, white cube.