My Cousin Ran Away: I need advice on how to deal with her.

[PrezLeefun]

She sneaked out of her house in the middle of night.
Her mother is sick and she has moved in with her boyfriend /"fiance".
My auntie was under the impression that she had given up on the idea of moving in with him.
They obviously planned this for weeks.

To give you an idea on how disrepesctful this guy has been other than obviously disobeying the wishes of her parents...

1. They have known him since he was a kid.
2. When his abusive parents kicked him out in his senior year of highschool they let him live in their home until he graduated.
3. They helped him find housing when he was able to move out.

He has been welcomed in every member's houshold of this family. No one was ever against their relationship until now.
Just last week he was invited to our family's Thanks giving dinner.

If he had respect he would have told my cousin they needed to wait. But he didn't. He hired a moving van to come early this morning around 3 or 4 to move all her furnitiure out of the room and sneak out of the house.

They are only 18 years old. He has no family to go to. And my cousin has now seperated herself from our family.

I know I need to say something. I am now truly scared about their behavior. My cousin is being selfish and foolish and is thinking she has done a romantic thing by sticking by his side. He is now, in my eyes no longer my friend but manipulative and disrespectful and scheming and helping to build a divide between her and our family.

What should I say to make her listen and understand me instead of driving her away.

[PrezLeefun]

BUMP!

[Jim Sentry]

Sorry to hear of your troubles. She needs to get with whoever she trusts and could be considered a neutral third party.

Can she talk with a local preacher?

[PrezLeefun]

She doesn't have a preacher. She hasn't been to church in years. And niether do I, and even if I did it would have to be someone she knew well not some person she had never met.

[Peachdiane]

They are 18.... sounds cruel but if it were me I'd butt out. It's called tough love.

[PrezLeefun]

If just ignore this I am allwoing her to live in sin with guy, and be controlled. In my neck of the woods all this leads to is a Lifetime movie where the skeezy husband is on trial from murdering his wife. I can't just stand by and let things go downward.

[Gonzo67]

If just ignore this I am allwoing her to live in sin with guy, and be controlled.


She's 18. An adult, her life is her own. It's not up to you to "allow" or "deny" her any such thing. The decision is hers to make. As for being "controlled", you haven't provided anything that suggests that is the case. From what little information you have given, it sounds to me like he wants her to live with him, and she wants to live with him just the same. That's not "control" that's mutual.


In my neck of the woods all this leads to is a Lifetime movie where the skeezy husband is on trial from murdering his wife.


I'd have to question your motives for arriving at this "fatal conclusion". If he's the type of person that winds up murdering his wife, it begs the question, why was he your friend, and why was he welcomed into the home of your family members?

Or is it, that now that the two of them have decided to live the life THEY want to live, he's now "not worthy".

Question their motives all you want. Any friend or family member would. But if your opinion of him has changed so dramatically, you'd do well to question your OWN motives as well.


I can't just stand by and let things go downward.


Who's to say it WILL go "downward"? And even if you're positive it will, as I stated before, it's HER life to live. She learns nothing if you try to force her to avoid what you would consider a mistake. Have you been in her situation before?

If the answer is no, then how do you KNOW it's a mistake?

If the answer is yes, then you obviously LEARNED from your mistake. So now it's time to let her her learn from hers.

There is no simple answer. The decision she has made, she believes, is right for her. Just because it's not right for you, or even right in your eyes, it's not your place to make her life decisions for her.

The best thing you can do is let her live the life she wants to live. If it crashes, then be there for her, and help her through it. But either way, wish her the best and hope it works out for her.

[USPatriot8320]

Unfortunately, there is nothing that can be done. If people are ever going to learn how to deal with life's situations, they must make their own mistakes. It's sad and painful to watch, but it has to happen. The more a person interferes the more likely the other person is to push people that are tryin to help them further away.

[Peachdiane]

If just ignore this I am allwoing her to live in sin with guy, and be controlled. In my neck of the woods all this leads to is a Lifetime movie where the skeezy husband is on trial from murdering his wife. I can't just stand by and let things go downward.

I feel your pain; I really do. But as I said, she is a legal adult and has made her choices. There's really nothing you can do but stand by.

[Lubbock]

They are 18.... sounds cruel but if it were me I'd butt out.

Yep. That was my first thought when I read the initial post a couple of hours ago.

One of two things will happen --and not any time soon: 1.) She'll come home to the arms of her family; or, 2.) She won't.

Either way, she's an adult, and she's going to have to make her own decisions. She will also have to live with the consequenses. That's the hardest lesson of all.

As I heard my mother tell me on more than one occasion: It's your canoe, you row it.

[Federal Farmer]

I think most will give you the same advice Prez. They are of age and there isn't anything of a coercive nature that can be done, not even by the parents. Let her make her mistakes and don't abandon her even if others do. I would not alienate myself from him, but at the same time I would keep a wary eye on any evidence of abuse.

[PrezLeefun]

Everyone here is saying they are adults but they have not acted like adults.

They snuck her out in the middle of night. They both acted like cowards, taking advantage of a sick woman who was far too kind. They know what they did was wrong.

Its not like they said she was moving out and that was it and they did it all in broad daylight. They tried to hide what they were doing....thats childish at best.

As for my change in opinion about this young man.... he has always had an alarming machismo side to him. He constantly talks about hating this country and taking her back to Jamica when they marry and staying there. He insist he is in control of everything and is truly a man.

All of his other attributes softened this side of him and now that this has happened it makes what little I saw come out like a monster.
I for one do know that abusers can be very subtle. I liked this guy mostly for my cousin...I would never had choosen him as a friend on my own.

I know how subtle abusers can be, and that they have truly made this an us vs them situation I can see everything clealry. This situation is bad one. And cousin's choice is dangerous. I want to help her BEFORE things spin out of control.

[Gonzo67]

I know how subtle abusers can be, and that they have truly made this an us vs them situation I can see everything clealry.


I highlighted the most important word in your comment. THEY have made this decision. Not you, not anyone else in their family. THEY have decided.


I want to help her BEFORE things spin out of control.


Then by all means, offer her your help. But it's up to her to accept. If she is unwilling, you can not force your help on her. To do so will accomplish the exact opposite of what you want.

Offer her help, offer her advice.

Perhaps she sees something you do not. You claim you can see everything clearly, but apparently you can not, because you can not see what has made this the right decision (at least in her eyes) for her.

So talk to her, tell her your concerns, and offer her your help and advice. If she refuses, then let her make her own decisions. If you feel so strongly that this is a mistake she's making, then let her know if she decides to continue on, you'll wait and be there for her if you're proved to be right.

That's all you can do. You can't help someone that doesn't want help.

[PrezLeefun]

Thanks guys. I appreciate it.

[Peachdiane]

Everyone here is saying they are adults but they have not acted like adults.

Doesn't matter. Some people are older than me and act positively juvenile. Like my ex and his wife. They're hitting 40 and act more childish than my baby boy. Still, from a legal standpoint, your cousin is an adult.


I for one do know that abusers can be very subtle.

Well, yeah. I know about abusers. Lived with one for 9 years. It always starts out very miniscule and subtle then escalates.

And cousin's choice is dangerous. I want to help her BEFORE things spin out of control.

You can offer to be there but not control or tell her what to do. My mom sensed my ex was an abuser but she butt out and I made my choices. I'm very glad I did because it took a lot of pain and life lessons to get to the wonderful place I am in now. Hope that makes sense.

[Timberwolf]

PrezLee...I hear ya.

My first impression is they are adults, whether or not they are acting the part. Heck, I'm in my mid-40s and some people are STILL waiting for me to "act like an adult" (in certain areas of my life).

If his behavior has changed to indicate that he likely will become abusive or a danger to your cousin, you may want to talk to a lawyer about a restraining order (but that will involve YOU PROVING he has indeed become a danger...that ain't gonna be easy, even if it IS the case).

All you can do is pray for her well-being and that she'll come to her senses...as I will be doing.

[gnome]

I have had a similar situation with my older sister, though not as suddenly or dramatically. She has cut herself off from the family, and my parents do not speak to her anymore.

I don't condone her decisions (and I don't tell her that I do)... and I don't really provide her with anything in the way of material support... however, I have remained in contact with her to be a bridge back to the rest of the family. Eventually she may change her mind or the situation could blow up and she will need someone to turn to.

If you disapprove of her actions, but feel a need to take on a positive role in a potential solution, I think this may be the best you can do.