If Santa answered his mail honestly... [Archive]

EveningStar

12-01-2006, 05:19 PM

If Santa answered his mail honestly...

Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a freaking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa

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Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

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Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa

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Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa

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Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa

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Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa

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Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

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Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa

Gonzo67

12-01-2006, 05:32 PM

Little Timmy wanted a new bike for Christmas, so he sat down to talk with his mother.

"Mom, I want a new bike for Christmas, and 2 years in a row, I wrote to Santa asking him for one, and I never got one. What should I do?"

His mom replied: "Maybe you should write a letter to Jesus and ask him."

So Timmy say down in his bedroom and began to write his letter. Looking at the little nativity scene on his dresser for inspiration, he took out a piece of paper and began to write:

"Dear Jesus,

I really want a new bike for Christmas. If you can do this for me, I promise I'll be good and I'll do all my chores for a whole year."

Thinking about this, he decided that a whole year might be a bit too much to promise, so he crumpled up the paper and started over.

"Dear Jesus,

I really want a new bike for Christmas. If you can do this for me, I promise I'll be good and do all my chores for 6 months."

Thinking about it some more, he decided that even 6 months might be a bit too much for him to promise. So he crumpled up the paper and started a new letter.

"Dear Jesus,

I really want a new bike for Christmas. If you can do this for me, I promise I'll be good and do all my chores for a whole month."

Looking over his latest letter, he realized that even one month was a bit much.

Standing up, he walks over to his dresser. Taking the miniature baby Jesus out of the manger, he places it in the top drawer of his dresser. Sitting back down, he takes out a piece of paper and begins a new letter:

"Dear Virgin Marry,

If you ever want to see your kid again....."

DoctorDoom

12-02-2006, 10:57 AM

'Tis the season to be jolly ...

Barbie's Letter To Santa:

Dear Santa, Listen you fat troll, I've been saving your butt every year, being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in December and dressing in fake Channel at sappy tea parties. I hate to break it to ya', Santa, but it's payback time. There had better be some changes around here, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust me, you don't wanna be around to smell it.

These are my demands for Christmas:

1. Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt? I don't suppose you do.

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o molded underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man... I don't care if you have to go to Hasbro to get him; bring me GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic bump of a boy-toy, Ken. And what was up with that earring anyway? HELLO!?!

4. It's about time you made us all anatomically correct. Give me arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. 'Nuff said.

6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctors and school teachers make real money.

8. A new, more 21st century persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a pint of cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl complexion.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 40 years - I think I deserve a piece of the action.

Considering my valuable contribution to society and Mattel, I think these demands are reasonable. If you don't like it, you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.

As ever, Barbie

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Ken's Letter To Santa:

Dear Santa, It has come to my attention that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my sexuality, and some of my fashion choices.

I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, as well as some of my own needs and desires:

First, I, along with several of my colleagues, feel Ms. Barbie DOES NOT deserve the preferential treatment she has received over the years. That bitch has everything. Neither I, nor Joe, Jem, nor The Raggedys: Ann & Andy, have dream-houses, Corvettes, dune buggies, evening gowns, and some of us do not even have the ability to change our hairstyle. I have had a limited wardrobe, obviously designed to complement but never upstage Ms. Barbie.

My decision to accessorize with an earring was immediately quashed, which I protest, for it was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I would like a change in my career to further explore my creative nature.

Some options which could be considered are "Decorator Ken," "Beauty Salon Ken," or "Broadway Ken." Other avenues which could be considered are:

"Go-Go Ken", "Impersonator Ken" (with wigs and gowns), or "West Hollywood Ken". These would more accurately reflect my interests and, I believe, open up markets that have been under-served.

As for Ms. Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away", I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful in other situations of which you are aware.

In closing, further concessions to the Blonde Bimbo from Hell, while the needs of others within my coalition are ignored, will result in legal action to be taken by myself and others. And kindly tell Ms. Barbie she can forget about G.I. Joe...he's mine, at least that's what he said last night.

Sincerely, Ken

DoctorDoom

12-02-2006, 11:00 AM

A Christmas Tragedy
- Santa Shot Down
- Christmas Delayed

Bjorn Jorgensen
Black Hills Gazette
Commanchee Pass, SD

Photo of Bubba and Santa supplied by BATF

Santa Claus, internationally beloved icon of the Christmas season, is in intensive care at a local hospital in critical condition after reportedly being blown out of the sky, with his sled and eight tiny reindeer, by an angry member of the ultra- radical Six-Pack Militia.

According to BATF agents, the shooter, who is known only as "Bubba," is holed up in a cabin in the mountains, threatening to shoot the remaining two reindeer if his manifesto is not published in the New York Times. There were initially four surviving reindeer, but agents say that Bubba discovered that Prancer and Comet were queer for each other and shot them both "for good measure."

At this time the BATF has the cabin surrounded and reports that Bubba is accompanied by two other dangerous criminals, his 4 year old son Elmer and his 6 year old daughter Francine. BATF agents are reportedly taking their toll on Bubba's forces. Just shortly after noon today, BATF agents shot and killed two of Bubba's accomplices. Bubba's common law wife and second cousin, 41 year old Doreen (no last name given) was shot 47 times as she charged the BATF agents with an automatic weapon, although the weapon has yet to been found. Also, the local coroner initially reported that it was rather unusual that all of the exit wounds were in the front of Doreen's body, since BATF agents claimed that she was attacking the agents when she was shot. However, attempts to contact the coroner for further comments seem to indicate that the coroner is now missing. BATF officials seem strangely unconcerned about this development.

Also killed was Bubba's 5 year old son, Bubba, Jr., who BATF agents say was heavily armed and perched in a sniper's blind in a nearby tree. BATF agents deny charges that Bubba, Jr. was unarmed and only playing in a tree-house. Chief BATF agent Joseph Mengela, III stated that, "After we bring this terrorist down, we'll have plenty of evidence." When asked if they could show reporters any of the evidence now, Mengela commented, "That's not the way we work."

According to BATF agents, Bubba claims that the reason that he shot Santa Claus is because Santa violated his airspace and did not leave the fully automatic AK-47 that Bubba, Jr. had requested for Christmas last year. However, before reporters were pushed back from hearing distance of the cabin, Bubba was reportedly yelling that he didn't shoot Santa, even though Santa was taking surveillance photos for the NSA.

Santa's Public Relations elf, Claude, denied the allegation that Santa was taking surveillance photos for the NSA. Claude stated that, "The two boxes attached to the underside of the sleigh are not high-resolution cameras, as Bubba claimed, but are actually battery compartments for Santa's new electric seat warmer.

When asked if reporters could see the sleigh, a man in a dark suit, sunglasses and an earphone in his ear, stepped forward and cut the interview short saying, "The sleigh will not be released until the NTSB has had a chance to finish examining the sleigh and its flight data recorder in their crash investigation facility. That is all." However, we have been unable to find anyone at the NTSB who knows the whereabouts of the sleigh or if they even have it.

Reports that neighbors saw a bright light rising from a nearby military base at about the time of the downing of Santa's sleigh could not be confirmed, as those neighbors now appear to be missing, as well. This development also seems to be of little interest to government officials.

The North Pole announced that Christmas will be postponed indefinitely. In Santa's only statement to the press, before being wheeled into surgery, he responded to a question about the battery compartments on the sleigh saying, "What seat warmer?"

Watch for further news on this developing story.

Editor's note: By strange coincidence, we have been unable to locate Bjorn Jorgenson, the journalist who submitted this story, since shortly after he submitted it. When asked if they had seen Jorgensen, BATF officials not only stated that they had never seen him, but denied that any such person ever existed. Despite the fact that Bjorn is my brother, a quick check of public records confirmed the BATF assertion. A further check of the home where we thought he lived revealed that the house had, in fact, been occupied for the last 40 years by a little old lady. BATF officials attribute the belief in Bjorn's existence, by those of us who thought he existed, to mass hypnosis by agents of the former Soviet Union. --- Niles Jorgenson

DoctorDoom

12-02-2006, 11:05 AM

NOTICE FROM NORTH AMERICAN FAIRIES AND ELVES UNION LOCAL 210

We regret to inform you that, effective immediately, Santa Claus will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, his contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 210, and he now serves only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan.

As part of the new and better contract, Santa will also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind. Your children will not be ignored on Christmas Eve. They will be in the good hands of your local replacement, Santa's second cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares Santa's goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls, however, you may notice a few differences in the service. For example:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds or a moon pie on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe, though he dips a little snuff, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. Reindeer were once mistakenly issued to Bubba Claus, who now has a couple more nice trophy heads over his fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Petty...."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" will be replaced by "Yee-haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond in unison, "I hear'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off." He also has a few other decorations on his sleigh back as well, such as a string of flashing Christmas lights around the license plate, and a caricature of Santa Claus going wee-wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit V" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. You should make sure that the wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, Christmas songs about Santa Claus, such as "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer" and "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" will be replaced on all AM radio stations in the South by your new official Christmas carol, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer."

YEE-HAW!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Gonzo67

12-02-2006, 11:05 AM

8. A new, more 21st century persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a pint of cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips.

Or Divorcee Barbie (comes with all of Ken's shit)

DoctorDoom

12-02-2006, 11:07 AM

Cajun Night Befo' Chris'mas . . . y'all hav' yo enjoys, hein?

'Twas the night before Christmas
An' all t'ru de house
Dey don't a t'ing pass
Not even a mouse.

De chirren been nezzle
Good snug on de flo'
An' Mama pass de pepper
T'ru de crack on de do'.

Den Mama in de fireplace
Done roas' up de ham
Stir up de gumbo
An' make bake de yam.

Den out on de by-you
Dey got such a clatta
Make soun' like ole Boudreau
Done fall off his ladder.

I run like a rabbit
To got to de do'
Trip over de dorg
An' fall on de flo'!

As I look out de do'
In de light o' de moon
I t'ink "Manh, you crazy
Or got ol' too soon."

Cuz dere on de by-you
W'en I stretch ma' neck stiff
Dere's eight alligator
A pullin' de skiff.

An' a little fat drover
Wit' a long pole-ing stick
I know r'at away
Got to be ole St. Nick.

Mo' fas'er and fas'er
De 'gator day came
He whistle an' holler
An' call dem by name:

"Ha, Gaston!
Ha, Tiboy!
Ha, Pierre an' Alcee!
Gee, Ninette!
Gee, Suzette!
Celeste an' Renee!"

"To de top o' de porch
To de top o' de wall
Make crawl, alligator,
An' be sho' you don't fall."

Like Tante Flo's cat
T'ru de treetop he fly
W'en de big ole houn' dorg
Come a run hisse'f by

Like dat up de porch
Dem ole' gator clim!
Wit' de skiff full o'toy
An' St. Nicklus behin'.

Den on top de porch roof
It soun' like de hail
W'en all dem big 'gator
Done sot down dey tail.

Den down de chimney
I yell wit' a bam
An' St. Nicklus fall
An' sit on de yam.

"Sacre!" he axclaim
"Ma pant got a hole
I done sot ma'se'f
On dem red hot coal."

He got on his foots
An' jump like a cat!
Out to de flo'
Where he lan' wit' a SPLAT!

He was dress in musk-rat
From his head to his foot
An' his clothes is all dirty
Wit' ashes an' soot.

A sack full o'playt'ing
He t'row on his back
He look like a burglar
An dass fo' a fack.

His eyes how dey shine
His dimple, how merry!
Maybe he been drink
De wine from blackberry.

His cheek was like rose
His nose like a cherry
On secon' t'ought maybe
He lap up de sherry.

Wit' snow-white chin whisker
An' quiverin' belly
He shook w'en he laugh
Like de stromberry jelly!

But a wink in his eye
An' a shook o' his head
Make my confi-dence dat
I don't got to be scared.

He don' do no talkin'
Gone straight to his work
Put playt'ing in sock
An' den turn wit' a jerk.

He put bot' his han'
Dere on top o' his head
Cas' an eye on de chimney
An' den he done said,

"Wit' all o'dat fire
An' dem burnin' hot flame
Me I ain' goin' back
By de way dat I came."

So he run out de do'
An' he clim' to de roof
He ain' no fool, him
For to make one more goof.

He jump in his skiff
An' crack his big whip
De 'gator move down
An' don' make one slip.

An' I hear him shout loud
As a splashin' he go
"Merry Christmas to all
Till I saw you some mo'!"

DoctorDoom

12-02-2006, 11:12 AM

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged:

SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do you Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Queens Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA:
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas

NARCISSISTIC:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...

PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you Why.

DEPRESSION:
Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock............
(better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
Co-workers Roasting When I Open Fire

DoctorDoom

12-02-2006, 11:17 AM

The Night Before Christmas, Redneck Style

'Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack
Not a creature was stirrin', cept the lice on muh back.
The skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care,
With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were sleepin', all snug in their beds,
While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads.
And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake.
Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.

When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,
I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.
I ran to the door, like I's on a mission,
But I tripped on some parts from muh granny's transmission.

The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin'.
Muh daughter weren't home yet, she wuz still out parkin'.
When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see
But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin' sheep.

With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin' and sick
I said "Shoot Fire!" That must be St. Nick!
More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came
And he belched and he hollered, and he called 'em by name.

Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!
On FESTUS! On ELMER! On ROSCOE and CLETUS!
From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins
Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins!

I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.
Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.
He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog,
I swear that ole' Santa looked just like Boss Hog.

He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,
And his jeans were all bloody from that morning's hunt.
A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,
And he wore black boots that he'd picked up in 'Nam.

His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.
From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.
A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops.
The veins on his face looked ready to pop.

The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip
He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips.
He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.
I ain't seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly.

He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three
And I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me.
A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head,
From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed.

He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic,
Then filled the kid's stockings with Hooked on Phonics.
His toys came from Big Lots and they weren't very nice
But he had lots of them and yuh can't beat the price.

Some Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies,
And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size.
When the presents were gone and he had no more,
He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door.

He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order
"Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!"
And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS, Y'ALL!"

EveningStar

12-02-2006, 01:37 PM

The Twelve Days of Christmas Letters

December 14th

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes

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December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love, Agnes

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December 16th

Dear John:

Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist...you're just too kind.

Love Agnes

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December 17th

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.

Affectionately, Agnes

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December 18th

Dearest John:

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love, Agnes

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December 19th

Dear John:

When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!

Cordially, Agnes

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December 20th

John:

What's with you and those f*cking birds???? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of goddam joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I couldn't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY... So stop with those f*cking birds.

Sincerely, Agnes

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December 21st

OK Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own goddam cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, SMART ASS.

Ag

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December 22nd

Hey Shithead:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ - do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours.

From Ag

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December 23rd

You Rotten Prick:

Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm siccing the police on you.

One who means it, Ag

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December 24th

Listen F*ckhead:

What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy,
Miss Agnes McCallister

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December 25th

From the law offices of Taeker, Spredar, and Baegar

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Merry Christmas

Peachdiane

12-02-2006, 02:32 PM

My favorite:

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

You think you got it bad?

All night long, stuck in the chimneys, smelly socks, mad dogs, shot at, mistaken for a stork, driving all night in the snow, damn near killed in the backwash of a 757, Mrs. Claus pissed because I got in too late.

AND THAT ISN'T ALL

Donner and Blitzen and Rudolph got the shits over Albuquerque and you should see my suit! The damn elves won't clean the sleigh unless I pay them double time.

I am so sick of cookies and milk, I could vomit. The only highball I had all night is when I slipped getting out of the sleigh.

My prostate is giving me hell, peed my pants at 20,000 feet and froze to the seat. Allergic to pine needles, I itch all over. I think my hemorrhoids are back.

HO! HO! HO!

Merry Christmas, my ass!

Santa Claus

DoctorDoom

12-02-2006, 10:37 PM

The Christmas Party

FROM: Patty Bronson, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up
dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm.

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

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FROM: Patty Bronson, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

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FROM: Patty Bronson, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

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FROM: Patty Bronson, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

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FROM: Patty Bronson, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$ing Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The #$%*!@% Holiday Party

Vegetarians?!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including organic tomatos. But you know, tomatos have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

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FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Bronson and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Bronson a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy ( Diverse) Holidays!

DoctorDoom

12-02-2006, 10:39 PM

"Your honor, on the charge of pedophilia levelled against my client, Mr. Claus has offered this information which I believe clearly demonstrates that there are extenuating circumstances.

"According to his testimony to me, Mr. Claus is 690 years old.

• He has lived at the North pole for 665 years. He has never seen vegetation.
• His wife of 670 years has for the last 630 of them been a fat, frigid old hausfrau who constantly feeds him artery-clogging confections despite the abundance of venison on the hoof.
• He is surrounded daily by three-foot-tall, pointy-eared elves with annoyingly nasal voices, who have been singing "Heigh-Ho Heigh-Ho" every ten minutes since they first saw the Snow White film in the workshop theater in 1937.
• He only comes once a year and that's down a chimney.
• He gets out of the house one night a year and freezes his ass in an uncovered sleigh with a wind-chill factor near absolute zero.
• He spends the entire trip staring at eight tiny puckered reindeer buttholes and smelling carrot farts.
• And the only connection with reality that he has is the sight of the children all snug in their beds. I submit..."

"Case dismissed."

DoctorDoom

12-02-2006, 10:50 PM

Subject: Santa Claus: An engineer's perspective

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second --- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

III. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them --- Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

IV. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second crates enormous air resistance --- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to an acceleration force of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

V. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

DoctorDoom

12-02-2006, 10:53 PM

Barbies for the modern girls.

Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition So-Cal dolls for the Southern California market:

IRVINE BARBIE
This princess Barbie is only sold at The Irvine Spectrum. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired dog named Honey, and a cookie- cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.

TUSTIN BARBIE
This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone included, headset sold separately.

VAN NUYS BARBIE
This recently paroled former "Porn Actress" Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a methlab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

SANTA MONICA BARBIE
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

FONTANA BARBIE
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

NEWPORT BEACH BARBIE
This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print bikini and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the beach house. Percocet prescription available.

RIVERSIDE BARBIE
This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Fontana Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter top. Also available with a mobile home.

LAGUNA BEACH BARBIE
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Laguna Beach Barbie's and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.

LONG BEACH BARBIE
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

RANCHO SANTA MARGARITA BARBIE
She's perfect in every way. We don't know who Ken is because he's always away working.

CITY OF INDUSTRY BARBIE
This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three baby Barbies in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a meat-packer's uniform and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not available for City of Industry Barbie or Ken.

WEST HOLLYWOOD BARBIE/KEN
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple "snap-on" parts.

DoctorDoom

12-02-2006, 10:59 PM

At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too—muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

Gonzo67

12-03-2006, 12:13 AM

Michigan has put out their own line of "State Sponsored Barbie's". For those of you familiar with Michigan, you may recognize a few.

Bloomfield Barbie: This Princess Barbie is only sold at Somerset. She comes with an assortment of Burberry, Kate Spade and Prada handbags (not the knock-offs), a Lexus, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey, and a giant mostly unoccupied house. Available with or without tummy tuck and facelift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.

Rochester Barbie: This trendy homemaker Barbie comes with 2.1 kids and is available with your choice of Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar minivan. She gets lost easily and can be spotted on cell phone. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Optional matching gym outfit.

Detroit Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy on rims with tinted windows and her own Meth Lab kit. This model is available after dark and can be paid for only in cash - preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you're a cop - then we don't know what you're talking about.

Grosse Pointe Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with choice of a BMW sports car or a souped up Hummer 2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. But you can't afford them anyway.

Roseville/Madison Heights/Eastpointe/Warren Barbie: This model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt and has a tattoo of a rose on her shoulder. She has big hair, a six pack of Bud Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and can kick Mullet-haired Kenny doll's ass when she's drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get its Confederate flag bumper stickers absolutely free.

Birmingham Barbie: This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard-print ski outfit and drinks Cosmopolitans while she entertains friends at the club. Percocet and Vicodin prescriptions available.

Ann Arbor Barbie: This doll is made of actual tofu, has long gray hair and archless feet, sandals with white socks, no makeup and a mutt. She prefers that you call her "Willow."

Downriver Barbie: This chain-smoking, brassy-haired, Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased her beer-gutted boyfriend out of Club Dance. Her make-up is dark red lip liner with your choice of lips covered in a sparkly pink or no fill-in at all. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans with assorted colored G-strings that stick out the back and a white see-through halter-top. Accessories include: CD-player equipped with Bon Jovi and a rusty old Ford pick up.

Hamtramck Barbie: This Barbie is the same model of Barbie that was released in 1982. She comes with shoulder pads, dark polyester skirt, white pantyhose, sneakers, and a bad haircut.

Royal Oak Barbie: This Barbie comes with a short haircut and her life partner, Debbie. They come with their own loft apartment and SUV (with rainbow sticker on the bumper).

Peachdiane

12-03-2006, 11:56 AM

Ya'll forgot Turleen!

http://www.prankplace.com/images/trailer/turf_double.jpg

A little bio:

She didn’t just fall off of the turnip truck! Turleen is a sophisticated and patriotic American and a model working mother. After hours of hard work gathering carts at the Honk & Holler and waitressing at the elegant Bowlarama, she still finds time to spend quality time with her kids. With seven children and one on the way, she recently won the Mother of the Year Award from the Pink Flamingo Trailer Park Homeowners Association! This special trophy sits proudly on the kitchen window sill in her luxurious double-wide next to her six first place Little Miss Guzzler Awards from the county fair! Yes this honey has grown up! She’s got a bun in the oven and she’s ready to hit the town! Just push her belly button and Trash Talkin’ Turleen will share some pearls of wisdom with the sophistication and style that makes her family and third grade teacher proud.