'Honey, You Repel Me': Advice For Couples in a Sexless Marriage

[Seeker of Truth]

'Honey, You Repel Me': Advice For Couples in a Sexless Marriage
Wall Street Journal ^ | Thursday, May 15, 2003 | SUE SHELLENBARGER


A few times in my 12 years writing this column, I've stumbled on a topic so unsettling to readers that it demanded a follow-up. Last month was one of those times, when my story on the problems of dual-income, no-sex marriages drew a torrent of e-mail that read as if I'd jabbed an open wound.

Dozens of readers told tales of marital woe and asked for more, deeper advice. Some said the sexual stumbling block I focused on -- fatigue -- is only a pretext for deeper problems.

Many of you identified with the frustrated spouses in the article. "I find comfort in knowing that there are other married couples in the same boat," a New Jersey sales manager writes. Several e-mails arrived with the DINS acronym typed in next to job titles. A Dallas human-resources consultant rewrote the label: "So if you are single-income, no sex, I suppose you would be living in SINS? Gee, I can't wait to tell my wife."

The root causes of DINS problems run deep, readers said. Buried resentments led the list, followed by depression, medications that quell desire, and tension over dividing up household chores. Regarding his wife, the New Jersey sales manager laments: "Her idea of foreplay is me taking out the trash and doing the dishes while keeping the kids entertained."

Others cited a spouse's failure to stay in shape. A Los Angeles-area electronics consultant, a fitness buff, complains that his wife's weight gain has left him cold. He's not alone: Overweight spouses are a common beef among men and women who work out at his gym, he says.

Other readers asked for solutions beyond the home remedies I offered -- to talk more, take more time together and invest more effort in intimacy. After trying those tactics, "I have struck out more times than I like to remember," the New Jersey sales manager writes. "I could convince an Eskimo to buy ice from me, but my wife insists that she has no, and I mean NO, sexual drive."

One potential answer is an expanding array of marriage-education programs. These one-time workshops are taught in classroom-style in group sessions with other couples. They usually last one day or a long weekend, but can run as long as a semester. Some are taught by therapists, others by trained volunteer couples. They teach communication and conflict-resolution skills and an understanding of common marital stress points. Costs vary from a suggested "donation" to $10 to $15 an hour to $500 for a long weekend. Though research is thin, there's evidence some of the programs have a high success rate.

Source - Free Republic -via- Wall Street Journal (http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/912234/posts)

[Human_Error]

Great article.

I don't think you can put a finger on what makes couples grow apart sexually....but I do have an idea why some do.

First of all...when two people marry...they marry emotionally, physically and spirtitually. AND I tell you most of the marriages out there in trouble today never hooked on the spiritual link. THAT is the problem. Like a drinking binge they finally sober up. AFTER the physcial wears off...and you not longer can bullshit your way through a conversation of intellect....what is left? AND the worst is they look over and there sits their byproducts; the kids.

My advice to anyone getting married is...CONNECT spiritually. Because if you put God first in your marriage....he will bless it for all the days of your life.

AND remember....Make sure you really like this person. Because at the end of the marriage season...you wanna be able to look over in that rocking chair and like who you are talking to. Remember our bodies are gonna fade...year by year...our intellect may slip....but our souls...last forever!

So for those couples out there suffering? GET on your knees together and start a new life in Christ!

[Wyatt_Junker]

Human Error.

I formally grant you a certificate of Marriage, Family & Child Counseling degree. Now go into the world and heal the shattered suburban hells unabatedly.

Well done.

[Human_Error]

Wyatt...hahahah you are a sweetie pie.

HAHAHAHA but you know what?

I think I might be allergic to weddings!

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

[DesertFox]

Good post, Human. Spiritually and intellectually, men and women change. Whom you change into may not appeal to one who was attracted to who you used to be.

But that's only part of the problem. The real problem, IMO, is that passion needs illusion to survive. The person who flipped your switch at the start turns out not to be the person you thought (s)he was. The fault is as much yours as his/hers for seeing what you wanted to see rather than what was there all along.

No doubt your remedy (connect spiritually FIRST) would solve this problem for many, but I think even the spiritually-connected get turned off when they discover that the one they were so hot about a few years ago is more talk than substance, more pretense than real.

The best fix I can come up with goes back to a Salvadoran couple I met while I was an advisor there. It speaks to the fact that form matters, and I don't mean large busts or big muscles and flat tummies. This couple continued to play the courting game after 15 years and three kids. He treated her with all the old-fashioned courtesies -- walking with her hand on his arm, opening doors, attentiveness, being a gentleman -- and she accepted them as her due while reciprocating -- paying attention when he spoke, smiling at his silly jokes, never putting him down, being a lady. He helped around the house (extraordinarily rare in that society) and she unfailingly thanked him while recognizing that the home centered around her and the "refuge" she made it for him. Both worked hard at minimizing pettiness between them and toward others.

Those two had the answer to marital problems. You have to act like you love your spouse even if (s)he isn't always lovable. If each party works at this illusion, the marriage benefits hugely; and the more you work at it, the more fun it is. It is NOT a "charade," which pretends to something unreal. If both parties act out this illusion even when they don't feel up to it, a large well of good-feeling and appreciation builds up that tides over the inevitable times when one simply hasn't the energy. Concern then automatically wells up in the other's breast rather than irritation. Both parties know it's an illusion -- a lovely illusion that remunerates both and pushes the tie to new heights rather than building up resentments that tear it down.

IOW, a loving illusion that recognizes the power of showing that you care isn't an illusion at all -- it reflects the reality that form (ritual) matters a great deal in human relations, and if you give it its due, you win bigtime.