Tips for Telemarketers and Junk Mail Submitted by Barbara Stanley

[Warlady]

Three Little Words That Work !!

(1)The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..."

Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.

These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.

This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system.

Since doing this, my phone calls have decreased dramatically.

(3) Another Good Idea:

When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.

When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 37 cents postage "IF" and when they receive them back.

It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before! the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes. One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas. Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing!

Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting their own junk back in the mail.

Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea !

If enough people follow these tips, it will work----I have been doing this for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.

[CaliGirl]

Thanks Barbara for sending to WL. I have been doing #3 for years. CaliBoy thinks I am nuts, but I get a thrill out of sending them back their garbage they send to me. I always make sure all names, addresses, and etc is cut off. I even include some other junk from my 'trash mail' in their envelope. Some envelopes are so full of junk, I need to tape it closed. http://freeconservatives.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rotflmbo.gif

[CaliGirl]

Oh, forgot to mention. Can't wait to try # 1 and 2.

BTW...I just sent this to everyone I know. http://freeconservatives.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/icon16.gif

[DoctorDoom]

I recall that back in my pro-nuke days, one particularly annoying leftwing anti-newkewlar group wouldn't accept "NO!" But, they sent a postage-paid evelope. They got their stuff back along with a pound of lead sheet and a message to use it to protect themselves from the ee-vill nukes.

No further mailings ensued.

<hr>
Onward to the topic du jour. Here's one for those of a playful mindset.


1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

NOTICE: The above have all been tested and approved for use on telemarketers. No animals were harmed in the testing.

[nosferatuscoffin]

When it came to those jokers, I used to employ this tactic back in the 80's.

When they would ask me my household income, I would say "Is that with or without my welfare check?"

That chased them away. Although, on one occasion, one bitch called back 2 mins later and claimed that we were "disconnected". I played the sheepish caller and within 2 mins, she was gone.

I am evil and damn proud of it.

[DesertFox]

Nos, you just became a hero of mine.

[Bluemoon_Rising]

Doom said:

[ QUOTE ]
If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

[/ QUOTE ]

http://freeconservatives.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/rotflmbo.gif

I'm in sales; number one rule among real pros--never ask a potential customer whom you've never met before "how ya doing?" The clod that does that is asking for it and deserves every blessed, mind numbing detail. LOL! Good eye, Doom.

[Beowulf]

Nos, I plan to try that! Nice!!

[Peachdiane]

I'll add to this! From email I got!

[ QUOTE ]
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

[/ QUOTE ]

Mention that you'll be needing a concentrated infusion of hefty sums of cash for the construction of the "flux capacitor" for your time machine, or that you're only 10 or 12 thousand dollars away from being able to construct the "self-regenerating X-ray exciter core" which will power "the ultimate doomsday weapon" and that their company's help would be deeply appreciated. (With this latter option, be sure to obtain their address(es) so as to avoid any unfortunate "targeting mishaps.")
Toss in some conspiracy theory stuff if you like.

[ QUOTE ]
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

[/ QUOTE ]

.....and my bunions are killing me, I think the lumbago's starting to flair again, the kids are in trouble and the trial is set for next Wednesday, but the car's not going to be ready for another two weeks, I keep hearing a ringing in my ears, and the doc says my blood pressure medication doesn't seem to be working, and OH! here's Boopsie! Wanna say 'hi' to the nice man Boopsie? Say 'Hi.' You can do it... <make animal noises>"

[ QUOTE ]
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

[/ QUOTE ]

Should there be objections, mention that you'd never dream of buying something over the phone from a stranger; then swiftly begin the onslaught once more. What do they drive? How's the gas mileage? Do they smoke? Drink? When was the last time they bathed? Have they tried Viagra? Why? Etc...

[ QUOTE ]
4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

[/ QUOTE ]

From that point on start talking like a 1-900 sex line operator. (Be sure to ask how they'll be paying.)

If you are female:
"Are you muscular? What are you wearing?" Really seductive voice, "Take it off." As above, do the 1-900 sex line routine and don't forget the payment question.

If you've got a "unisex name" and a voice that'll leave 'em wondering what gender you are:
"Okay, I will listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
Bonus points if you can get them to reveal their orientation. See if you can squeeze in "I'm a cross-dressing transsexual. Is that a problem for you?"

[ QUOTE ]
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

[/ QUOTE ]

If you want to inject a little class into it, do your "no"s to the tune of Beethoven's 5th Symphony. The less sophisticated approach of using "Happy Birthday to You" or the ever popular "If You're Happy and You Know It" can also be fun. Group efforts over a speakerphone are highly recommended, particularly when done in rounds. "Freare Jacque" [spelling?] is a good choice for this option. Should the telemarketer make it all the way through the "song," toss in a congratulatory raspberry before hanging up. Little extras like that show how deeply you care.

[ QUOTE ]
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

[/ QUOTE ]

More insidious: Instantly develop an insecure personality just for the enjoyment of the telemarketer. Hang on his every word, but become menacing and downright threatening at any mention or hint of "competition" or "other companies" or even other telemarketers. Obsession is the order of the day. If you took a Psychology course in college, now's the perfect time to put it to use!

[ QUOTE ]
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

[/ QUOTE ]

Or: "Oh, what absolutely perfect timing. Blessing to the Nameless One! I'm throwing a little get together and I know it'll get messy. My guests just can't seem to help themselves. <slightly deranged giggle> Tell me, can you get out blood? Goat blood? How about HUMAN blood? That's very important."

[ QUOTE ]
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

[/ QUOTE ]

Dropping the receiver will give that extra touch of authenticity, but exercise caution. Don't want wanna break it you know. Oh, optional sounds, like gun fire or police sirens, just add to the effect. A tape recording of some "live action" TV show where the police bust down the door could be played if you don't wanna run the risk of them calling the cops. (After all, they just heard them break down the door, right?)

[ QUOTE ]
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

[/ QUOTE ]

Ask your "dining companions" to pass unusual items such as chilled monkey brains, Jell-O shots, whatnot. Creative use of a butler -- cultured accent and all -- can be fun. And while not recommended in small or cramped surroundings, brief use of hairspray and a lighter can add a nice "flambe" effect. (Setting off the fire alarm is -- of course -- optional.)

[ QUOTE ]
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

[/ QUOTE ]

It helps if you make up an unusual tale -- long of course -- and reveal at some point that you're in your present straight because you were drunk at the time. Oh, and also assure them that you DON'T have a drinking problem. That's *very* important.

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16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

[/ QUOTE ]

Better: Find the number of another telemarketer and pass THAT onto them.

[ QUOTE ]
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

[/ QUOTE ]

Still battling those hemorrhoids?" Oh yes, this is definitely the time to ask some highly embarrassing personal questions.

Scrabble masters and the highly-educated might have fun with this: Use long words, and nothing but. Bombastic circumlocution obfuscates communication, forthwith yielding spectacular prevarication opportunities. The use of a British accent is optional, but a nice touch. If they can't understand you, and a young child should be handy, pass it on to the kid after remarking "transference to suitably diminished communications skill-set entity commencing." Naturally, they'll ask for you again...

"Vinyl siding you say? Well heck yes I'm interested! <stern voice> Don't want any seams though. </stern> Can you wrap it around the house in a spiral like what those fancy apple peelers do, but in reverse? Gotta be in one continuous strip too, no splicing or stuff. Don't have no windows or doors here to speak of, but I would like a small slot cut out so that I can get mail from the command center. And it needs to block electromagnetic radiation and mind probes too. Oh and color! That's very important. What have you got in puce?" Give them the address of J. Random Competitor whose location you simply pluck out of the Yellow Pages.

"An investment opportunity? Why it doesn't rain no more it just pours! Listen up 'cause I gotta act quick if I wanna get this beautiful deal they've got on the Home Shopping Network. $9.95 marked down from a hundred and fiftynine bucks. Gods what a bargain! But I gotta call now! Why don't you give me your number real quick and I'll call ya right back. Hello?"

If you haven't admitted to being who they were calling yet, and if you know another language or somebody else does, tell them you're not who they want -- make sure the voice changes -- and let loose with that other language. And, naturally, "Yo no hablo Ingles."

Should the telemarketer speak it too, well you've got all those other things to try... Think of it as a "two-fer."
And if they transfer you to somebody else who speaks that language? Well hunky dory! You're all set if you've got a third language up your sleeve!

And now you've got some ammunition to suit most causes, situations, and temperaments. Of course, to be effective you need to deliver them properly. BELIEVE what you're saying. Role play your "character" a bit. *Become* the person behind these items.

Delivery is important! You want that telemarketer to have no doubts whatsoever that the person speaking to them is the actual, living, honest-to-goodness embodiment of the owner of your phone. Practice. Practice. Practice.

You want to project yourself through those phone lines and grab not only their attention, but transfix their heart with the utter conviction of your presentation. Grab their mind, ensnare their heart, and capture their soul! Leave them with the unshakable and total conviction that it's no act, they're speaking to the real you.

After all, how the Hell else are you gonna get off those damn lists?