TeenageRepublican
08-16-2007, 12:42 PM
I found a great collection of Anti-Democrat Jokes on the web, these are highly hilarious, you've been warned.
The old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer.
"I want to become a Democrat. Get me a change of registration form." "You can do it", the lawyer said, "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a Democrat?"
"That's my business! Get me the form!" Four days later, the old man got his registration changed. His lawyer was at his bedside making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said,
"Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to become a Democrat so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said:
"One less Democrat."
***
A Democrat and your mother-in-law are trapped in a burning building. You only have time to save one of them.
Do you have lunch or go to a movie?
***
Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a catfish?
A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.
***
Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a prostitute?
A: The prostitute give value for the money she takes.
***
Q: Why should Democrats be buried 100 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they're really good people.
***
Q: How can you tell there's an afterlife for Democrats?
A: Because after they die, they lie still.
***
A party of Democrats was climbing in the Alps .
After several hours they became hopelessly lost.
One of them studied the map for some time, turning
it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks,
consulting his compass, and finally the sun. Finally he said, ' OK see that big mountain over there?'
'Yes', answered the others eagerly.
'Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it.'
***
When Albert Einstein died, he met three people in the line outside the Pearly Gates. To pass the time, he asked what were their IQs. The first replied 190.
"Wonderful," exclaimed Einstein. "We can discuss the contribution made by Ernest Rutherford to atomic physics and my theory of general relativity". The second answered 150. "Good," said Einstein. "I look forward to discussing the role of Gingrich's Contract with America legislation in moving us into the twenty-first century". The third person mumbled 50. Einstein paused, and then asked, "What was it like being Vice-President, Mister Gore?"
***
A traveller wandering on an island inhabited entirely by cannibals comes upon a butcher shop. This shop specialised in human brains differentiated according to source. The sign in the shop read:
Artists' Brains $9/oz
Philosophers' Brains $12/oz
Scientists' Brains $15/oz
Republicans' Brains $19/oz
Democrats' Brains $2,000/oz Upon reading the sign, the traveller noted,
"My those Democrats' brains must be popular!" To which the butcher replied,
"Are you kidding! Do you have any idea how many Democrats you have to kill to get a ounce of brains?!"
***
For three years, the young Democrat took his vacations at a country inn. He had an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the child would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and we finally decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than an Democrat."
***
A wealthy Democrat had a summer house in the Maine woods. Each summer he'd invite a different friend (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two. On one occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian to stay with him. They had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning they went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch along came two huge bears. The Democrat dashed for cover. His friend wasn't so lucky and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The Democrat ran back to his car, drove to town as fast has he could, and got the sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his rifle and dashed back to the berry patch with the Democrat. Sure enough, both bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the Democrat, pointing to the male. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"Whatd'ya do that for?!" exclaimed the Democrat, "I said he was in the other!"
"Yep," said the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a Democrat who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"
***
Q: What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.
***
That's all I though were funny, there are some great Bill Clinton ones, but I'll post them later.
The old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer.
"I want to become a Democrat. Get me a change of registration form." "You can do it", the lawyer said, "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a Democrat?"
"That's my business! Get me the form!" Four days later, the old man got his registration changed. His lawyer was at his bedside making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said,
"Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to become a Democrat so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said:
"One less Democrat."
***
A Democrat and your mother-in-law are trapped in a burning building. You only have time to save one of them.
Do you have lunch or go to a movie?
***
Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a catfish?
A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.
***
Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a prostitute?
A: The prostitute give value for the money she takes.
***
Q: Why should Democrats be buried 100 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they're really good people.
***
Q: How can you tell there's an afterlife for Democrats?
A: Because after they die, they lie still.
***
A party of Democrats was climbing in the Alps .
After several hours they became hopelessly lost.
One of them studied the map for some time, turning
it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks,
consulting his compass, and finally the sun. Finally he said, ' OK see that big mountain over there?'
'Yes', answered the others eagerly.
'Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it.'
***
When Albert Einstein died, he met three people in the line outside the Pearly Gates. To pass the time, he asked what were their IQs. The first replied 190.
"Wonderful," exclaimed Einstein. "We can discuss the contribution made by Ernest Rutherford to atomic physics and my theory of general relativity". The second answered 150. "Good," said Einstein. "I look forward to discussing the role of Gingrich's Contract with America legislation in moving us into the twenty-first century". The third person mumbled 50. Einstein paused, and then asked, "What was it like being Vice-President, Mister Gore?"
***
A traveller wandering on an island inhabited entirely by cannibals comes upon a butcher shop. This shop specialised in human brains differentiated according to source. The sign in the shop read:
Artists' Brains $9/oz
Philosophers' Brains $12/oz
Scientists' Brains $15/oz
Republicans' Brains $19/oz
Democrats' Brains $2,000/oz Upon reading the sign, the traveller noted,
"My those Democrats' brains must be popular!" To which the butcher replied,
"Are you kidding! Do you have any idea how many Democrats you have to kill to get a ounce of brains?!"
***
For three years, the young Democrat took his vacations at a country inn. He had an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the child would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and we finally decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than an Democrat."
***
A wealthy Democrat had a summer house in the Maine woods. Each summer he'd invite a different friend (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two. On one occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian to stay with him. They had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning they went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch along came two huge bears. The Democrat dashed for cover. His friend wasn't so lucky and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The Democrat ran back to his car, drove to town as fast has he could, and got the sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his rifle and dashed back to the berry patch with the Democrat. Sure enough, both bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the Democrat, pointing to the male. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"Whatd'ya do that for?!" exclaimed the Democrat, "I said he was in the other!"
"Yep," said the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a Democrat who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"
***
Q: What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.
***
That's all I though were funny, there are some great Bill Clinton ones, but I'll post them later.