Anti-Liberal Jokes 2: The Clintons

[TeenageRepublican]

I know everybody loved my collection of Anti-Liberal jokes so, I decided to bring back more. Maybe there's going to be a third thread after this...maybe.

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where Bill Clinton was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful young woman. "What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that Democrat gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
***
Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.
***
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a snake?
A: One is spineless, has a forked tongue and is a threat to humans. The other is a reptile
***
Q: How many jokes are there about Bill Clinton?
A: ONE----ALL THE REST ARE TRUE.
***
Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and offers that "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy." "No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT." A girl raises her hand. "If a schoolbus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains Clinton."That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill & Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy." "Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"
***
There were 3 high school-aged boys walking down the street in Washington. Suddenly, they see Bill Clinton go jogging by, and he's about to be hit by a car. So, they pull Bill out of the way and save his life. Bill says "Thank you for saving my life. I'll grant each of you one wish."
The first boy says, "I want to go to Georgetown."
Bill pulls some strings and gets the boy admitted.
The second boy says "I want to get into West Point, but it normally requires a Congressional appointment".
So Bill calls up his Democratic friends in Congress and gets the boy his appointment.
The third boy says "I want to be bured in Arlington National Cemetary."
Bill says "That's an odd request for a 17-year old!"
The boy says "Yeah, but when my father finds out I saved your life he's gonna kill me!"
***
A man was walking along when he spotted a small boy busily constructing something. He approached the boy and was shocked to see him playing with cow manure! For lack of anything better to say, he asked, "Little boy, what ARE you doing?"
The boy replied, "I am making Ross Perot, Mister."
Now thoroughly taken aback, the man asked, "Why are you making Ross Perot?
Why not make, er, Bill Clinton?"
The boy answered, "Oh no Mister, I can't make Bill Clinton."
"But why not?" asked the man.
The boy replied "Well, Mister, there isn't enough bullshit here to make Bill Clinton."
***
Several politicians had a meeting with the Wizard of Oz...
First, Newt Gingrich went to see the Wizard and said, "Everyone says I have no compassion or feelings, I wish to have a Heart".
So the Wiz said,"So be it".
Second was Al Gore. He said to the Wiz, "People think I'm unintelligent and have no common sense what so ever...I wish to have a Brain".
The Wiz said, "So be it".
Third was Bob Dole. "People say I have no confidence and I lack conviction... ..I wish to have some Courage".
And the Wiz said, "So be it".
And then Bill Clinton approached the Wizard.
The Wizard looked at him, and said, "Well, what do you want?"
To which Clinton replied, "I'm here for Dorothy!"
***
A little boy wanted $100 very badly, so he prayed every night for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided he would just write the Lord a letter and ask him directly for the $100.
When the post office received the letter addressed to "GOD, U.S.A.," they decided to forward it to President Clinton. The President was so touched and impressed with the boy's nerve that he showed it to Hillary. She said, "This could be good P.R., Bill. Go ahead and send the kid some money." The President told his secretary to send the boy $5.00. He thought this would seem like a lot of money to the little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat right down to write a thank you letter to God. It read as follows:
Dear God,
Thank you for sending me the money I rquested. However, I see you send the money through Washington, D.C. and, as usual, that bastard Clinton took 95% of it.
***
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first. What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?"
Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amy" said the teacher. "What does your parent do, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced,
"My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's dad said, "I actually work for the Clinton Administration. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
***
Q: Why were the Clintonites pushing the BTU Tax?
A: Because they could spell it.
***

Q: How do you satisfy Clinton's sexual appetite?
A: It takes a village
***
If you want more, then just tell me, and I'll get some.

[Timberwolf]

LOL...those are pretty good. Now, find some about Obama and Hitlery. :biggrin:

[DoctorDoom]

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bummer day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight; immediately I began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announces, "OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in. A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Greetings, friend: before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

The man said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this, I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by my finger tips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well sir," the Angel announces. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, President Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died."

Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked inside a refrigerator..."

<hr>
Bill Clinton died and St. Peter sent him straight to hell. There the Devil greeted him personally.

Devil: Mr. President, Welcome. You are indeed an honored guest here. You are such an acquisition for us I am going to give you a special priviledge - you will be able to see three choices of how you will be spending eternity, and you may choose which one you prefer.
Clinton: Well, thanks.

The Devil opens the first door and there is Newt Gingrich on a bar-b-que spit turning over hot coals.

Clinton: That looks OK, what would I do here?
Devil: You just have to keep turning the spit over.
Clinton: Sounds fine, but that will probably get boring.

The Devil opens the second door and there are all the Republicans on the House Judiciary Committee in a vat of boiling oil.

Clinton: Looks good, what would I have to do here?
Devil: You just have to keep shoveling coal to keep the fire going.
Clinton: Sounds fine, but that might get kind of boring, too.

The Devil opens the third door and Monica Lewinsky is on her knees doing what she does so well with Special Prosecutor Ken Starr.

Clinton: Okay, THIS I can handle! I'll take it.
Devil: You're sure of that?
Clinton: Are you kidding? An eternity of that? Absolutely!
Devil: So be it! OK, Monica, you can leave.

<hr>
"President Clinton's Testimony" by Dr. Seuss

I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar
I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park

I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate
I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants

I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face
I never did it in a bed
If you think that, you've been misled

I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone
I did not cause her dress to stain
I never boinked Saddam Hussein

I did not do it with a whip
I never fondled Linda Tripp
I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey

There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her 'round, but could not catch her
No kinky stuff, not on your life
I wouldn't, even with my wife

And Gennifer Flowers' tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes
And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers

I did not ask my friends to lie
I did not hang them out to dry
I did not do it last November
But if I did, I don't remember

I did not do it in the hall
I could have, but I don't recall
I never did it in my study
I never did it with my dog, Buddy

I never did it to Sox, the cat
I might have -- once -- with Arafat
I never did it in a hurry
I never groped Ms. Betty Currie

There was no sex at Arlington
There was no sex on Air Force One
I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal

But never did these things so lewd
At least, not ever in the nude
These things to which I have confessed
They do not count, if we stayed dressed

It never happened with cigar
I never dated Mrs. Starr
I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN

I broke some rules my Mama taught me
I tried to hide, but now you've caught me
But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach

I might have got a little tail
But never, never did inhale.

<hr>
On his way home from work at the Pentagon a Marine colonel found himself completely stopped in a snarl of traffic. "Wow," he thought to himself, "this traffic is worse than usual. Nothing's moving." Then he spotted a police officer walking back and forth between the motionless lines of cars. The colonel rolled down his window and shouted out, "Excuse me, officer, what's the holdup?"

The officer replied, "The President is so depressed about the whole impeachment thing, all those rape allegations, and the wag-the-dog military screw-up in Yugoslavia, he stopped his motocade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his attorneys. I'm just walking around from one stopped car to another taking up a collection for him."

"Oh, really?" the colonel replied. "How much have you collected so far?"

The police officer glanced back at the colonel. "Well, so far about three hundred gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning!"

<hr>
One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did." advised George.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I can do for the country?" Clinton asked.

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.

Clinton didn't sleep well the next night and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.

"Go to the theater!"

<hr>
President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven.

"And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter.
It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly President of the United States and Leader of the Free World."
"Oh, Mr. President! What may I do for you?" asks St. Peter.
"I'd like to come in," replies Clinton.
"Sure," but first you have to confess your sins. What bad things have you done in your life?"

Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but you can't call it "dope-smoking" because I didn't inhale. There were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you can't call it "adultery" because I didn't achieve full "sexual relations", and I made some statements that were misleading but legally accurate - You can't call it bearing "false witness" because as far as I know, it didn't meet the legal standard of perjury".

With that, St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly and declares, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it "Hell". You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't call it "eternity", and when you enter you don't have to "abandon all hope", just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

<hr>
Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.
"Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!" she exclaimed.
"No," said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."
"Let's see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want. I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, that's it, for my one wish I would like my love handles removed."
"Poof!"
And just like that... her ears were gone.

<hr>
Bill and Hillary Clinton are attending a Basball match. As the game is about to begin, Bill turns to his wife, picks her up, and throws her out onto the Baseball field. The President's chief advisor leans over to him, and says, "Bill, I think you've misunderstood. I said you had to throw out the First Pitch."!

<hr>
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,
"Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears,
"Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?," the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is amazed and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful". The frog replies,
"Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your Honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

<hr>
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"

[Wolfcounsel]

That was not an anti-liberal joke, stegjohn. It makes the cowardly, draft-dodging, finger-wagging, lying adulterer turd look like a smooth Casanova.

[Nutrider99]

When bill clintoon was president he liked to go jogging. As he jogged he passed a working girl just getting off her shift. "How much?" the rapist-in-cheif asked.
"A hundred," the hooker replied.
"I'll pay five bucks," clintoon stated. The hooker flipped him off and went on home.
The same thing happened for the next three days, each time the hooker said $100. and clintoon said $5.
The next morning, hilllary wanted to go with bill. He couldn't say no, but he hoped he wouldn't see the hooker this morning. As luck would have it, they practically ran in to each other. The hooker took one look at hillary and said "See what you get for five bucks?"

[Peachdiane]

One of my faves (short but sweet)

What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
A puppy stops whining after it grows up.

[Wolfcounsel]

"Since he's in heaven in the joke he would get whatever he wishes for; therefor not a smooth Casanova. Kinda kills it when the joke has to be explained." --stegjohn

:banghead:

It's...a...joke! But it's a pro-liberal joke, not anti.

[TeenageRepublican]

Alright, my next target is either going to Obama or Al Gore. Maybe even Al Franken. :evilgrin:
I'll post it in three weeks.

[TeenageRepublican]

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bummer day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight; immediately I began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announces, "OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in. A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Greetings, friend: before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

The man said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this, I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by my finger tips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well sir," the Angel announces. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, President Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died."

Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked inside a refrigerator..."


<HR>
Bill Clinton died and St. Peter sent him straight to hell. There the Devil greeted him personally.

Devil: Mr. President, Welcome. You are indeed an honored guest here. You are such an acquisition for us I am going to give you a special priviledge - you will be able to see three choices of how you will be spending eternity, and you may choose which one you prefer.
Clinton: Well, thanks.

The Devil opens the first door and there is Newt Gingrich on a bar-b-que spit turning over hot coals.

Clinton: That looks OK, what would I do here?
Devil: You just have to keep turning the spit over.
Clinton: Sounds fine, but that will probably get boring.

The Devil opens the second door and there are all the Republicans on the House Judiciary Committee in a vat of boiling oil.

Clinton: Looks good, what would I have to do here?
Devil: You just have to keep shoveling coal to keep the fire going.
Clinton: Sounds fine, but that might get kind of boring, too.

The Devil opens the third door and Monica Lewinsky is on her knees doing what she does so well with Special Prosecutor Ken Starr.

Clinton: Okay, THIS I can handle! I'll take it.
Devil: You're sure of that?
Clinton: Are you kidding? An eternity of that? Absolutely!
Devil: So be it! OK, Monica, you can leave.


<HR>
"President Clinton's Testimony" by Dr. Seuss

I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar
I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park

I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate
I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants

I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face
I never did it in a bed
If you think that, you've been misled

I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone
I did not cause her dress to stain
I never boinked Saddam Hussein

I did not do it with a whip
I never fondled Linda Tripp
I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey

There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her 'round, but could not catch her
No kinky stuff, not on your life
I wouldn't, even with my wife

And Gennifer Flowers' tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes
And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers

I did not ask my friends to lie
I did not hang them out to dry
I did not do it last November
But if I did, I don't remember

I did not do it in the hall
I could have, but I don't recall
I never did it in my study
I never did it with my dog, Buddy

I never did it to Sox, the cat
I might have -- once -- with Arafat
I never did it in a hurry
I never groped Ms. Betty Currie

There was no sex at Arlington
There was no sex on Air Force One
I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal

But never did these things so lewd
At least, not ever in the nude
These things to which I have confessed
They do not count, if we stayed dressed

It never happened with cigar
I never dated Mrs. Starr
I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN

I broke some rules my Mama taught me
I tried to hide, but now you've caught me
But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach

I might have got a little tail
But never, never did inhale.


<HR>
On his way home from work at the Pentagon a Marine colonel found himself completely stopped in a snarl of traffic. "Wow," he thought to himself, "this traffic is worse than usual. Nothing's moving." Then he spotted a police officer walking back and forth between the motionless lines of cars. The colonel rolled down his window and shouted out, "Excuse me, officer, what's the holdup?"

The officer replied, "The President is so depressed about the whole impeachment thing, all those rape allegations, and the wag-the-dog military screw-up in Yugoslavia, he stopped his motocade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his attorneys. I'm just walking around from one stopped car to another taking up a collection for him."

"Oh, really?" the colonel replied. "How much have you collected so far?"

The police officer glanced back at the colonel. "Well, so far about three hundred gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning!"


<HR>
One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did." advised George.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I can do for the country?" Clinton asked.

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.

Clinton didn't sleep well the next night and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.

"Go to the theater!"


<HR>
President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven.

"And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter.
It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly President of the United States and Leader of the Free World."
"Oh, Mr. President! What may I do for you?" asks St. Peter.
"I'd like to come in," replies Clinton.
"Sure," but first you have to confess your sins. What bad things have you done in your life?"

Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but you can't call it "dope-smoking" because I didn't inhale. There were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you can't call it "adultery" because I didn't achieve full "sexual relations", and I made some statements that were misleading but legally accurate - You can't call it bearing "false witness" because as far as I know, it didn't meet the legal standard of perjury".

With that, St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly and declares, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it "Hell". You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't call it "eternity", and when you enter you don't have to "abandon all hope", just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."


<HR>
Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.
"Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!" she exclaimed.
"No," said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."
"Let's see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want. I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, that's it, for my one wish I would like my love handles removed."
"Poof!"
And just like that... her ears were gone.


<HR>
Bill and Hillary Clinton are attending a Basball match. As the game is about to begin, Bill turns to his wife, picks her up, and throws her out onto the Baseball field. The President's chief advisor leans over to him, and says, "Bill, I think you've misunderstood. I said you had to throw out the First Pitch."!


<HR>
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,
"Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears,
"Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?," the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is amazed and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful". The frog replies,
"Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your Honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."


<HR>
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"

:rotflmbo: I've heard those jokes a hundred times, but they never get old. I always end up laughing or chuckling at him.

[stegjohn]

President Bush, Dick Cheney, and Bill Clinton were flying on a plane.

Bush looked at Cheney, chuckled and said, “You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.”

Cheney shrugged his shoulders and replied, “I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.”

Clinton added, “That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.”

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot, “I could throw one Bill out of the window and make 300 million people very happy.”

[TeenageRepublican]

President Bush, Dick Cheney, and Bill Clinton were flying on a plane.

Bush looked at Cheney, chuckled and said, “You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.”

Cheney shrugged his shoulders and replied, “I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.”

Clinton added, “That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.”

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot, “I could throw one Bill out of the window and make 300 million people very happy.”

ROFL!

Okay, now let's go onto the Anti-Liberal Jokes 3 thread. :thumb:

[stegjohn]

I just had to get a Clinton joke in before I move on.