Bed Sheets (Halloween Joke)

[Beowulf]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down, replied: "I think I just beat the s--- out of a ghost."
Happy Halloween

[Gonzo67]

During the holiday season, an Avon Lady was in a high rise apartment building selling her Avon. She gets into the elevator and just when the door closes for the ride up, she gets a terrible gas pain. Being alone in the elevator, she decides to let a healthy one rip.

Concerned with maintaining her "lady like" status, she gets a bottle of Pine Scented fragrance out of her sample case and proceeds to freshen the air a bit with it.

Just as she finishes spraying the pine scent, the elevator stops, the doors open, and a dunk gets on. As the doors close and the car begins to move, the drunk's nose wrinkles up a bit and he starts sniffing:

"(sniff) (sniff) What the hell ish that shmell? (hic)" asks the drunk.

Always proud of her Avon Products, the woman asks:

"Well, what do YOU think that smell is?"

The drunk looks around: "(sniff)... Smells like... (sniff).... Shmells like someone done shit a Christmas tree!"

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Old Cletus and Coy decided to go out one night. Going to the bar, they start tossing back some beers. The night's getting on, and they start looking for a little action, when this girl they ain't never seen walks into the bar.

Coy looks over at his friend and says:

"You know, you ain't had you no girl friend since Bessy left you after you lost your eye in that huntin' accident. You should go over there and talk to that little lady that just come in."

Cletus, a bit self conscious about his fake eye says:

"Oh, I don't know... She's not really my type. She's a bit taller 'n me."

Coy says "Oh bullshit. Bessie was a whole lot taller 'n you!"

Cletus looks over at the girl and says "Oh, I don't know... She's a Brunet, and I like 'em blonde..."

Coy says "The hell you say! Bessy was only blond cause she done bleached her hair! She started out a brunet too!"

Cletus looks over at the girl and says "Oh I don't know... She's got kind of a hairlip on her..."

Coy says "Oh quit yer complainin'! You're just scared to go talk to her! Old Bessy had a mustache that would make a monkey jealous!"

Cletus looks over at the woman and says "You know sumthin' Coy, yer right! I deserve a little fun, she ain't all that bad, she's a damn sight better than old Bessy... I'm gonna go ask that little lady to dance!"

Cletus walks over to the woman and asks "'scuse me ma'am, but I was wonderin' if you'd like to dance?"

The woman looks up at Cletus and smiles and says "Would I? Oh! Would I!"

Cletus looks down at her and says "Screw you ya damn hairlip!"