Moments Together for Couples

[dajoga]

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Entering the Attic (Part One)

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. 1 John 4:18

As a young boy growing up in a small white two-story frame home, I was terrified of the attic. An eerie stillness enveloped me as I ventured into this windowless, hot, creepy room. The scent of mothballs perfumed the air. Invisible threads of spider webs attempted to capture me if I got too near. Mysterious shapes, covered by sheets and blankets, crouched in corners, casting suspicious shadows on the plank floor.

I just knew that attic contained more than discarded junk. Something was living up there, something that would mercilessly defend its territory against pint-sized trespassers. I never saw this creature, but I knew it was there.

Everyone has an attic in their minds. It may be a room in which past mistreatment is stored. Memories of when you failed others and when others failed you may haunt and accuse you. Your self-image is shaped in your past, by whether you were praised and encouraged or criticized relentlessly when you grew up.

Although I feared going into the attic alone, with a companion I became downright courageous. That dark, scary spot in my home became little more than just another room.

You and your mate can be that kind of companion for each other. One or both of you may be extremely fearful of visiting the attics of your past. But self-confidence and reassurance will grow if you enter them together.

Have you considered that your relationship with your spouse can give him or her the courage needed to face very real fears in his or her life? Take a moment and think of ways that you can be a supportive friend who helps your mate enter attics and face down negative role models that may be lurking there.

Discuss: Are the "attics" of your past fearful or inviting? If the past creates emotional turmoil in your life, then what can your mate do to help you "cast out all fear"?

Pray: That you and your mate can exhibit the love of Christ to one another and help each other conquer fear as you build a home without frightening attics.

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Excerpted from "Moments Together for Couples" by Dennis and Barbara Rainey. Used with permission. Copyright 1995 by Dennis and Barbara Rainey. All rights reserved. To purchase the book, visit
-> http://www.familylife.com/1-800-358-6329/detail.asp?id=1170

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I get these little vignettes by email from Family Life. Thought someone else might enjoy one occasionally on this forum.

[TheRealLobo]

Thanks for the one above.

Mrs Lobo and I call it "ghostbusting"...slaying the ghosts of the past, so to speak.

The post above describes it perfectly.

[dajoga]

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Entering the Attic (Part Three)

I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3:14

I have five suggestions for helping your mate dig through the attic of the past and focus on the future:

First, work with your spouse to get the problem fully on the table. Talk about how your parents treated you and ask your mate to share his or her experiences. Be patient. Talking about these things can be very painful. Affirm and strengthen your mate by listening, and by expressing your own acceptance.

Second, help your mate understand his or her parents. Talk together about them and put their lives in proper perspective. Remind your mate that his or her parents probably did the best they could.

Third, give your mate the perspective that God's grace and power is greater than his or her parents' mistakes. No matter how bad a person's home was, God delights in resurrecting damaged self-images and restoring dignity to such people. Talk about the overwhelming power of grace, and express your confidence and belief in the greatness of God's love and acceptance.

Fourth, encourage your mate to forgive his or her parents-completely. You may need to first talk this out as a couple. A qualified counselor may be needed if you feel you cannot help your mate get on top of this emotionally charged area and forgive his or her parents.

Finally, help your mate determine how he or she will respond to his or her parents. He has no control over how he was treated as a child, but he does have control over how he will relate to them today. Bring his focus to what they did right, and how you both are the benefactors. Help him think of ways he can honor his parents.

In some cases, it may take months or years for all the hurt to be brought out in the open. But if you're patient, and if you and your mate are willing to allow Jesus Christ to be Lord of this relationship, healing is possible.



Discuss: What is a tangible way to forgive your parents?

Pray: If appropriate, tell God that you are willing to forgive and love your parents.

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Excerpted from "Moments Together for Couples" by Dennis and Barbara Rainey. Used with permission. Copyright 1995 by Dennis and Barbara Rainey. All rights reserved.

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