Chuck Norris Facts

[TeenageRepublican]

Chuck Norris can eat coal and crap diamond.
The force is strong with Chuck Norris.
Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.
Do you know what the quickest way to a man's heart is? Chuck Norris's fist!
Chuck Norris reached the end of world of warcraft
Chuck Norris is the reason why waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, he decides what time it is.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the earth down.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris's hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.
Chuck Norris, pizza and sex. Even when they're not that good, they still kick ass.
There is no chin under Chuck Norris's beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris put the fun in funeral.
Anything you can do, Chuck Norris can do better.
Curiosity didn't kill the cat, Chuck Norris did.
Jesus walks on water, Chuck Norris swims through land.
Chuck Norris never gets wet; the water gets Chuck Norrised.
Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Some people like to eat frogs’ legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald’s because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy’s.
Chuck Norris can’t finish a “color by numbers” because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter.
If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.
...Feel free to add some!

[Incident_command]

Easy on Chuck now. Dude was my hero growing up. My friends and I would watch his great theatrical classics like
Breaker Breaker
Good Guys Wear Black
A Force Of One
The Octagon
An Eye For an Eye
Forced Vengeance I Love that fight scene on the stairs with the neon sign in the backround. Chuck takes off his hat, hands it to his girl, and kicks some chinamans butt.

[Wyatt_Junker]

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. Afterward, they were renamed the Islands.

Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience.

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror, the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

On the comments part in Chuck Norris’s first-grade report card, it said, “What Mr. Norris lacks in social skills he makes up for in the bedroom.”

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet who can kick you in the back of the face.

Somewhere, right now, Chuck Norris is plowing a woman he doesn’t love.

Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck’s nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour de France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.

When Chuck Norris cuts in line. The line bleeds.

The one-dollar bill originally had Chuck Norris on it, but the beard kept getting caught in vending machines.

Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.

Chuck Norris is like corn. No matter how much shit he is in, he still comes out in one piece.

The Black-Eyed Peas were simply known as The Peas until they crossed Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris cleans the wax out of his ears with a shotgun.

Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying facedown and he struck oil.

Chuck Norris never loses a game of Clue, despite the fact everyone knows he’s the murderer and used his foot to do it.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

Chuck Norris once struck lightning.

Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris calendar goes straight from March 31 to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Objects in Chuck Norris’s rearview mirror appear at their correct distances.

Chuck Norris can kick a fart back into an ass.

Chuck Norris was baptized with napalm.

Chuck Norris hits puberty during the second trimester.

Chuck Norris puts the FIST in PACIFIST.

The fences at the zoo are to keep the animals form Chuck Norris.

For some people, one testicle is larger than the other one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for five days as a result.

When Chuck Norris breaks wind, it stays broken.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Water boils faster when Chuck Norris watches it.

Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.

Only Wonder Woman has a uterus capable of bearing Chuck Norris’s children.

Chuck Norris can impregnate women with only a glance. He can do this to men also.

If someone asks Chuck Norris what his favorite song is, he roundhouse kicks them in the face until they beg for mercy. He then tells them that’s music to his ears.

When Chuck Norris punches you in the uterus, you become pregnant. Don’t try an abortion, either; it only makes the fetus stronger.

Chuck Norris’s heart beats once every week.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

[TeenageRepublican]

Easy on Chuck now. Dude was my hero growing up. My friends and I would watch his great theatrical classics like
Breaker Breaker
Good Guys Wear Black
A Force Of One
The Octagon
An Eye For an Eye
Forced Vengeance I Love that fight scene on the stairs with the neon sign in the backround. Chuck takes off his hat, hands it to his girl, and kicks some chinamans butt.

Chuck Norris is awesome. These aren't mocking him, imo.

[Elgalad]

http://img357.imageshack.us/img357/8372/jackbauerlb2.jpg

You can't roundhouse kick a bullet.


Just sayin'. :smirky:


-Elgalad

http://img241.imageshack.us/img241/7360/jackmakeschuckcrysg9.jpg

[ThomasMore]

When the Bogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a Delta Force marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.

Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.

When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.

When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother's womb.

Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.

Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.

James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a field goal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.

Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.

In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease"

Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.

"Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.

Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.

Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.

Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.

Earth's emergency defense plan in case of alien invasion is Chuck Norris.

[Incident_command]

Chuck Norris is awesome. These aren't mocking him, imo.


I know TR, just having fun

[buckeyepete]

OOOOOOOOhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I'm gonna let my wife read this. She's a Walker, Texas Ranger nut..

I'll let y'all know if she dies laughing or punches the monitor.:D

[TeenageRepublican]

OOOOOOOOhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I'm gonna let my wife read this. She's a Walker, Texas Ranger nut..

I'll let y'all know if she dies laughing or punches the monitor.:D

So am I. :thumb:
Chuck Norris is one of the few Hollywood actors that I respect...

[TeenageRepublican]

http://img357.imageshack.us/img357/8372/jackbauerlb2.jpg

You can't roundhouse kick a bullet.


Just sayin'. :smirky:


-Elgalad

http://img241.imageshack.us/img241/7360/jackmakeschuckcrysg9.jpg

Wanna bet? :evilgrin:

[Neil Peart]

http://img357.imageshack.us/img357/8372/jackbauerlb2.jpg

You can't roundhouse kick a bullet.I'm sure I can't, but Chuck Norris can. :evilgrin:

[Eagle1]

So am I. :thumb:
Chuck Norris is one of the few Hollywood actors that I respect...

a true success story
a great man who is doing great things with his blessings

[TeenageRepublican]

And he's not a liberal. A big bonus.

[Timberwolf]

Great thread!! :thumb: :thumb: