A Message from John Cleese to America

[Lazarus]

I got this in an email from my friend in Iraq... :biggrin:


A Message from John Cleese - British comedian:

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective
immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas,
which she does not fancy).


Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded.


A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any
of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will
be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour',
'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be
replaced by the suffix '-ise'.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). And while you're at it, take a moment
to
discover the difference between "lose" and "loose" - you may lose your
wallet, in which you had loose change.


3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be
adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

----------------------

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if
you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.

--------------------

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

-------------------

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

-------------------

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also
acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on
earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of
British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will
be referred to as Near-Frozen Cat's Urine, so that all can be sold
without risk of further confusion.

---------------------

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

---------------------

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind
of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities
to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
pansies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash
you, like they regularly thrash us.

---------------------

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will
learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to
take the sting out of their deliveries.

--------------------
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

-----------------

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).

---------------

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with
sauceMaybe Maggie can tell us what "sauce" is since she spent some time in England...:D

I think Her Majesty should put this plan into effect immediately... It would give us the needed excuse to get rid of all the bums in Washington, cause all REAL Americans to rise up in arms (real arms) and pull together, and while the 2nd war for independance rages, we can use the excuse to purge all those limp-wristed pansies who have been electing Leftists to the government...

If needed, we can always make arrangements for the South to successfully secede as our Plan B in case those Yankee states don't pull their weight...

If nothing else, we're sure to have a good time at being rebellious... :evilgrin:

[Maggie_T]

That was meant to be "saucer," but someone misplaced the 'r' somewhere.


Honey, what I CAN tell you is that this "message" is old news. Mr. Cleese sent it to us right after the second Bush victory. It seems that, like his fellow Brits, he was very much put off by us, stUpid Americans, voting for Bush a second time. Some "adaptations" to the new circumstances were made in the new message, of course. But it's old news, hon.

Isn't it mortifying to watch the once-great pretend they are still relevant, and take the hight tone with those who took up where they left off?

[PaulRevere]

If we can go back to His Majesty's five pecent stamp tax, I'm game.

Also, would this mean that we'd have to take back all those Tory traitors that we sent packing to Canada?

[DeclinetoState]

Just remember that, if all of this really happened, one day our Queen (or however she gets "styled") would be Camilla.

[Lazarus]

...Isn't it mortifying to watch the once-great pretend they are still relevant, and take the hight tone with those who took up where they left off?The wicked side of me sees it as an opportunity for maliscious fun... :evilgrin:

[Wolfcounsel]

I agree with number 10 only. The rest, he can stuff it.

[RogerFGay]

:rotflmbo:

[Maggie_T]

The wicked side of me sees it as an opportunity for maliscious fun... :evilgrin:

You are baaaad. :rotflmbo:

[DoctorDoom]

Claim: Monty Python member John Cleese penned a satirical piece announcing the revocation of America's independence.

Status: False.

[snip]

Origins: Just as most any anonymous piece of cynically humorous satire about American politics and culture ends up eventually being attributed to comedian George Carlin, so the same kind of material gets credited to English comic John Cleese when it evinces a British viewpoint on American affairs. Unlike his fellow Monty Python trouper Terry Jones, however, Mr. Cleese doesn't generally pen this sort of political levity.

The genesis of this article is a long and convoluted one. It evidently originated with one Alan Baxter of Rochester, U.K., who wrote and posted a much shorter, four-item version to an internal newsgroup hosted by his employer in November 2000, as a wry commentary on the recently concluded (but far from decided) U.S. presidential election: ...Revocation of Independence (http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp)

It is nonetheless properly Pythoneque. And now for something completely different.

http://research.microsoft.com/Users/kenh/images/larch-sky.jpg

The Larch

[Lazarus]

Hehehehehe... :thumb:

[garlicguy]

Puts me in mind of growin' up in Yorkshire.

[BarkleUSA]

RE:
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

.well, he does have a few good ideas that I would agree with. Think how much freer and more prosperous our country would be without regulation.

Government is not the solution - it is the problem.

As long as we have liberals in America there will continue to be widespread poverty, despair and ignorance.

[DeclinetoState]

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. :confused:

I thought the Senate was a part of Congress.

[Beowulf]

Hey Mr. Cleese, you seem to have forgotten one thing when you talk about "giving us our freedom." Remember Yorktown, Virginia, where Lord Cornwallis surrendered to George Washington? We WON our freedom and sent you boys whimpering all the way back to England.

GIVING of freedom is what we did for France......twice. You know, when we kicked the Germans out and returned their country to the French? WE can say that we'll give a country back, you can't.

[Hotspur]

Hey Mr. Cleese, you seem to have forgotten one thing when you talk about "giving us our freedom." Remember Yorktown, Virginia, where Lord Cornwallis surrendered to George Washington? We WON our freedom and sent you boys whimpering all the way back to England.

GIVING of freedom is what we did for France......twice. You know, when we kicked the Germans out and returned their country to the French? WE can say that we'll give a country back, you can't.

As Doc Doom has already pointed out, John Cleese didn't send this letter. It's been circulating on the web for a long time in different forms.

http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp

And as for your second paragraph, please let me know the dates of the USA's two liberations of France from the Germans. I'm curious to learn when they were.

[Lazarus]

:confused:

I thought the Senate was a part of Congress.Sometimes the House of Reps is referred to as Congress - Thus their titles are Congressmen... I think that's what was meant by the statement...

[Riverboat]

I've known for some time this isn't attributable to Cleese. But I never get tired of reading it. This and others like it are the electronic village's version of Mother Goose.

[Wolfcounsel]

"And as for your second paragraph, please let me know the dates of the USA's two liberations of France from the Germans. I'm curious to learn when they were." --Hotspur

You mean the United States Military did not kick the crap out of the enemy twice in the two world wars? Or you just want dates? I'll bet you believe the Russians all by themselves kicked the crap out of Germany.<!-- / message --><!-- sig -->

[Maggie_T]

Hotspur, a word of advice, dear. If you don't like it here, I suggest you go elsewhere.

We don't mean to offend you personally, but you MUST be aware that your erstwhile great country has gone to the dogs, courtesy of socialism and political correctness. I you don't admit that, you must have your head buried so deeply in the sand, I wonder you can still breathe at all.

I grew up in England (London, to be precise) and I love that country as my own. Or used to, at any rate. But now, I wouldn't live there to please a dying grandmother. It pains me to see what bloody socialists have done to it. I watched several interviews of Melanie Philips (sp?), including one on an American radio, and what she had to say depressed me so much, I could never bring myself to read the book.

We understand that there must be good patriotic people in England who are worried about the future of their country. But all we usually get here are lame cretins who try to convince us that socialism is great, and sneer at us because we are not socialists. This is a conservative website. WE DON'T LIKE LEFTIES. No, really. We don't.

And we are particularly annoyed at lefties who have surrendered everything that was good about their country and nationality to socialism, political correctness, and multiculturalism, and yet come here and inflate their chest, and wag their arrogant finger at us, and try to talk down to us. Trust me. We don't take kindly to that sort of rot.

So, if you are one of the few decent Englishmen left, who are still proud of their country, and just come here to exchange opinions civilly, welcome.

But if you are one of those arrogant (and ignorant) The Guardian-reading, brainwashed European socialists, who come here and try to "preach and teach" to us, if you come here exhibiting the old and tiresome European superiority complex, or the equally old and tiresome European prejudice that all Americans are "uneducated, stupid oafs," let me warn you right now, that you are going to be dealt with accordingly.

Just a bit of advice, given in a civil fashion. So I hope that if you reply, you will do it with equal civillity.

[Not_A_Libscum]

Hot Spur ...

Since our forefathers kicked your worthless asses out of our country, it would seem erstwhile to repeat the excercise and therefore tell your Queen to pound sand and kiss my arse!

[PrezLeefun]

Hilarious. I love it. His humor is filled with so much colour.

[Maggie_T]

Hot Spur ...

Since our forefathers kicked your worthless asses out of our country, it would seem erstwhile to repeat the excercise and therefore tell your Queen to pound sand and kiss my arse!


Now, really, honey. You just undid all my diplomatic effort. :smirky:

[Peachdiane]

Cleese.... doesn't ring a bell, sorry :(

[PrezLeefun]

click here for a pic

http://www.johncleesetraining.com/images/john_cleese3.jpg

[Valerie]

We saw Spamalot in Vegas earlier this year; Cleese makes a brief but memorable appearance as God. Pre-recorded, of course. It's a live show.

I think his best performance was in A Fish Called Wanda. Then again, I grew up on Monty Python's Flying Circus.

[Neil Peart]

Cleese.... doesn't ring a bell, sorry :(<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/piWCBOsJr-w&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/piWCBOsJr-w&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

How about now?

[HomeschoolrsRUs]

No thread on Cleese would be complete without this:

<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/k_nMzjFxsY0&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/k_nMzjFxsY0&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

In addition, as for me, "A Fish Called Wanda" wasn't worth the cost of the paper the tickets were printed on -- it was horrible, imho. Monty Python was comic genius.

[bigred1says]

Where does the line form to have our teeth twisted out of shape?

[Beowulf]

And as for your second paragraph, please let me know the dates of the USA's two liberations of France from the Germans. I'm curious to learn when they were.

In WW2 the Liberation of France began on June 6, 1944, with the D-Day invasion. The Liberation was complete on August 25th of the same year with the Liberation of Paris.
http://www.bartleby.com/67/2619.html

France was first Liberated on November 11, 1918, when Germany agreed to the Armistice and evacuated all territories it had taken during the war. Had the U.S. not entered the war, it would have ended very differently as the Germans outnumbered France and England combined.
http://www.geocities.com/Pentagon/Bunker/3017/index.html

[Maggie_T]

Personally, I think Cleese was at his best in Fawlty Towers, as the owner of a second-rate hotel, with his bitchy wife, Sybill, the Spanish waiter, "Manuel, from Barcelona." That was hysterical.

[Rhino]

In addition, as for me, "A Fish Called Wanda" wasn't worth the cost of the paper the tickets were printed on -- it was horrible, imho.I liked it, mainly due to Kevin Kline. He was hilarious in that movie, and that's supposedly where he got his big start to fame.

[Hotspur]

Hotspur, a word of advice, dear. If you don't like it here, I suggest you go elsewhere.

We don't mean to offend you personally, but you MUST be aware that your erstwhile great country has gone to the dogs, courtesy of socialism and political correctness. I you don't admit that, you must have your head buried so deeply in the sand, I wonder you can still breathe at all.

I grew up in England (London, to be precise) and I love that country as my own. Or used to, at any rate. But now, I wouldn't live there to please a dying grandmother. It pains me to see what bloody socialists have done to it. I watched several interviews of Melanie Philips (sp?), including one on an American radio, and what she had to say depressed me so much, I could never bring myself to read the book.

We understand that there must be good patriotic people in England who are worried about the future of their country. But all we usually get here are lame cretins who try to convince us that socialism is great, and sneer at us because we are not socialists. This is a conservative website. WE DON'T LIKE LEFTIES. No, really. We don't.

And we are particularly annoyed at lefties who have surrendered everything that was good about their country and nationality to socialism, political correctness, and multiculturalism, and yet come here and inflate their chest, and wag their arrogant finger at us, and try to talk down to us. Trust me. We don't take kindly to that sort of rot.

So, if you are one of the few decent Englishmen left, who are still proud of their country, and just come here to exchange opinions civilly, welcome.

But if you are one of those arrogant (and ignorant) The Guardian-reading, brainwashed European socialists, who come here and try to "preach and teach" to us, if you come here exhibiting the old and tiresome European superiority complex, or the equally old and tiresome European prejudice that all Americans are "uneducated, stupid oafs," let me warn you right now, that you are going to be dealt with accordingly.

Just a bit of advice, given in a civil fashion. So I hope that if you reply, you will do it with equal civillity.

Maggie_T, I appreciate your civility, and it's something I try to offer in equal measure. Certainly I've tried to do so since I've been a member of this board. I do however think you misunderstand my reasons for being here.

Firstly, I am certainly not here for "trolling". I would no more stoop to such behaviour than I would give house room to others who do. Neither am I here to "wag the finger" and try to tell you how you should be conducting your affairs. I joined this forum in the knowledge that I wasn't likely to agree with everything said by everyone - even in an ideal world such a thing would never happen. For example, I personally have no desire to see creationism taught in schools, and I don't object to single-sex civil partnerships (two views which, from what I've seen, are against the general consensus of opinion held here).

I am however a paid-up member of the Conservative party, and have been for more than two decades. I'm a conservative, I have no time for the wretched PC-obsessed, Muslim-appeasing government we have at the moment. I didn't vote for them and I can't wait to see them replaced. But as just one voter, all I can do is campaign for the Conservative party, cast my vote, and wait. Such is the nature of democracy.

Above everything else however, I'm a patriot. I love my country, I'm proud of its achievements, the character of its people, and what we stand for on the world stage. Yes, the Empire is gone, and we don't rule a quarter of the globe the way we used to, but I still believe that the United Kingdom is the greatest nation in the world.

You'll notice that I've been a member for over a year, and only made 50 posts in that time. I don't comment on most threads, particularly where they only relate to the USA. I wouldn't presume to tell you your business any more than I appreciate you telling us ours. But I cannot - and will not - tolerate mindless Brit-bashing. Courteously expressed opinion about how the UK should address its problems is always worth reading, and usually coincides with my opinions anyway. But comments along the lines of a rolling-eyed "oh dear, look how far the Brits have sunk this time, snigger snigger" merely provoke me to respond in kind, benefiting no-one.

I've visited the USA on a number of occasions, and can genuinely say I love the place. I like the simple, refreshing honesty Americans possess, your open friendliness and genuine interest in us, and the way you're not reserved about expressing your opinions the way we tend to be. I love so many things you have contributed to the world - the NFL, classic westerns, Frank Zappa, Harley Davidson motorcycles, the presidencies of Roosevelt and Reagan, and the work of so many great writers and thinkers. One of my dearest wishes as a military historian is to fly over there and tour as many Civil War battlefields as I can. I certainly have no patience with the sort of anti-American prejudice and stereotypes to which you refer. Yes, we lost the war of independence, and then again in 1812, but at the risk of sounding patronising, most Brits regard you as being akin to a son who was finally ready to fly the nest. Sometimes a big, lunk-headed and ungainly son who doesn't always think before acting, but a son nonetheless. :biggrin: Certainly we trust you more than we do most of our European neighbours, and I expect we always will. The supposedly Cleese-penned document that started this thread is poking (affectionate) fun at ourselves as much as it is you - something we Brits do very well.

Anyway, I've rambled on for far too long. Lastly though, thank you for making me aware of the existence of the Melanie Phillips book. It had somehow crept under my radar before now, but having glanced at a few reviews, I'll definitely be picking up a copy at some point. I've no doubt that her writing will coincide with my own views on what the curses of Euro-socialism and multiculturalism have done to my country.

All the very best to you.

[Hotspur]

In WW2 the Liberation of France began on June 6, 1944, with the D-Day invasion. The Liberation was complete on August 25th of the same year with the Liberation of Paris.

France was first Liberated on November 11, 1918, when Germany agreed to the Armistice and evacuated all territories it had taken during the war. Had the U.S. not entered the war, it would have ended very differently as the Germans outnumbered France and England combined.


The liberation of France in 1944 was a joint venture between Britain and America, and also included significant numbers of Free French and Polish, Canadian and ANZAC troops. To claim that the US liberated France is highly misleading, as the US could no more have done that without its allies than Britain could.

After their belated entry into the First World War, US troops took part in one major campaign, the German Spring Offensive of 1918. By the time this happened, it was apparent after four years of stalemate that neither side could conquer the other. While not belittling the effect of US involvement, Germany withdrew from France in 1918 after the Allied gains of the Hundred Days Campaign, Amiens, and the second Battle of the Somme (all three were undertaken with only minimal US involvement).

In both cases, the Allies liberated France, not the US. In the case of the First World War, France had not even been conquered, and fought on as a major player in the Allied order of battle.

[Hotspur]

Personally, I think Cleese was at his best in Fawlty Towers, as the owner of a second-rate hotel, with his bitchy wife, Sybill, the Spanish waiter, "Manuel, from Barcelona." That was hysterical.

Couldn't agree more! Classic comedy - one of the best sitcoms ever.

Basil and Manuel in action...

<object height="344" width="425">

<embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Vsm3FObZ1sI&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" height="344" width="425"></object>

[RogerFGay]

Has anyone actually confirmed that the letter was written by John Cleese?

[Hotspur]

Has anyone actually confirmed that the letter was written by John Cleese?

http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp

[RogerFGay]

Thanks Hotspur: I was thinking about writing a response (but probably wouldn't because I can always think of better things to do); and figered there was more than a 50-50 chance the thing already had a long history w/ response(s) - and maybe only as much as 50-50 that Cleese wrote it. Somewhere in the back of my mind, possibly a product of my own imagination, I seemed to recollect Cleese being asked about his authorship.

"Did you find it funny," he asked?

"Yes," was the reply.

"Of some value in the area of humour (sic) and entertainment?"

"Yes. I thought it quite entertaining," came the response.

"Well then, I wrote it," he said, and proceded to demand royalty payments for its publication.

[Lazarus]

Maybe the mods should move the thread to the Comedy Forum - Me thinks some here doth take this shit too seriously... It was meant to add a little levity to an otherwise depressing election season... I see my efforts were a bit too subtle... Next time I'll add a flashing neon sign above garishly announcing "Comedy Satire to be Found Here!"....:smirky:

[Hotspur]

"Well then, I wrote it," he said, and proceded to demand royalty payments for its publication.

That sounds a lot like the kind of response Cleese would make! Perhaps the document found itself attributed to him because he's probably the British comic most widely known to the US audience. I gather that the Pythons generally are very popular over there.

[PrezLeefun]

No thread on Cleese would be complete without this:

<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/k_nMzjFxsY0&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/k_nMzjFxsY0&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

In addition, as for me, "A Fish Called Wanda" wasn't worth the cost of the paper the tickets were printed on -- it was horrible, imho. Monty Python was comic genius.


I just got the strongest urge to walk like a peacock..... :rotflmbo:

[RogerFGay]

Speaking of:

John Cleese's Basil Fawlty-style rant at his ex wife and mother - 'I thought I'd never get rid of her' (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1038424/John-Cleeses-Basil-Fawlty-style-rant-ex-wife-mother--I-thought-Id-rid-her.html)

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2008/07/24/article-0-02102F2E00000578-314_233x423.jpg