Heaviest Element Known to Science: Governmentium

[Scott Conklin]

Heaviest Element Known to Science: Governmentium


Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.


This is all over the net so I'm not bothering with a link. You can move it to humor if you want but it just deserved a temporary slot here, so thought I.

[Timberwolf]

To expand on your thoughts, 2A...

AFFILIATED PRESS NEWS SERVICE - The fire in August, 2000 at the OMB (Office of Management and Budget) had one significant consequence. A document of significant importance was recently leaked to the public.

A high-level anonymous source stated, "It reveals nothing we didn't already suspect. But it does show the government has known all along that, besides Administratium (Ad), one more extremely deadly and pervasive element also exists." This startling new discovery-the heaviest element now known to science - has been tentatively named GOVERNMENTIUM (Gv).

Researchers speculate that Governmentium came into existence during Franklin D. Roosevelt’s administration and was immediately classified "Top Secret" by Executive Order. Sources confirmed "its existence accounts for the explosive growth of bureaucracy over the last half-century."

This astonishing element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 15 assistant neutrons, 35 deputy neutrons, 80 vice neutrons, 145 supervisory neutrons, 165 team leader neutrons and 225 consulting neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 666.

These 666 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called "Morons", themselves surrounded by vast and undeterminable quantities of lepton-like particles called "Peons". Since it has no electrons, Governmentium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

According to the Top Secret document, a miniscule amount of Governmentium slows a reaction, which normally would take less than a second, so much it takes over four months to complete.

Unlike all other known elements, Governmentium does not decay if measured according to its half-life. It instead undergoes continuous reorganization every 4-8 years in which assistant neutrons, deputy neutrons and vice neutrons exchange places, causing a sample mass of Governmentium to actually increase over time. This is because, during each reorganization, some of the Peons inevitably become Morons and finally, neutrons, thereby forming entirely new isodopes.

This characteristic of "Peon to Moron cycle" leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever Morons anywhere reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass."

Governmentium has been found in high concentrations in certain key locations such as government offices, large corporate headquarters, universities, tax-exempt foundations, and especially in newspaper, radio and TV newsrooms. It can usually be found polluting the best appointed and best maintained buildings and has been identified as a white, powdery substance, easily confused with similar substances often found in the same locations.

Scientists warn that Governmentium is known to be toxic even at low levels of exposure. An unusual pattern of radiation is emitted which is not fully understood, causing those exposed to suffer a certain form of dementia and/or other neurological disorders.

Reportedly, the EPA has known of the danger for years, but refuses to release any findings despite numerous FOIA requests. The EPA, FEMA, FDA, FBI, CIA, NSA and other agencies, including the Department of Homeland Security, will make no comment, citing "national security concerns."

Conservativium (Cv – atomic weight 270) is the only element known to mankind that possesses the properties necessary for negating the effects of Governmentium and Administratium. It has the unique ability to disrupt the very strong Peon-Moron bonds thus neutralizing the toxicity of both elements. It shares many physical properties with Patriotium (Pi) and its effects are greatly multiplied when the two are used in conjunction with each other.

Scientists have not been able to create Conservativium in the laboratory but it is found in plentiful concentrations in nature. It is relatively stable and becomes more so in the presence of Electorium (Ec - atomic weight 538). It is an excellent prescription to counteract Dodgylogicum (Dum - an isodope of Loonyliberalium - Loo...for which there is no known antidote). Conservativium is thought to have an extremely long half-life. Hypothetically it is eternal, as neither decay nor degradation has been observed in samples obtained thus far.