What exactly is a fart? [Archive]

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EveningStar

03-07-2009, 04:31 PM

Cecil Adams
The Straight Dope
June 18, 1982

Dear Cecil:

With all your scatological insight, what exactly is a fart? Is it, as some surmise, a burp gone wrong? Is it a relative of the hiccup? The sneeze? And is it not healthier to vent oneself than to squelch?

— Phillip S., Chicago
More (http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/68/what-exactly-is-a-fart)

stegjohn

03-07-2009, 04:52 PM

EveningStar

03-07-2009, 04:55 PM

http://i39.tinypic.com/14munaq.jpg

stegjohn

03-07-2009, 05:04 PM

buckeyepete

03-07-2009, 05:16 PM

The true meaning, or reason, followed closely behind the invention of the "elevator".

DeclinetoState

03-07-2009, 06:49 PM

The first paragraph of the answer:

Dear Phillip:

Your question comes at an opportune moment--I've just been reading up on the subject in the Harvard Medical School Health Letter. Harvard is a veritable gold mine when it comes to flatulence.

Elgalad

03-07-2009, 07:04 PM

anarchy2day

03-07-2009, 08:07 PM

The true meaning, or reason, followed closely behind the invention of the "elevator".
Which was quickly followed by the development of the grocery store aisle. :rotflmbo:

BuckeyeMike

03-07-2009, 08:25 PM

fart....a politician in training
shit....a fart that graduated!

Gonzo67

03-07-2009, 08:44 PM

What exactly is a fart?

Easy... It's a Liberal "thinking" out loud.

DoctorDoom

03-08-2009, 12:23 PM

If AlBore farts, his disciples consider it the breath of God.

The_Elucidator

03-09-2009, 10:37 AM

Don't forget the Farting Idol!!!

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The_Elucidator

03-09-2009, 10:44 AM

Tazeeyore

03-09-2009, 12:40 PM

A Fart is what comes out everytime a liberal exhales.

oldcoastie

03-09-2009, 01:55 PM

I'm just trying to help..........

FART DICTIONARYffice<O:p</O:p

PART 1

<O:p</O:p

PREFACE<O:p</O:p

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For purposes of identification, farts described herein are separated into two classifications:<O:p</O:p
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Group 1 – General, run-of-the-mill, every-day farts.<O:p</O:p
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Group 2 – Truly exceptional, natural, and unpracticed stand-alone farts that could, if such a document existed, be entered into the charts as World Class, Gold Medal Farts.<O:p</O:p
</O:p
NOTE: For both groups, sub-classifications, such as Group 1a, are permitted.<O:p</O:p
<O:p</O:p

DEFINITIONS<O:p</O:p

<O:p</O:p
THE ALARM FART.<O:p</O:p
<O:p</O:p
This is a good fart for the beginner. It is easy to identify. It starts with a loud unnaturally high note, wavers like a siren, and ends with a quick downward note that stops before you expect it to. It sounds like something is wrong. When it occurs you will know immediately why it is called the Alarm Fart. You will be alarmed. The alarm fart, however, is rare. Group 1.
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THE AMPLIFIED FART.
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This is any fart that gets its power more from being amplified than from the fart itself. A metal porch swing will amplify a fart every time. So will a plywood table, an empty 55-gallon drum, a tin roof, or some empty cardboard boxes if they are strong enough. These are common farts under the right conditions. Group 1.<O:p</O:p
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THE BIGGEST FART IN THE WORLD FART. <O:p</O:p
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Like the great bald eagle, this fart is pretty well described just by its name. This can either be a Group 1 or a Group 2 fart and can occur just about anywhere. I heard it one time, a Group 2 classification, in a crowded high school auditorium one night, right in that silence that happens when a room full of people has stopped singing the Star Spangled Banner and has just sat down.<O:p</O:p
<O:p</O:p
It came from the back. There was not a soul in that room that missed it. A fart like that can be impressive. The most diagnostic characteristic of the Biggest Fart In The World is it size. Fart freaks who go around showing off, farting like popcorn machines and making faces before they fart or asking you to pull their finger and then they fart, never have what it takes for this one, which is rare even among your most serious farters. Group 2.
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THE BURNING BRAKES FART.<O:p</O:p
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A silent fart identified by odor alone. Usually an adult fart, occurring while the adult is driving a car or has a front seat passenger who farts. The Burning Brakes Fart actually does smell a little like burning brakes and seems to hang around longer than most farts, which gives the farter a chance to make a big show of checking to see if the emergency brake has been left on. When he finds it hasn't you know who farted. A common automobile fart. Group 1a.<O:p></O:p>
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THE BATHTUB FART.<O:p</O:p
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People who would never in their life know one fart from another, who would like to act like farts don't exist, will have to admit that a Bathtub Fart is something special. It is the only fart you can see! What you see is (are) the bubble(s). The Bathtub Fart can be either single or multiple-noted and fair or foul as to odor. It makes no difference. The farter's location is what does it. Maybe there is a kind of muffled pong and one big bubble. Or there may be a ping ping ping and a bunch of bubbles. The sound, I should point out, depends somewhat on the depth of the water and even more so on the tub style. If it is one of those big old heavy tubs with the funny legs, you can get terrific sound effects, while one of the new thin ones half-buried in the floor can be disappointing. But either way, as long as the water is deep enough, or whatever the sound, up come(s) the bubble(s). You must be quick, but glance back over your shoulder and you will see it, the Bathtub Fart, the most positively identifiable fart known to man. It is a common fart and strictly Group 1 unless you are a kid still young enough to take baths with your friends.<O:p</O:p
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THE CAR DOOR FART.<O:p</O:p
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Either a Group 1 or a Group 2 fart. Very tricky. It is intended that it be a concealed fart. A matter of close timing is involved, with the farter trying to fart at the exact moment he or she slams the car door shut. It is usually a good loud fart. It is one of the funnier farts when it doesn't work, which is almost every time. It is a desperation fart and not too common.<O:p></O:p>
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THE CELESTIAL FART.<O:p</O:p
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Not to be confused with the Did An Angel Speak Fart, which is simply any loud fart in church. The Celestial Fart is soft and delicate, surprising in a boy or an adult. It is probably the most shy of all farts and might be compared with the wood thrush, a very shy bird. It does not have the sly or cunning sound of the Whisper Fart. It is just a very small clear fart with no odor at all. Very rare. Group 2.<O:p</O:p
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THE CHINESE FIRECRACKER FART.<O:p</O:p
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This is an exceptional multiple noted fart identified by the number and variety of its noises, mostly pops and bangs. Often when you think it is all over it still has a few pops and bangs to go. In friendly company this one can get applause. Rare. Group 2.
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THE CROWD FART.<O:p</O:p
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The Crowd Fart is distinguished by its very potent odor, which is strong enough to make many people look around. The trick here is not to identify the fart but the farter. This is almost impossible unless the farter panics and starts a fit of coughing or starts staring at the ceiling or the sky as though something up there fascinates him. In which case he is the one. Very common. Group 1.<O:p</O:p
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THE DID AN ANGEL SPEAK FART.<O:p</O:p
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This is any loud fart in church. My father first called this fart to my attention. He probably read about it somewhere. For fart watchers who go to church, this is a good one to watch for as this is the only place it can be found. Group 1a.<O:p</O:p
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THE S.B.D. (SILENT-BUT-DEADLY) FART.<O:p</O:p
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This quiet and often moist fart can have such an offensive stench that most people, including the farter, will rapidly flee any enclosed area affected by the fart. It often used by prankster farters in cars, whereupon the farter will yell to everyone in the car, “Oh Geez! Hurry, roll up your windows!” The farter will then let the S.B.D. Fart sneak out while his buddies are trying to figure out what caused the so-called panic. After they are revived in fresh air, almost all fart aficionados will applaud this fart even as the affected area is being ventilated. Group 2.<O:p</O:p
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THE RAZOR FART.<O:p</O:p
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A protracted, gassy, and odoriferous fart, emitted by those people who have eaten hot peppers and/or spicy food. This fart generally cannot be controlled as to time or location, and may cause the farter to grimace and/or dance around the room. Very common. Group 1.<O:p></O:p>
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THE BEER FART.<O:p</O:p
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Even experienced beer drinkers may be emit by this loud and voluminous fart when they change brands of beer. It is deadly when combined with the RAZOR FART (see above). Although classified as a Group 1 fart, it may at times be a sub-classification of the higher-rated S.B.D. FART (see above.) Very common.<O:p</O:p
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THE WHISPER FART.<O:p</O:p
<O:p</O:p
If planned well, this fart can be of tremendous benefit to the farter in such places as ticket lines and lines at checkout counters. It is barely audible, yet people in close proximity to the farter know who was responsible and are immediately offended, even if there is little or no odor associated with the fart. One observer documented a ten-space advancement for an experienced and professional supermarket checkout line Whisper Farter. Group 2.

<O:p:evilgrin:</O:p

DeclinetoState

03-10-2009, 11:09 PM

Le Pétomane (pronounced /ləˈpɛtəmeɪn/, French IPA: [ləpetɔˈman]) was the stage name of the French professional farter and entertainer Joseph Pujol (June 1, 1857 - 1945).
He was famous for his remarkable control of the abdominal muscles, which enabled him to fart at will. His stage name combines the French verb péter, "to fart" with the -mane, "maniac" suffix, found in words like mélomane (music lover). In English, a translation might yield "the fart maniac". His profession can also be referred to as a "Flatulist," "Farteur," or "Fartiste."<sup>[1] (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Le_P%C3%A9tomane#cite_note-retro-0)</sup>
Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Le_Pétomane)

See also: Did a French vaudeville star once specialize in trained flatulence? (http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/363/did-a-french-vaudeville-star-once-specialize-in-trained-flatulence)

July 6, 1984<br>
Dear Cecil:

From time to time I have heard about a legendary performer on the French vaudeville stage at the turn of the century named Le Petomane. It seems, incredibly enough, that this man actually made a living out of trained flatulence. Unfortunately, try as I might, I can find no more than a fleeting reference to this maestro of sulphur dioxide. Could you tell me more about him, and how he did it?

— Curious in Baltimore

Dear Curious:

I think it is poetically appropriate that Joseph Pujol, better known as Le Petomane (which we may loosely translate as "the fartiste") should emanate from France, without doubt the most pretentious nation on the face of the earth. Le Petomane performed his unique act from 1887 to 1914, and became one of his country's best-known vaudevillians. At one point he was earning 20,000 francs a week, compared to 8,000 for his contemporary Sarah Bernhardt. The true artistic priorities of the French public are thus admirably revealed.